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I hope I am not boring you all posting about my dating life, but it makes me feel better to get it out there and get feedback from you guys. After the text apology I sent a text on Thursday just casual and he responded. We didn't talk on Friday. But, Saturday I really wanted to see him. Was going out with friends so I sent him a text in the afternoon and said for him to call if he wanted to catch up later. So he text that night asking where I was. We spent the next 4 hours texting back and forth about if he was coming, why he wasn't coming, blah blah. Anyway, I ended up at the bar alone and text him to tell him so. He sent one back and asked if I needed to be rescued. I said please. He then called and said he had to take a friend to see his girlfriend who was cheating blah, blah, blah. So I said why couldn't I ride with him. He didn't go with that so I said I would call my brother in law to come and get me. He said no, don't do that, just give him 15 minutes and he would work it out, etc. Anyway, he did come get me and we went back to his house. I of course apologized all over myself and said I would never do again which he said he didn't mind, etc. He then admitted that there was a 19 yr old girl who was in his drive way that he had to ask to leave since he was coming to get me. We had fun and this morning had lots of fun talking. He asked me on the boat today and texted several times, but I declined- feeling like I had "chased" him too much last night, etc. I know he sees lots of other people and mostly young girls. He thinks I see other people- though there is noone else. Therefore, there is no expectation. However, I made such a pain of myself last night because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted despite what he was already doing. That seems to be a common theme in my dating life. I def take it personally when they do not do as I wish. Also, I want to be able to just go with this and have fun, but I keep finding myself feeling insecure- waiting for texts- affirming myself based on his attention. My goal is to learn something from each of these relationships and would appreciate any objective insight. Do you have to have serious in a relationship or can you just date knowing that it is not exclusive or "going somewhere"?
For me, I took a long time off to get me together. Found out who and what I was, and what I wanted.
I learned to love me, and how to make myself whole, secure and happy.
Was celibet many years. Wanted to stop pretending I felt something I didn't.
Learned about finances, bought only needs, and a few wants.
Was around friends more,learning to be comfy as just me.
Then I did not need a man at all. I enjoyed them, got to know them, talked, just was light and happy.
They were extra. I did not want intimacy until I was ready and really felt it plus I wanted to be married first.
AH started wooing me and stalking me, and lol uno, I think I shared I would look out my window and think gads why is he here again?
Took him a year, and I knew he was the one and he changed my mind. Even though the brain surgery took him away then the medical relapse, to him being completely lost I don't regret it.
So what I am saying is, as I read your post, I felt this person was lost looking for something that no one else can give them.
I know I never waited for anyone to call me. Had my own life. Was happy in my own skin.
Maybe instead of wanting someone, anyone, maybe you are looking for you?
I would say absolutely no would I ever go looking for anything. I don't believe it works that way. For me in my life, I met lots of guys and if I liked him I did, if it was going somewhere, sometime it might.
But I have NO expectations, I enjoy the ride.
I know these days it seems everyone sleeps with everyone. To me that makes a mess of things.
Men and women take it totally different.
Anyway this is my response! I am GLAD you are still here! love,debilyn
As a codependent I have always wanted, even in the early stages, to know exactly where a relationship "was going". I am sure this came off as very controlling to my partners. Growing up with an alcoholic father I only felt safe if I could control the situation. But this is not good for a relationship!
In my most recent relationship I picked (yes I decided I wanted him) a guy who I hit it off with from day one. He always called me and was very reliable. I was able to trust him and let go of the control. When our age difference came up I was even able to say "let's just enjoy ourselves and see where things go." This made both of feel relaxed and able to give the relationship a try.
What comes first? The chicken or the egg? What I mean is that I picked a more available person when I was in a good place in my life (involved with my work, active volunteering, making new friends etc.). Available people call you, act interested etc. This all helps me let go of the control a bit and relax and enjoy. The more relaxed I am the more my partner feels safe and able to give me what I want.
I am not saying I didn't get a little worried or wondered if he would keep calling etc. But I was able to talk to myself and remember that he had always called when he said he would so he would do it again this time etc. I really believe a man's (or woman's) ACTIONS speak a lot louder than his (or her) WORDS.
wow... for me I didnt figure out how to date & keep it light until I was 39 or 40. All the other times before that I too was the way u describe - looking to them to validate me, over reacting then being embarassed. Too involved too fast, rushing intimacy so emotions were confusing. I got busy working on discovering self love, as debilyn mentions. I spent time with me & put blinders on. I got very focused on me & began to let self love unfold. It was very hard at first b/c I'd never done it before... I was figuring it out. Once I was able to feel some self love... I no longer was seeking anything from other people. It happened as if by magic. I could look to me & be fulfilled. So I could go out & date & keep it very light w/ no expectations. I was no longer demanding anything in return. I considered it simply, as an opportunity to get to know someone better to see if I might be interested in them. It was kind of like a interview in a way... meeting people, talking, seeing what was in common or if they were interesting to me.
In the past, I also was obsessed with whther a relationship was going anywhere but I stopped staring at the future like that & got into now/today. In the past on a date, I'd have obsessed so much, I wasnt really "there" I was in my own fantasies about where it's going. But I didnt rush friendships with girl friends - I let them unfold slowly over time and that is what I began to do with men. Let things unfold & stop forcing situations. I tried to take it for what it was in reality - not what I wanted (or thought I wanted) it to be.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
