The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can see it when it's happening. I know it's futile to argue, but there are times when it seems I just can't help it. And it's over the dumbest stuff. Usually because the topic of conversation shifts and my AH doesn't bother to tell me, then starts talking down to me when I express confusion and attempt to replay the conversation with him. This gives him an opening to then turn the tables on me and tell me how I'm being competitive and argumentative. And unless I walk away, it deteriorates further. Most of the time, I can walk away from the discussion, either physically or mentally. Sometimes it takes me a little longer and extra pain and frustration before I can detach myself.
Well, in a way, I guess he's right - as it does take 2 to argue. I'm just wondering why I feel compelled at times to show him that I'm right about *something*, no matter how trivial, on occasion. I'm also wondering what lesson it is I'm supposed to be learning by being in tears for the better part of the weekend.
Maybe it's a reminder to take care of myself better by keeping the focus on my program. I guess it's definitely a reminder of how futile it is to expect rational behavior from someone who is thoroughly soaked in his disease. Or, maybe it's to justify to myself that I'm right to be taking some sort of action. Perhaps by experiencing the hurt and frustration in between periods of gratitude and joy, I'm being shown that it really is time to do something and that I'm on the right track.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Being right, being "smart or witty" were issues I had from seeking validation from others. You can ask yourself, "how important is it" when u have a heated topic up for discussion. I found too that a lot of my arguementativeness was coming from ego - my ego was invested or hurt somehow. Once I could see that's what it was, it lost a lot of power in me & I could put my ego over there & detach from what I was being bothered about... b/c it didnt mean anything, just a power struggle. It sort of sounds like ur going through the 3A's - awareness, acceptance & action. Now ur to action & making decisions - good for you. The reminder of us to keep focused on us & work our programs diligently is excellent. Keep up the good work!
"I guess it's definitely a reminder of how futile it is to expect rational behavior from someone who is thoroughly soaked in his disease. " -blender girl
No truer words were ever spoken!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think for me it's a reminder that it's okay for me to say what I need to say FOR ME, responses being irrelevant. It usually takes me a good long time to work out what that is, but at least I'm focusing on me and my own feelings while I'm doing it. Then if I DO get a negative reaction when I say it (which may be on another occasion days later), I can - and actually have on occasion - say "that's okay, I've said what I needed to say".
And then call my sponsor, so I can talk to someone who HEARS me.
I think sometimes we just get frustrated, sometimes we just get sick and tired no matter how much we try not to. After all, we are only human and even with working our program we have enough.
I can remember blowing up at my husband and thinking how stupid....however, it happens.
God will grant you the serenity, take it easy on you.
Serentiy Prayer my fav attitude changer . I added a few words to myself in that prayer I don't say them out loud in group only to myself . they might help God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , * them * or HIM * The courage to change the things I can *ME * and the wisdom to know the difference . and don't worry about being right , you know when your right and arguing is a waste of time and ruins a good day , HOW IMPORTANT IS IT worls for me when I am tempted to play old mind games . Practicing alcoholics don't play fair anyway. hehe I heard some one say Would u rather be right > or loved ? not much of a choice is it . Louise
I definitely think I have perfectionism. I used to need to be right around the ex A because he minimized everything. I worked at getting him to know I was hurt. He did not listen. Only when I changed my behavior did he listen.
Wow, it's SO DEPRESSING reading this--very sad! However, there's a reason I came here because perhaps I've been in denial, and I don't want to "be one of those persons" that has issues like "living with an alcoholic!"
Hi Maresie, "How" do you mean when you say "only when YOU changed YOUR behavior?" How so (did you change your behavior?) It does no good "nagging" or arguing... ?
So, if your husband IS an alcoholic, and you instill the "Serenity Prayer" in your everyday life...., do you just learn to "accept" the way things are, even if your spouse is in denial. Do you just go on througout your everyday life staying married and accept the alcoholic husband--as he is???
Well... it is part of it ~ acceptance goes a long way. But you have to learn to stop focusing on anyone but you. Your job, at least to get to be a healthy person... is to only focus on you & mind your business with you. When you work to change you & deal with your feelings, emotional reactions & issues in general - you will begion to learn to soothe yourself. As an ACoA, being taught by my mom to soothe myself was non existant. I had to learn it on my own & I got it in al-anon.
When we 'get off their backs' as it were - we give them the dignity to deal with their own issues as adults & we respectfually deal with our own. When I did that, I got so free, so relieved b/c I could focus all that energy that I had been using to influence, manipulate & attempt to control others. It really is a huge waste of energy - controlling others rarely works at best & the other person develops deep resentments against you. When I put that attention on me it was actually being put to good use - I put it on me & I changed fast, easily. I got to direct my changes & I truly could appreciate my own hard work. I practised self love & detachment from other's issues/lives and I fully lived my own for the first time ever. I got happy & practised gratitude daily & found serenity.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
