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As I am learning the ways of Al Anon, and digging deeper into the program, I am coming up with more questions I have. I know that I am supposed to focus more on me and stop the focusing on my AH. I didn't realize how hard this one would be for me. I don't want to sound like I am making excuses, I am just not sure how to go about it because of several reasons that I feel are out of my control. I don't feel like I am having a hard time with not focusing on my AH, just on me. I have 3 children: all girls, 12, 6, and 8 months. I work 4 days a week from about 10 am- 4:30 pm. We are all home in the evenings together. I am just not sure how to alienate my husband and his alcohol from the rest of us. I mean, we are always home together in the evenings! I do have friends that I could hang out with, but I have no where to take my girls to if I was to go out. I have my mom, but she has developed her own health issues. Besides the fact she smokes around my kids and I hate that!!! Also, even if I did start leaving my AH at home by himself, what would that prove? my girls and I like to be at home; we'd RATHER be at home. Not to mention, my baby goes to sleep at 7:30-8:30 every night. I just don't like seeing my AH drink beer every single night of the week, uggghhh. So tired of that. So, how do I change? I feel as though I am relapsing from where I was a day ago. It's just really hard because we are always home together. Triple digit temps. outside have noone wanting to go play outside, besides that's way to hot for the baby. I feel like I am just sitting back and watching nothing change because I am not sure how to change. I would know what to do if it was just me and my AH, but it's not. In the very beginning of this I just thought he would get "it" if we were gone somewhere when he got home from work and stayed out until his bedtime, and he was left by his self with his beer. But we can't be gone all of the time, there's no way. besides, it's our home too. So, can anyone help me on this? I am tired of everything just going on like there's nothing wrong. I need some guidlines on what I can do while around my A so he'll start thinking," hmmm..... maybe the alchohol is causing some stress, and maybe it's not working for me anymore." It also does me no good to try and talk to him. I've tried getting mad, sad, and even tried the part where you say- maybe it's just me, but I feel like you may have a problem with the beer. Nothing works when it comes to talking with him.
OH hon u don't alienate , he does . u carry on as usual just don't get involved in his drama . u cook supper as usual , u bathe and play with your children as usual , take care of your needs after they are in bed . Long hot stinky bubble bath makes all feel better . hehe . Detachment means to not play the games anymore , no more fighting , no more suggestions as to what he should do with his life . separate yourself emotinally from any tirade he may have , most of them are booze talkin anyway don't mean a thing thier just designed to get u off his back , they will do and say anything to get the focus off them . Maybe he'l notice and go hmmmmmmmm . don''t count on it u do all of these things to make u feel better and to start enjoying your home , none of what al anon suggests is to change him . Remember we cannot change another person .
Focusing on yourself will take practise. When I first did it... I was 36 & had never tried it before. I dont have kids but still - it was hard for me to do - my mother was the sun & the moon to me - my everything - it was always all about her. So as I owuld go about my day & a thought would be there - like - "whe doesnt she ____ (whatever)" - I would have to stop myself in my tracks, remind myself her mental state is NOT MINE to control/change & bring my awareness & attetnion back to me. And to focus on me - whatever that means - if it means, I am actively NOT thinking about someone else & replacing ME as my focus. So u see ur AH drinking - that's what he's doing - dont be angry or disappointed, just accept that's what he's doing & leave him there with that. I know for me - if I got all mad or involved in "him drinking" & hurt b/c he's not doing something with me, it would only distract me from being able to go about my stuff & keep my mind on me. I spent the early part of focusing on me, by releasing a lot of unreolved feelings I had about other people. It was just stuff I was holding onto - about them - so I worked it out. I mean I felt my feelings, I accpeted them where they were - I let go of thinking anything I was doing was about them & I just got busy doing what I wanted & needed to. Then I was able to release those feelings & heal from it.
I truly didnt know myself that well back then & I was unsure of what my real needs were. That took some time & practise too - it was like I was in a new relationship with myself, a friendship & I had to see how & what unfolded. It was kinda boring at first too b/c the chaos was leaving me. But I persisted. Soon I was no longer "bothered" by other people - with the practising, it gets easier.
Hang in there, keep working on it. You're worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
thanks for the replies, I appreciate them. So, I guess I have started, in the evenings when we are all home together , not focusing on him. I think I have been doing that for long time now, at least 75% of the time. That seems to be where I am stuck. I don't get much drama at all out of my AH. By drama I mean yelling, starting fights, etc. My AH is passive when he drinks. I get more drama from his when he is NOT drinking. So how do I handle that? There is hardly any drama when he's drinking to walk away from. There isn't really anything to walk away from. I am tired of seeing the same thing happen night after night. That's another problem, or really the same problem. He starts drinking when he gets home and doesn't stop till he falls asleep, same ol same ol. I just feel like with me my situation is unique- I know that sounds egotistic and I don't mean it that way at all. It's just that I read alot about AH's not being able to hold down jobs, hitting their wives, yelling at their wives and kids all the time. You know what I mean. Mine is passive, and has no motivation and doesn't like change in his life.
I personally think it is irrelevant whether he is more abusive sober or using - we still need to detach from that drama. So u have less to detach from, that's a good thing, right? You need to detach from sitting & giving him awareness or attention when he's drinking, so u & ur girls can have a happy life. You will have the opportunity to deal with & detach from his junk when he's dry & less easy going.
It is not at all uncommon to feel he's easier to deal with using. Most A's are, they are getting what they want, they are using their substance. None of them like change - they want the status quo right where it is, so he can keep being enalbed. It is unnatural to want no changes, I believe & that is a part of the disease.
Focus on you & get on with your life. The fact that he is less abusive then others, only means ur getting help earlier that maybe some others. It is a progressive family disease. Make positive changes for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My take on this might be slightly different, but I don't think Al-Anon (or anyone else) is advising you to "alienate" your A.... my take on "focussing on yourself" would be that you don't allow your A's behaviors to alter what your plans were going to be.... for example, if the five of you made plans to go to a park tonight after work, and your A chooses to get drunk instead, we'd encourage you and your kids to still go to the park.... "focussing on your self" is simply the act of us stopping giving our A's to "make or break" our nights, plans, etc....
If your A wants to pick a fight, particularly when drunk, it's typically best not to engage him (if possible).... In doing things like these, we start to diminish the "power" they have over us, and start standing up for our needs "regardless of what they are doing"....
Hope that helps Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I see the point- for me, it's his mood swings when he is NOT drinking. He's short tempered and just an a$$ to be around. So, on those particular days, I should do my best to strive even harder to do what me and my girls would want. I feel pretty good today- our "sunroom" off of our kitchen has needed some heavy sorting through. This is where for the past 7 years we have stored most of our "stuff". I have been promised a building since we have lived here. Today, I have been working on sorting through my things and my girls things. Sacking up stuff to throw out, keep, and give away. I just about have all of our stuff done. I, on the other hand, have not gone through my husbands boxes that have sat there for years. Years ago I boxed his stuff up and asked him to go through them, but he just keeps accumulating things and he won't throw anything away. So, I just pushed all his stuff against the wall and I am leaving it there. He can do what he wants with it. This is all part of me getting on with my life. It feels really good too. thanks for the advice everyone!
Small steps help. I do think it was tremendously hard for me to focus on me in the past. Now it is one of the central keys in my recovery. I continually bring myself back to that.
