The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I said in my last reply I was going to bed, but I really need to get this off of my chest. I think it's the reason that today just wasn't a moving forward kind of day. My AH has a friend that has a house on a lake about 1 hour away from our home. This friend is truly a good man. I know my AH will want me and our girls to go along with him ( like he usually does to this friends house). He also has 3 kids and is married, and I get along great with his wife. I just don't want to go because I know how the weekend will go: 1. AH will take his boat and fish morning, and at night. 2. When he's back from fishing in his boat, he'll start on his beer- AND WON'T STOP. 3. So, I will be stuck in a house with an 8 month old baby while my older girls will want to swim off the dock. ( with life jackets of course!!) and either me or frien'ds wife will supervise the kids swimming, which means either her baby or my baby or both will be out in the heat and it's honestly too hot for the babies outside right now.
I'm sure there's alot more I am leaving out but I am really tired tonight. Here's my biggest dilemma (almost forgot- geez I AM getting old and forgetful) if I don't go my AH will insist the older girls go with him. I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO BE THERE WITHOUT ME!!!!!! Now he did take them by himself memorial day weekend, and I stayed home with the baby, but I worried constantly. Not that he would get drunk with them, because somehow even with drinking 12 beers a night he still seems "with it". He's just never a slobbering drunk, it's weird. I need some answers from ya'll- please!!!! I jsut don't want to go because also I feel as though once again, everything centers around him and what he wants. Plus- it's really hard traveling with a baby and staying a weekend away from home. It's just not in me right now to do that, plus worrying about my little swimmers out in the lake.
"even with drinking 12 beers a night he still seems "with it". He's just never a slobbering drunk, it's weird."
Would you allow anyone else to come to your house,drink twelve beers, then take your kids for a ride? Would you allow him to take your friends kids in a car after using?
Maybe ask him that question.
Not living in the disease, it is my experience to see for my own eyes how horribly a loved ones addictions, make us not think like we would normally do.
I sure did it too!
I don't care if it is my husband, my childrens father, whatever, he is a drunk or otherwise drugged up, my kids are NOT going to be around him at home, in a car or anywhere. that is ME.
They show those people on tv drink a couple drinks and they don't seem affected yet they hit the orange cones.
We don't do denial on purpose. I know one time I honestly did not see something I should have and when I realized it, it blew me away! I am willing to bet you any amount, if you lived with a non A, you would in no way consider having the kids go with him.
It is not just the drive, it takes ONE second for a kid or anyone to lose their life. Especially around water.
My A had my kids in the van one day and two days later, he was drunk, and did something dumb and was killed.
I would never never let my children go w/a drunk under any circumstances...End of case!!!! driving he could kill them or someone else....around water??? nooo way!!!! To put a child at risk for what??? his feelings??? too bad if he does not like it....Its his feelings or perhaps a dead kid.....
sorry to sound strong, but when it comes to kids, i pull no punches.....i might have put me at risk at times, but not my kids
Im sorry but I am with Debylin on this one , 12 beer is not a safe place for your kids to be period , no matter how old they are . he may appear with it , but he's not and if something went wrong dont count on him thinking clearly , if u don't go neither do the other kids . Your kids need one parent thinking clearly and watching out for thier saftey and that has to be you.
my brother in law is a retired EMT/Paramedic and I used to go with him on runs sometimes when I was a teen. I sure learned alot about drinking and boating. YOU DO NOT WANY A DRUNK BOATER anymore than you want a drunk person behind the wheel of the car...ugh, I agree with the rest.
I wouldn't let the girls go with their Dad. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do and there's nothing you can do about it. What if he decides to have more? It's not worth it. It's scary drinking and boating. I wouldn't go with someone that's been drinking that much why would I let a child go?
Perhaps this time you can tell your husband to go alone and that you just want some time with the girls. Make special plans with the girls. It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. Just something fun and silly. I'm sure you're very creative. It can be an extra special weekend for the 4 of you. Maybe you can even hire a sitter so that you and the girls can go to a movie or something. Just a thought. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
thank you all for your responses, but I think I may have, for a small part of it, put out the wrong message. As for the boating, my AH would never go out in it after he's had even 1. He never has and I feel certain he never would . So, I may have made it sound like that's what he was going to do, sorry for that! I meant that after he gets back from boating at night he would start on the beers,and as for the other times, he waits until the girls are through swimming before he starts drinking.. Even with that said, I still don't feel comfortable letting them go when he will still be drinking even on land. I've gone numerous times and watched what happens. He doesn't let them swim after he starts drinking, even when I am there. I just can't help but think what if one of them wants to get up and go outside at night while everyone is sleeping, and he doesn't even wake to know their gone? I seriously doubt they would ever try that - they're 6 and 12 and afraid of the dark, but there will be other kids there as well, so who knows? I feel like when there is water and kids around NOONE should be drinking, period. If he brings up going though, my kids will want to go. And I'm telling ya'll, there would be no stopping him taking them. So, for the sake of my kids, if he mentions going, it looks like me and the baby will be going. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply to my post.
My ex AH was very "functional" somehow too, and it kept me in denial for years. My husband had me convinced that he was a miraculous "exception" after consuming so much. Quite the Superman. And I believed it!!
My suggestion to you, is to look at your responsibilities, what you are responsible for/not responsible for? You are not responsible for his drinking. As a parent, you are responsible for the safety of your children. He is too sick to be responsible with them. (It is MY experience that A's love using children to cushion the reality of what's REALLY going on. It gives the appearance that their drinking is completely harmless, and they look like a wonderful Family man at the same time.)
I also suggest that you are responsible for taking care of YOURSELF. This vacation seems to exhaust you, and you haven't even left he house yet. With a baby in tow, will the vacation bring you more peace, or more stress? You matter too. ((((hugs))))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well, he's yet to mention it, and what you said about A's using their kids to make their disease seem less obvious is so true. That drives me crazy. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to deal with if he wasn't so functional. I mean, in some ways he is and of course in other ways he isn't. He doesn't ever drink and drive, won't boat while drinking, his words are'nt sloshy, he and the older girls go to church and Sunday school ( I'm guilty there- usually baby and me stay home). But now that she's older I will start going again- I had major fears of getting her out where there's a lot of people touching her with flu season going on when she was born. But then there's the side that has no motivation to take me anywhere, or do anything that our girls might want to do- pool, waterpark, 6 flags, etc. movie, you know just dealing with stuff that needs to be dealt with.
Hello everyone, I read here every day and have been helped so much. I also attend face to face meetings. I just wanted to say that with this sickness (you) I can't control it one day he will start drinking sooner than usual. I (you) did not cause it there is something that the A has to work out one their own. Last (you) I can not control it. This is what can make me sick trying to control someone elses sickness. I must focus on me. I agree that a movie and a cool quite afternoon would be great. Take of you. (((Hugs)))
You have a couple of options: 1) don't go because you have a young baby and tell your husband the girls are staying with you because you prefer he doesn't drink when he's got them all day. 2) Go, you or the other mom stay in the house OR go outside with an umbrella for the baby or find a tree with some shade for the baby. Make sure you get keys to drive home and be prepared for a long day 3) Tell your husband you'll go for a few hours and he can stay overnight with the friend and you'll stay for part of the day and drive home 4) tell him to go and stay overnight 5) (my favorite) tell him you made plans for yourself and the baby and then do it. Go wherever you want for yourself. Go where it might be easy for you and the girls and the baby and enjoy the day. Let him make the decision if he wants to come.
