The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My aoca h is attending al anon. I am too, different group.
His take on looking after him seems to be playing out as shutting me out. completely. He does not even talk to me, unless our kids are around. In fact, he seems to be 2 completely different people, totally dependent on the presence of the kids.
My take is look after me in terms of esteem needs, that don't include looking down on others. I may not like the behaviour of others, but not my place to judge, just to let it go. My take is that self-care is not the same as self centered.
My h seems to now think that self care means not caring about me, at all. He will be cheerful around the kids, and go out of his way to be pleasant to me (if they are there) but when they are not , he seems to block me. I do not understand.
He will not say what is on his mind. ever. He just sounds like an odd robot that can only make pleasantries, can't stand to hear statements that are not "positive", and keeps telling people to "take the high road" sometimes in reference to the oddest things. For example - If I get up and attempt to start the day by saying "Good morning, how did you sleep?" I get a response "I slept well, and you?" depending on how I slept, I may say "Fine" or " I'm still a bit tired, I wish it was Saturday and I could doze a bit more". Just conversation, right? Unfortunately, unless I am enthusiatically responding with "oh Just the Best Sleep Ever!!!!!" regardless of how I really feel, well then, I'm being Negative...
I cannot have a real conversation, positive, negative, or neutral with this man anymore. I can't say it was tense at work today, or I have a slight headache, or I'm worried about anything. I can't - I have no idea how to respond to initiate a conversation with him - no matter what I say it is always being judged, and always falls short. In front of the kids I get cheerfully delivered admonishments to "be more positive, dear". In private, I just get either stoney silence or "If you can't look for the positives in life, I can't help you"...........
I am NOT a negative person, but I'm not artificially super perky either. I just want to be able to converse. Say positive things, but also be able to honestly express myself when I'm not feeling so positive.
The only thing I can think of is that he has detached, completely, and honestly no longer cares how I am. I'm just there because it's my house too. I'm just one of the things from his old life that he is 'recovering" from.....
I'm tired of trying to stay positive. I'm tired of looking like a crazy person. I'm tired of not being able to just be me. I'm tired of the insanity...
Hi there.... sorry you're going through this, but just wondering how long he has been "sober" for? This sounds fairly common in early sobriety, where the A is hanging on for dear life, and isn't able (or unwilling) to stretch much beyond simply not taking another drink.... The ego gets into play big time as well, and early recovery is ripe with people who "finally have gotten it", and therefore treat the world around them accordingly.....
Sounds to me like you are looking to him for validation, and that's a tough thing (for you), regardless of whether he is new in recovery, or whether or not this is his regular personality.... Find YOU in all of this, and he'll either re-attach, or he won't.... but at least you will feel better about you....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You could be living with my husb - small talk is not in his vocabulary , yeah it is annoying but have come to the conclusion that it is not personal , its just the way he is . Emotional support seems impossible for him if its not about him and today thats ok too , I have many Al-Anon friends I can share my thoughts with they listen no matter how trivial . Accept who he is , let go of expectations in conversation area , u will feel less frustrated when not taking it personally. Your husb may not be the drinker but he has the isms ,character defects , adult children learned along time ago it s not safe to share how you feel in alcoholic situation ,trust is also an issue , unfortunately they bring them into adult relationships , if he keeps going he will figure it all out . keep chats with him light and share the really important stuff with al anon members they understand completley , turns out for me I didn'thave to have him listen I just needed someone to listen to me . I was told along time ago to take my problems to a sponsor or a meeting first and go home with a solution , it works and saves alot of arguments .
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 29th of June 2009 01:06:59 PM
It sounds like you're both in the early stages of recovery, which is a pretty dang confusing time.
I do that not speaking thing with my AH quite a bit, too... but it's not necessarily out of spite, disgust, or because I'm angry. I just don't know what to say to the man! I've been in this state of really not knowing how to talk to him for about a year now... especially when it comes to things I'm a bit sensitive about.
Okay... we do talk... but I don't feel like we're emotionally "connected" like we used to be. But then, when I think of all that's happened, I'm not sure things can be the way they used to be. The "old way" was me not in recovery and totally co-dependent. Not anymore... or at least not nearly as much as it used to be.
Recovery is slow... I am doing my best to show up in our relationship... treat him how I'd like to be treated.
When I was in the early stages of my recovery, I did a lot of that "I have a solution for your negative feelings!" unsolicited advice with my AH. Of course, that did not go over well... so... again... that's where I've kind of clammed up a bit. Just asking my HP to guide me with my words (when I can remember to ask my HP!), and taking it slow.
I was told along time ago to take my problems to a sponsor or a meeting first and go home with a solution , it works and saves alot of arguments .
###Ditto and also the 12 steps and literature...say the slogans....in o/words....TAKE CARE of ME by letting go of his stuff and focusing on ME......
I am an acoa...i have "ism" personality traits....i was VERY dificult to live with re: my close family and friends until i got into the program enough to "level out"......i have to work on me ea. day b/c if i don't i can lose my "emotional sobriety" in a heart beat.....i am not an alkie, but i had the tendencies b/c i was raised and injurred by them.....so i would let him work his stuff out...you work yours and keep it simple w/him....
I don't thnk his behavior sounds like detachment rather a shutting down. I think that is pretty coommon. It is terribly hard not to take their behavior personally I know I did. I had to get to a sense of perspective about it and that took me a long long time. Keep at it. Take care of yourself.
