Need help Please!!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

shadow1 · Senior Member

Need help Please!!!!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

HI shadow , yup some days reality really does stink. Accepting the people u thought u could count on to support and help you *, Can't * is a tough one alright . Just another lesson on taking care of yourself . that for me is beauty of Al-Anon those friends always support me regardless of what is going on . they may not agree with what I am doing but they remain loyal .
Make of list of things that need to be taken care of , sit and prioritize in order of importance , do what has to be done NOW and work your way down the list . every one u scratch off feels sooooooo good .
Accepting people for who they really are is not easy , it changes relationships but sure cuts down on the dissapointments . And your not going to fail , your doing good you have been thru alot in the last couple of yrs , there is nothing u can't do One day at a time . Louise
Only want to be around u when things are good __ your facing your problems their not obviously and have no time or understanding of your situation as for the only when they want something well what comes to mind for me is Boundaries and remembering that the word NO can be a complete sentence . Take care of your own needs first .

-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 28th of June 2009 03:25:51 PM

Overcome · Senior Member

This subject came up in a email al-anon group that I participate in. The question asked was: how do we handle all the things we do each day and how do we go about doing this without stressing ourselves out completely, in accordance with our HP's will for us? I adopted the question and broke it down into three parts.

Handling all the things we do each day:
(I make a list)
My spiritual welfare starts with an on-line meeting in the MIP forum.
I make sure I read my literature daily readings from my CAL literature.
I make a "list of things to do today"
(then I start my list)
wash dishes
vaccuum carpet
run laundry
etc.

How we go about doing this
without stressing ourselves out completely?
(Again I make a list)
Take breaks during the day.
Take a long walk to reflect on my day thus far.
Say the serenity prayer when things start to overwhelm me.
Take a hot shower.
Look at First Things First on my list
Realize I don't have to do everything on my list in one day.
(You can add your own stress reliever here)

In Accordance with our HP's will for us?
(Again a list is made)
I pray for my day and ask for God's will to be done.
Ask God for his guidance and presence with me during this day.
Continually throughout the day, ask if I'm within his will for me.
Thanks the God of my understand for this day, at the end of it.

This is much the same as what Abbyal said, I just broke it down into three parts. It's just how I work my program.

Take what you can use and throw the rest away!

Love in recovery,

Overcome

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((Louise)))))))))))))))))

Pacing myself and not expecting anything from anyone else.

The problem is, when one is good at helping others, others do not see one as NEEDING help...and often as not, would not have a clue how to help.

However, I have learned to pull back more in the last year only and I have been working my program, and living a life of helping others for nigh on 30 years, even longer if I think back.

I am a slow learner, however, I am getting there. I am realising that part of my problem was being a people pleaser too, and I needed to help others. However, just because one is a people pleaser and has a need to help others does not give me the right to expect others to be, and do the same.

By NOT expecting anything from others I relieve my stress by taking disappointment out of the equation.

I rely on self, and God (my higher power) alone. If anyone else steps up to help, well that is a bonus. It sure does take the stress levels down when I don't hold my breath for others.

Now I simply take things in 15 minute chunks. That is how my Pain Management Programme taught me to handle my pain last year and I have developed the art of pacing myself. Hey, it works too.

Here's a little saying to go with that pacing programme:

INCH BY INCH IT'S A SINCH, YARD BY YARD IT'S FAR TOO HARD.

And if, on the really bad days, I can only do fifteen minutes work, well that is better than nothing at all. However, that is rare as I am a doer, a determined soul and I do not give you. Guess that is living on my own now for the last twenty years, and being a lone parent when I was married to someone who was always sailing the seven seas and never at home to help with the family and house whilst I also kept three jobs going as well as looking after my children and home and serving on some fifteen committees.

Guess I am a doer, and always will be, and I have come to realise I can only rely on myself and God. That way, I repeat keeps my stress levels down.

Sending you hugs, for I know how many years I felt sad and let down before I got to working this out in my best interest.

Suzannah

-- Edited by debilyn on Sunday 28th of June 2009 09:50:26 PM

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

Ooops, sorry Louise, some spelling mistakes in that. I am tired. Do forgive me. It is half two in the morning and I have been struggling with pain these last few days...so I don't sleep for long either at times like these.

Suz

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shadow...I go for what I have learned in the program in the past and that
worked for me then...Slogans included...How important is it? (Goodie)...also
This too will pass. I stress when I don't let it p a s s. I found out I could let lots
of things pass and others would let me and some of them wanted me to do that
anyway. The list is an important tool and I run lists (when I do them lol) thru
the "Just For Today" Al-Anon Pamphlet..."Just for today I will have a program. I
may not follow it completely but I will have one (paraphrased)".

I give others grace and tolerance, compassion, love (always), understanding
and acceptance (always). With that I keep my expectations trimmed. I do
expect and if my expectations are not met at all..."Oh well". If my expectations
are somewhat met its..."Thank you for your support and Oh well".   If the
person helps at or beyond my expectations, I show my gratitude and add
something special if they like and then..."Oh well...that was great!!" Iwon't
let what another does or doesn't do drag me back into hell if I can help it.
If I find myself in hell...I have helped it because I am somewhere I don't want
to be.

My sponsor once asked me. "What if while you are lifting weights you find that
you can't lift the bar over your head?"   I replied, "As much as I don't like looking
weaker than any other guy in the room...I take some weight off the bar." He
then asked me. "If you don't take weight off the bar and continue to try to
push it over your head, what happens then?"   "I get a hernia...just like the one
I have already" I answered.   Stressing means you're carrying too much weight.
Take some off the bar. If any one is looking and looks like they are thinking less
of you, "Oh well". If their watching and you ask for help and they are not up to
the task...let it go and let God!".

Keep coming back...practice, practice, practice...(((((hugs))))) smile

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Been there.

Hon I didn't even have a vehicle and am in the country!

Anyway it has been awhile now, I learned to do everything myself. I never have help.

It does not get me down anymore either.

I have been very ill since Thursday night. Kept waking up wanting my Mother.....
My prolem is sensitive and embarrassing.

Anyway I felt serene though and it is ok.

If we keep going and simplify what we can, we get our lives to fit us.

I am talking even little things. My house has these high top things you can put things on. I used to have antique jars on the windows ten feet up and antiques and plants on those top things and soffet. NO MORE.

NO carpet, hate it. NO clutter throw away stuff, junk. I will even leave those stupid plastic things at the store that cans come in. I hate all that crap that comes with our meds. I toss it right after I get it.

It is hard to do it ALL! car, house,bills, food, cleaning, repair on and on.

After awhile I promise you will figure out your priorities and get rid of the rest.

What causes ya the anxiety,if it is not a need, I got rid of it. Of course people would tell me, well "get rid of your animals." I am sure my hair stood up on end. I said ok you get rid of your husband.

My animals cause me NO TROUBLE. They add to my life.

anyhoooo it will be ok. love you,debilyn and yes if friends give some great, if not oh well.

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Debilyn for doing the editing I was so tired last night when I responded.

Think it reads properly now.

Louise -

Still pacing myself and hoping you all will find benefit from doing the same. Do not worry about what others do or do not do. Look at yourself and every time you met with a challenge and overcome give yourself a pat on the back.

Hey, when one is busy surviving it is amazing how many tasks seem to pop up. Just don't look them all in the face at the same time. Look straight ahead and deal with the one in your face at that moment in time.

I learn not to be the mother hen and gather all my "chickens" (my nickname for all the challenges that seem to come along like our famous London red buses (in two threes or more at a time lol - there are none forages and then suddenly one looks up to see a regular fleet of them arriving at the bus stop all at the same time.)

Just hoping today will be a day that you do not feel swamped. One day at a day. One hour at a time. One task at a time.

Together you and your hp will get by. Of that I am confident.

Suzannah

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