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I didn't see this one coming. Some of you may have seen my earlier post. I was excited I made my first friend at al-anon and we were invited over for a cookout. It was seriously our first "dry" social event.
We have three small children. My friend called and asked if it was ok to invite another couple with a 5 year old and I thought it was great as my kids could play with the other couples child.
We got there and things seemed well.
After dinner, the topic turned to alcohol. The entire rest of the night that was the topic. My dry drunk was pissed. He played with my son in the other room while the rest of us stayed in the kitchen and talked. I guess my freind's fiance, sponsor's the couple that came. I had no idea.
On the way home, I drove and all I said was, "Ann's mom is in my Wednesday night group." and he responded with, "Ya, I like how you stacked that night up" -
I was angry and told him he thought a lot of himself if he thought I called my brand new friend and asked her if she could "stack" the room with AA people for him to rope him in.
So, my exciting night ended in a bust....now I feel like I can't see that couple again socially with my husband..not even sure WHAT to say to her, as her fiance is heavily into the program and mine isn't.
Any advice would be great. (EDIT: I feel it necessary to say I'm in a place where no matter what I do, I can't win) We went camping after a long hiatus from it. We haven't been back since he quit drinking. He really wanted to buy a new camper and go. Well we went and we walked around a campground FULL of drinkers. He admitted to me it was a tough weekend and he was strugling. I really feel like I'm in no place to help him. I just told him he should talk to his counselor (who is an addiction counselor) He of course promptly said he is mad at him after our last session (he is our MC too) and I explained, if you're mad, you have to TELL him you're mad.
There is nothing I can do. If we try to be the couple we used to be "drinking is everywhere" - If I attempt to be this new person, I'm "roping him into AA" somehow...which all I'm doing is going to Al-anon which has nothing to do with him. I made a new friend and WOW, it's like I can't even hang with her socially with him and her fiance cuz GOD FORBID alcohol is brought up....
-- Edited by Inpain on Sunday 28th of June 2009 01:35:44 PM
I'd take it as a lesson learned for me... I'd probably still go and socialize with the friend, even invite hubby to join me, but not expect him to come along.
I find sometimes I like to take on this weird mantle of being responsible for everyone's feelings - especially my AH's feelings. If he's mad and I was in the room when he got mad, then it somehow must all be my fault. I forget he's responsible for his own feelings sometimes, and that, really, unless I know deep down I was trying to be manipulative somehow, that it's his issue to deal with... and I'm not the one responsible for how he feels.
Glad you're making some friends in recovery who you can socialize with outside of the meetings. :) I've not pushed that far forward in my recovery... I chat with people before the meeting and after the meeting, and if there are any get-togethers outside of the meetings, it's all still something focused on the program... like a birthday get-together or a goals meeting or something.
I can understand your husband's feelings and to be honest, it sure wouldn't be a topic I would want to spend the whole evening talking about either.
He's wrong in his belief that it was a set up but I can certainly see why he would think that. I don't think the topic should consume a whole night. The Sponsor and the sponsee should keep their conversations between them.
If the new friend wanted to have a private AA/Alanon meeting she should have said so. If I'm invited to a cook out then that's what I expect. IMO a cook out is a time to relax and have fun. We deal with alcoholism enough in our lives w/o having to spend the "fun time" discussing it for hours on end.
Honestly, I would have left when I saw that it was going to be a marathon conversation. I wouldn't want to stay on any one subject all night long, let alone alcohol. Maybe I'm seeing it differently but I think it was rude. Didn't anyone consider that your husband was playing with kids all night because he wasn't interested in their conversation? It sounds like they have hung out before so she probably knew how it would go.
IMO, It's the same as someone with a plan of ramming their religion down your throat all night long when they had said it was a "cook out"..
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Sunday 28th of June 2009 05:20:33 PM
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I certainly understand him being upset if the whole evening was focussed on alcohol recovery but it wasn't. We had appetizers and talked about all sorts of stuff. People we all knew in town, then during dinner our favorite movies, etc., it wasn't until after dinner, that the subject turned to recovery.
My husband has never admitted his addiction and can't, and I suppose that's why he isnt in AA. I just saw a painful commercial with teens getting drunk at a party drawing all over a drunk girls face. That literally happened to my husband last summer. I wish he had seen it. The worst part was they took pictures then distributed it after....
"So, my exciting night ended in a bust....now I feel like I can't see that couple again socially with my husband..not even sure WHAT to say to her, as her fiance is heavily into the program and mine isn't." -Inpain
Well... I say be honest to this new friend, just like u told ur AH to do. Just be honest. Friendship take time to develop & unfold. We all go through learning to communicate with each other & it is a process like anything else. I understand wanting to be friends with couples but it can be tricky. Everyone wont get along all the time, that's natural. We all have sensitivities about alcohol, even if we still drink ourselves. I'm sorry ur AH didnt seem to have fun.
Work your own program, the best u can. It is perfectly ok to have your own friends too. In new friendships it sort of helps when u do an activity or have a game. I can see ur AH's feelings too. Social situations can be tricky period.
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