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Here I am my weekend off. I am sicker than a dog. and I'm trying to get better so that I can go to my niece's graduation today. I talked to both my sister and niece yesterday and said that I would most likely be at the graduation. However I wasn't sure if I could make it out to dinner. My sister then tells me that they are just coming back to the house for cake and a small celebration. I told her I would just play it by ear. After all I am running a fever and I have a huge work week coming up. My niece was okay with it but sounded a bit disappointed. I knew something was up with her. I couldn't get her to talk about it. So I went back to bed.
Later on my sister calls again to tell me that the my niece cancelled the celebration b/c I couldn't make it and her other aunt & uncle cancelled. My sister thought it was b/c my niece (I'll call her Laura) was ashamed of her house. I did not say yes she is. There is some small truth to that. Her Dad is an addict and the house needs so much work. But as we all know an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do. Her other aunt & uncle didn't want to come b/c they never know what kind of mood her Dad will be in. This is why I had suggested we all go out to dinner instead. He can behave himself in a more neutral area. Laura went up to ask her Dad if he was coming to graduation. I asked my sister the same thing earlier. Sister said "Of course he is." I had doubts in my mind. Well it turns out he's not. Laura's heart is broken. Because despite all she's been through with him, he's still her Dad.
Well my siste completely lost it on me. I know she was lashing out b/c she really has no one to talk to. But she's blaming me for things I have no control over. I, along with her boyfriend am to blame for her independence plus the fact that she doesn't like the religion she was baptized into. She has this idyllic version of what a family should be and how it should look to the rest of the world. Well I'm sorry to say it just doesn't work that way.
I started talking to her very calmly, but didn't stay that way. I am not one to raise my voice unless provoked. Guess what happened? Yep I turned into a raving lunatic! I was sooo frustrated with her. I kept screaming how badly she needs a reality check. That she needs to get into Alanon and fast if not counceling as well. So where was my program when I'm doing all of this? I was quoting slogans, I was telling her how it helped me. Of course I heard how she thinks getting a divorce will solve all of the problems for her. She's been saying that for years and never made a move. She said she stayed b/c of the girls. I reminded her that Mom & Dad did the same thing (neither of them were addicts) and it wasn't a great realtionship. I told how Tim & his first wife did the same thing and that ended in disaster. I told her the benefits of the program and how much it has helped me. Once again we around in the never ending circle. She says she wants nothing to do with THIS program as it is all about HIM and HIS problems. I tried to explain how it really isn't. On and on it went for well over an hour. I know better. When we use to argue as kids at some point I would have enough, go into my bedroom and lock the door. She would stand outside and just scream at me and I wouldn't answer. It would drive her crazy and eventually she'd walk away. Would that I had that door that I could close. I was pretty harsh with her. I made it clear how she needs to grow up and take care of herself. How she needs therapy of some kind. I didn't sugar coat this. I certainly don't like the way I handled it. So much for living my program huh?
I have offered so many times to help her with her recovery. She finally addmitted that one of the reasons why she goes to Lisa's (other neice) soccer games so much is b/c she doesn't want to go home. I suggested that she takes one of those practices and gets to a meeting. I told her the joys of this program how it saved my life and she just didn't want to hear it. She is almost as sick as he is. I offered to give her none of my books and she doesn't want them. She has no time to read. I told her well she certainly makes enough time to be miserable! OUCH! I'm not proud of that. She couldn't respond to that though. I know better than to engage in this kind of drama!!! I feel like I need to make amends to her for that and the way I handled this.
So I am planning on going to graduation and then come home. I will sit with my sister and niece and enjoy Laura's day. Laura and I will have a private celebration with her boyfriend on another day. I have promised her a New England clam bake complete with lobster. I know I can help her because she's receptive to recovery. She already has some of my books.
I am worried about my sister and other niece. This is one fractured family. I know I can't help her unless she wants the help. But she's in such a bad place and it's not healthy for my other niece. She's soo angry at the world. She's got issues with my parents that she's never resolved. She's angry at my work for not promoting me. I reminded her that I turned the promotion down because it really wasn't in my best benefit. She's angry that my Tim got taken away from me. I told her I'm not angry at what happened so why should she be? I'm afraid that if my sister doesn't get help than the younger niece will have just as many issues. She's such her father's daughter it's scary.
Well I'm going to sit out on the patio and enjoy this gorgeous morning. The neighbors are moving. Soon Laura will have a key, and Pipers can come and go as she pleases. Thanks for letting me vent. I am open to any suggestions that you might have. Enjoy the rest of the weekend. Much love and blessings to you and your families. Pipers and I send our love to our Alanon pet family too. She's too busy hunting.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Sunday 28th of June 2009 07:18:27 AM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well, first let me just say that I hope you get better real soon, take care of yourself! Sounds like ALOT going on in your family. I hope I read everything right, so in case I didn't and something doesn't make sense of what I say, sorry! I feel for your niece. Sounds like she has in a way had to be the adult in her home. That's such a tender age. I am curious, does she have access to internet, where she can "talk" about her dad's alcoholism? So many questions she has would be answered. Maybe you have been able to be there for her as well. And maybe she cancelled everything because of all things combined. I understand that you don't feel like socializing afterwards, and I'm sure deep down she understood that. It's just probably that with everything else- her dad not going- her mom's stress from her dad not going- you having to cancel afterwards, the house- was just too much. Which is why a restaurant would have been perfect. I just can't help but think that she's probably focused so much time on her dad and his problem that for once she just would like that day to be about her and would like a celebration about it. Maybe you could talk to her and tell her that when you get better the two of you could go do something for a day. I hope I have helped and got the story right. :)
Hi Karilynn, I'd love to see an avatar of your "piper's kitty"! Boy can I relate to your post! When I first came into the program I tried to shove al-anon onto anyone that would take it. I gave my first ODAAT book to my mother-in-law, doubt that she ever read it. Found out she and her A husband were having problems with their sex life, so I slipped a copy of "Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship" onto her bedside table! Boy did I think I could 'fix' things for others.
I was just sure that my friend that had an addict husband could benefit from the program, mainly because they had suggested it in her family sessions with her husband, but she wanted no part of it. We got into quite a fight over it, with me telling her how much it had helped me and that I thought it would help her and she defending herself by saying that she worked her own program through the church. and then I got on my soapbox about the church and how they hadn't helped me, blah, blah, blah. That didn't help. Maybe she does need to work her program through the church, it's not my business to run her life. It took me quite awhile to realize this. We are still friends today, despite my controling endeavors.
As the person that is elected to provide information to outside professional offices (I forgoet what the position is called) I contacted the head of the department at the university that I worked at and told him that I was informational chairperson at the local al-anon group (and explained to him what that was, since he didn't know) and if there were a person that came to him with problems with someone else's drinking that I could steer them to al-anon. Boy did I think I was the al-anon queen! God's gift to al-anon. I had forgotten that this is a program of attraction rather than promotion and that people who are ready and willing for the program will come. I did put out literature at doctors offices and dentists offices and other places where it could be seen. That is more a part of attraction rather than promotion than the other thing I did.
It's hard when it's your family and you know how much it could help them if they went. My mother has gone with me to one al-anon meeting, she just wanted to know what it was all about. I didn't press her to go to anymore meetings than that because she is 86 and I just didn't think at her age she would get it, but she seems to have benefited from what I have brought home and shared with her, so that has been a blessing. My daughter also goes to alateen sometimes and that has been a blessing to her when she goes.
As far as trying to help your sister or your other relatives all you can do is tell them about it and let go and let God. They will come to the program in their own time, or they will not. It is up to them, not you. I know you know this, but it is hard when it is your family.
I watch my own family of origin when they get together and drink and party and think how many could benefit from this program. We have already had one family member die of the cunning, baffling, powerful disease of alcoholism. I don't know if his family had the benefits of al-anon or not. I hope so, it makes taking these blows so much easier when we do.
I hope you get to go to the graduation and I hope you get to feeling better Karilynn. Take One day at a Time and Live and Let Live with your sister and your niece and all will work out in Gods time.
Love in Recovery,
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Hello there and am sorry your sick , sooooooo your human u lost it . If your that concerned you can apologize for way to spoke to her *angry * but not for what u said , just the way u said it . that works for me . I get angry too when i loose my cool and revert to ranting ewww hate that . but it happens occasionally like it or not . Take care of you , rest and enjoy the graduation . Louise
I just love it. I think sometimes we overdo an interpretation of this principle into "never mention it at all!!!" and I don't think that 's really what it means. Invite, by all means!! If even one accepts the invitation - isn't it worth it?
(((((((Karilynn)))))))) I'm so glad you'll be able to create a separate celebration with your niece. And you know, I know you lost your temper, but you said a lot of really true stuff to your sis - maybe that was the only way to get it out.
Hope you feel better soon, seems when we don't feel good are patience can be alot shorter than usual...your niece knows you love her...don't be so hard on yourself....
and I'm trying to get better so that I can go to my niece's graduation today. I talked to both my sister and niece yesterday and said that I would most likely be at the graduation. However I wasn't sure if I could make it out to dinner. My sister then tells me that they are just coming back to the house for cake and a small celebration. I told her I would just play it by ear. After all I am running a fever and I have a huge work week coming up. My niece was okay with it but sounded a bit disappointed. I knew something was up with her. I couldn't get her to talk about it. So I went back to bed. 
I was quoting slogans, I was telling her how it helped me. Of course I heard how she thinks getting a divorce will solve all of the problems for her. She's been saying that for years and never made a move. She said she stayed b/c of the girls. I reminded her that Mom & Dad did the same thing (neither of them were addicts) and it wasn't a great realtionship. I told how Tim & his first wife did the same thing and that ended in disaster. I told her the benefits of the program and how much it has helped me. Once again we around in the never ending circle. She says she wants nothing to do with THIS program as it is all about HIM and HIS problems. I tried to explain how it really isn't. On and on it went for well over an hour. I know better. When we use to argue as kids at some point I would have enough, go into my bedroom and lock the door. She would stand outside and just scream at me and I wouldn't answer. It would drive her crazy and eventually she'd walk away. Would that I had that door that I could close. I was pretty harsh with her. I made it clear how she needs to grow up and take care of herself. How she needs therapy of some kind. I didn't sugar coat this. I certainly don't like the way I handled it. So much for living my program huh? 
If your that concerned you can apologize for way to spoke to her *angry * but not for what u said , just the way u said it . that works for me . I get angry too when i loose my cool and revert to ranting ewww hate that . but it happens occasionally like it or not . Take care of you , rest and enjoy the graduation . Louise
