The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like one of my husband's friends has been a terrible influence on him. Drinking and smoking pot all the time. And getting ahold of and bringing over other types of drugs that my husband never would have sought out on his own.
There is a festival coming up this weekend. Previously I had gone with everyone to these festivals but this year I decided I had had enough. I couldn't take the thought of being trapped there for four days while everyone else drank and did drugs all weekend. So I told my husband that I would not be going.
He still wanted to go, and was planning on riding up with his friends. But then his friend started talking about all of the kinds of drugs that he was getting ahold of to drive up there and sell. My husband decided to not go because he didn't want to be in the same car with them if they were carrying all of that (thank god!).
This friend spend most of last winter in jail. And for me I was so happy! I feel bad that I was so happy he was in jail. But to me it felt like things in our lives calmed down a bit while this guy was in jail.
But now I have thoughts about tipping off the police about this guy. I know when he will be carrying stuff. And it is really tempting to me to get this guy thrown back in jail. (And it would probably be for a long time this time). But I feel bad that I am having these thoughts too. Is it vindicitive? Is it right? Is it wrong? Would I be found out? Could I keep that kind of secret from my husband?
I'm not quite sure what the cops could or would do They can't just go up to someone and start searching them People have rights and they would need a search warrant to hold up in court I believe.
I often asked others if I should call the cops on my A when he was drinking and driving Many said let it go and let God handle it or your HP handle it. Why try to control other peoples lives? We are here in Alanon to not give out advice, but to just share what we have done in the past.
I am here to change the one and ONLY thing I can change and that is ME. I need to worry about ME, mind MY own business and find serenity. When I spend time worrying about others and trying to help them it does ME no good; it's a waste of time.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Melissa Wrote...When I spend time worrying about others and trying to help them it does ME no good; it's a waste of time.
I would have to put a big fat DIDO to that one...Before Recovery I would jump in and Help/Take over someone elses problems every chance I got, I have contacted the courts on my Abrother, I have takin the children out of the house from him at times, I have done many things that "I" thought would benifit and or HELP someone else... In the end, I had to deal with the emotions for what I had done, or didn't do... and tho I understand wanting this person out of your husbands life, BUT... Why not just share your Concerns with your Husband... Maybe he too is seeing that this is not the kind of company he chooses to keep now in his life either. He was smart enough to turn them down on the trip, so I hope that you's plan something wonderful to do for your holiday weekend...
If your worried about keeping a secret... DON'T Keep one, I know for me, when I am over whelmed with emotion, My Husband is the First Person I Spue it too...Weather it is something he wants to hear or not, he is my Husband and we share our lives together, and he is apart of my Everyday life... Thank God I have him not only as my Husband, but as my Friend and Companion as well...
Good for you in standing your ground and not going to the festival if you feel that is what is best for you. That would be awful to be caught up in the consequences that guilt by association often brings.
I would highly suggest taking care of yourself in this situation and what has helped me is Al-Anon meetings. I too have thought about involving the police in situations like this but realized how horribly sticky that could get... for the same reasons you listed. Personally, I can't live with secrets... that is part of my recovery process.
We have a saying here MYOB , I am sure u know what it means , what his buddies do is none of your business and would u call the police if your husb had decided to go with them??? probably not . If you read the news papers I don't think u really want to get involved in a drug dealers business .I am sure police are aware of his activities anyway he is possibly a small fish in a very large and dangerous pond . Your husb has a mind of his own * says he's not going on trip * you cannot blame the people he hangs out with for his problem , give him a hug for what ever but inside for having enough sence to not get involved in the weekend.
Wow...look at the responses and then what comes to mind for me were the questions my sponsor taught when I use to express what I thought of doing. "What is your motive?" "What do you hope to get out of it?" "Are you willing to accept consequences?" He taught me to think things thru and not just fall into a default way of thinking and acting.
Have I called the cops and emergency when they were needed....Yep I learned that my motives and expectations were proper and that the consequences would be much more positive than if I had not. I don't live in a vacuum and when I was out "there" doing my thing I had the cops called on me also. It was the communities way of saying "Stttooooppppp already!" "Uncle we've had enough". Initially I had resentments until I got honest about what I was doing, how it was affecting others and what I was getting out of it. I remember my addict wife once calling the people I drank with and pointing the finger at them. They got pissed and called me at work to get her off their backs! LOL It was only later that I put a value on it. On the other hand I never called in help for her using so no one came to intervene and we lost everything....sad. Had I the courage then that I have now it might have come out different. It's gone and today I have changed. Knowing what I know after learning what I have learned and having had the experience to help others during the process including right motives I will, when I have proper information dial 911. It is not a personal thing with me ever.
I'd say calling the cops is manipulation on your part. If you report this guy and he is gone, you will be happy and you and your husband's relationship will calm down?
That may last until he gets out of jail. Then what? The drug dealer isn't the problem in the relationship. No matter what this guy brings to the table to "influence" your husband, your husband has choices and a has a mind of his own. No one can make him use the drugs, just like no one could make you.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Fixing, directing, controlling, were all part of a pattern for me, overwhelmingly so, so much so that I always care what everyone else thought, always worried about my performances in life, took myself far too seriously, I'm sure I was more sought after because I could really fix things,but did it make people different, did I achieve what I sought, in one case I did step in and that was to take my deceased step moms dog last year, best move I ever made, love of my life, but in this case I was assertive rather than authoritative,humble, not 100% truthful made out that my boy would love another dog and liked to play with her, turned out to be true, he does, we all do, she farts though and I have no control over that, and boy are they bad
