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I don't know where to begin and I am almost to tired to think. I have not talked to him in almost 2 days. He is 3 weeks sober and seemingly doing great. But it also seems that i no longer have a place in his life now that he has found AA. He has checked himself in to a 12-step halfway house type place right down the street, (less than a mile away). He has become even more selfish and rude sober than when he was drinking. No cares for anything but his "recovery". What about our marriage? Should I leave him? Can I leave him? Do I really want to leave him? I am so angry right now, at myself for giving in and trying to call him, and very much at him for not answering and not calling me. When we last saw each other on Friday, he was stopping by for a bit to "spend time" no real affection, no answers as to where our marriage fits in. It felt cold, empty and I felt and told him I feel like I am falling out of love. All I feel is sadness and disappointment when I look at him. He seems so arrogant and pompous and downright fake. The problem is I have never knew how to leave someone, even when I knew I should go. I'm not certain i want to give up on my marriage just yet but the severe detachment he is practicing is unbearable. He says me being sad and angry is a trigger for his drinking. I left 2 angry messages with him and i am pretty sure he let someone or a few people listen to them and they have told him to avoid all contact with me.
I am new here as well, so honestly, I may not give you the best advice. Someone will come along on here and really be able to give you some answers. It sounds like he is to you like the alcohol is to him. You need to get YOU together before you two re-unite or not. Deep down you know he's not right for you, but he's your addiction. (possibly). It's strange that even when we know something is not good for us, we still want some of it. Learn to live for yourself, start doing things that make you happy. This will take time, because you probably don't even know who you are anymore. You've probably focused on him and his illness for so long, and neglected you. Give him his space and get on with life. If it's meant that you are supposed to be together after his rehab, then hopefull by then you will have some of yourself back, and can see if the marriage will work with ALL OF YOU being in it, along with ALL OF HIM. And it's no surprise how you feel when you look at him. I know in my case, I look at my husband and feel that way alot. But it's not my husband I am looking at when I feel that way, it's the disease I see more than my husband, and that is what makes me angry and bitter. My husband is pompous and egotistical (is that even a word???) too, and that drives me crazy. I now have learned not to give in to that type of behavior. I'll just say things like," Whatever you think", or "I'm sorry you feel that way". I am proud of both of you for trying to move forward, even if there are two different lights at the end of the tunnel. You're both trying to work towards something better.
I have just ordered two books that I think address this situation. They are: Getting Them Sober (vol. 1 and 4). You can read excerpts from them on: www.gettingthemsober.com
Thank you for your reply. I'm in tears right now, was searching divorce topics online. I can hardly function at times, then other times I feel strong and self-assured. I was the one who threatened to leave if he did not get help and now that he is seeking help, I feel he no longer wants me. Like I am the reason he is a drunk. He destroyed his first marriage with alcohol, and this marriage too is suffering greatly. Sometime when I say I'll just leave you then, even I know it is probably just an empty threat to try to get what I want...my husband back (but sober). He is in this place for 4 months. He has only been staying there 10 days. We have hardly seen each other during that time and when we have, we don't mesh..on the phone it's either I have to be all about support and positive or he has to go...bye...click. I need to go to sleep now. Thank you again for being out there somewhere. I guess there are a whole slew of "us", huh?
Newly sober alcoholics are bit#% to live with! They are feeling all their feelings at once and in many cases for the first time, without alcohol. The best thing that you can do for you is get to a f2f meeting of al-anon and they will have free pamphlets there to give out on Detachment and other al-anon topics. Another good book, in addition to what Bella suggested is Living with Sobriety. There is a chat room on this forum open 24/7 and there's always someone in there to talk to, or if not just wait a few minutes and someone will come in. There are 2 meetings a day in the chat room too, that you can go to, if you can't get to a f2f meeting right away. One thing we learn in al-anon is the three C's: We didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't contol it, but we can change us! And that happens slowly through the al-anon program and working the 12 steps and getting a sponsor. I know all this is new to you right now and may seem overwhelming. Why not just start with the Serenity Prayer:
God Grant me the Serenity To accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
Good luck on your recovery journey, Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Whoa, (((((((((((((((((crispin))))))))))))))))))))), breathe hon, come have a hug.
Sounds like he's what we call "stark raving sober". Literally every speck of his energy is going to keep himself sober. He's barely detoxed yet. This is a fabulous opportunity for you to get yourself to your own alanon meetings, which will arm you with tools to begin returning some sanity to your own life - regardless of what happens with his.
I remember having a similar complaint with my sponsor when my hubby had, oh, 3-6 months in program. "It's like we NEVER talk", I said. She kinda smiled and said what I just repeated to you, about every bit of energy in early recovery being devoted to staying sober. I said, after THREE MONTHS???? (or however many it was). Yes, she said.
Then she reminded me that it was MY responsibility to find a place where I COULD be heard, because of course I need that - and an alanon meeting, or calling her, was a great way to do that.
If you haven't found face to face meetings near you yet, check out al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm for links to various states' and countries' websites, with lists of meetings. And I hope you keep coming back. It's a difficult time, but alanon can help YOU.
this has been a horrible weekend for that. My acoa h is in full throttle "look after me" recovery. He is exactly as you describe. Full swing. He is pompous, self righteous, phoney, and superior. He is taxing to live with, and I don't like him at all. He is maddening superior and condescending. No matter what I do or say, or don't do or don't say, I'm the problem. He has developed the most convenient, twisting past events so out of skew I don't even know half the time what he is talking about. To make matters worse, he's now coming off to the kids like he's found a new religion, and they should follow his example - which includes ignoring or discounting anything I have to say.
I am trying very hard to stay focussed. I am trying very hard to look for the good and get on with my life.
My boyfriend has 6 months sober and lives in a 1/2 way house about an hour away from our home. Last week he dropped the bomb that he needed to let me go to focus on his recovery and deal with the horrible things he has done to me and to our relationship. I was ok, then a mess, then ok, then wanted to become a text stalker, then burned up his phone, and then finally got it together again.
What has helped and even given me some peace and serenity is posting a message here, getting to as many meetings as possible including AA meetings, found a new sponsor, and have re-worked my step 1 like a crazy woman. I have surrounded myself with my recovery and have taken the focus off of the why's of his recovery.
What I realize is that I too have a choice in this relationship. I don't know if I want to dedicate myself to this relationship at this point and so why would I expect him to think any differently. If there is a chance for this relationship, it will only be if we get better separately and then grow in the relationship. I know at this moment I must focus on me if there is to be any hope.
Once I put the focus on me, beauty began to happen and I got a call from him yesterday. It was probably the most honest conversation we have had in years. There were no motives, forcing solutions, begging, or talk about the future... just today. It was wonderful to let each other know we loved and missed each other, period.
i'm in a similar situation. ah is 9 days sober and we're talking seriously about separation after i come back from a vacation next week. but the weird thing is: he's acting like he cares. he's gone out of his way to do me large favors, called up and asked if i wanted ice cream when he was at his meeting last night and when i invited him to go to the park with me and the dogs yesterday morning, he jumped at the chance. i am not elated. i am extremely stressed out. i leave for LA on wednesday night and won't see him until tuesday night. i'm not afraid he'll go out drinking, i'm afraid he'll be too happy when i'm gone, which is the opposite affect of what i want to happen.
i don't know. i'm just all over the place. but his actions in the past few days have made me start to attach again and i'm panicking.
Your story is mine, xter. And thanks for your kind words to me last week.
My A did the same thing! A couple of weeks before he broke up with me, he was doing things I never thought he would while "out there." In recovery, he was really stepping up to the plate like he never had before. That's why I had no clue when he dropped the bomb!
My A explained that the wonderful things he was doing prior to the break-up and the actual break-up was part of his amends process and him doing the next right thing. As hurtful as it is, there is solice in knowing he is working his program.
I think that they are in a total fog when new in recovery and really have no clue what they want; similar as to when they were in the disease. They are grasping on to everything just to remain sober. With that being my truth, I have decided to just focus on me and try not to zig when they zig or zag when they zag. Talk about insanity!
For now, I am trusting the recovery process and have put my A in my god box. We both have our own higher power. I may not get what I want... but I trust that I will get what I need.
I would be devastated by a split. Even if I mention persuing it myself. He did call back today, and I am still sad & alone. I go from okay to nuts. Cycling everyday back and forth. Therapy tomorrow will hopefully help along with reading and posting here. Thank you everyone for your advice and kindness.
Here you will find great wisdom and emotional strength and hope (es&h). If I may I'll share my story with you
I found MIP last year when my partner went into rehab, he too anounced that we had to seperate so he could focus on his recovery. I was completly devastated, confused, hurt and angry. You name it I felt it. I didnt realise at the time that I was starting a journey of self discovery. Thanks to the amazing love and support here I was led gently by the hand through what was a nightmare time. I learnt to take the focus off him and place it in myself, I learnt that by working my own program I was not only helping myself but was also able to understand some of the issues faced by the A in their own program. I realise now just how sick my partner was and to expect someone who is so sick to be able to be part of a healthy loving relationship is asking for trouble. I went to face to face (f2f) Al-anon meetings, and the online meetings here,read everything I could get my hands on around my issues of codependancy, and posted here. All of this helped me through what many describe as a rollercoaster ride. Early recovery is so very hard for an A, so many emotions resurfacing, so much for them to deal with. Often they can do no more than hold on for dear life to their chance of recovery, family and loved ones are left aside.
I cant tell you how important it is to take this time for YOU, and use it as an opportunity find true happiness and healing from the disease of alcohol Crispin I'm glad you've found MIP, we dont give advice here but there is something I would strongly recommend and that is to get to an Alanon meeting if you can, post here and read the boards. I did and it saved my sanity.
There are lots of sayings we use and it does take a little time to get used to them For now I'll leave you with just one. Keep coming back your Worth it
Now I find out he has stopped direct deposit of his paycheck into our joint account. I feel that he is sneaking around, does not trust me and is planning for a way out. The house loan is in my name but the deed has both of our names on it. I screamed at him and threatened divorce. He says we should not have cable television (I am the one who wanted and got it) and that he cannot pay for it...I said fine with me, BUT I cannot pay for your child support or shell out hundreds of extra dollars a month for your kids. He has 3 home schooled sons, they are not up to par with your average kids, their father has never really parented them but instead been one of them. I feel like he is not my partner anymore. I go from crying to rage, to calling. I have even thought about shutting off his cell phone since it is on my account and my credit. My therapist told me it is not uncommon for us SOs of alcoholics to feel like they were easier to deal with when actively drinking...that is so true and so screwy in so many ways. I feel like maybe I should focus more on leaving him and moving on than thinking that our marriage will improve, but I have never been good at leaving someone, it terrifies me. Tomorrow night he is going to a holiday weekend free concert downtown with other people at the rehab/halfway house he is staying at....nice to be in rehab but have a 1am curfew. Makes no sense to me whatsoever.
