The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a rough time tonight. The week has been harder than most with crazy at every turn it seems and I think for the most part I have held it altogether and kept moving forward in my life.
And then today the EXABF dropped the last of my things off while I was at work, and I just feel this overwelming sadness right now, emptiness almost. If you would have told me last year this time this is where he and I would have been I'd have laughed at you. I really believed with all my heart that he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, that he was it for me, and this is what is has come down to??? How do we go from loving one another and being best friends to hating one another and returning possessions as if we were never nothing to each other? I just don't get that.......how all that is left of that love is anger and returning possessions....
I mean even after the mistruths on his part and the stuff with my son and my gf's and the horribly mean way he talked down to me the last time we spoke it still hurts like hell. Why should I feel anymore loss or hurt because of this man?? After all he's put me through why should I feel anymore sadness or loss? I just wish it would stop and STAY stoppped ya know?
I'm just really sad right now and can't seem to find a way to look at it that puts it in a better perspective. Any ideas??? ESH would be greatly appreciated....... thanks, shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Grieveing takes time. It takes alot of time. And I remember feeling as if I was never ever going to feel better.
Some things I did were, cry when I felt sad. Get really mad and vent to safe people (NOT my ex) when I felt mad. I was VERY gentle with myself and treated myself as if I were very fragile (cause I was). I went to meetings every day, sometimes twice, I called friends, I went to the movies ALOT (my form of escapism). I even tried cliche things like bubble baths and mani/pedi.
I tried to band-aid my intense pain with other men (didn't work). I hooked up with guys and tried my damndest to overlook the red flags, my intuition, and common sense. It helped distract me for a bit, but I hurt some people on that path.
Today, I can focus. I know what is important. But I took a difficult path to get here.
My guess is you are doing the best you can with what you've got. Be patient with yourself. Let the feelings wash over you and when you get stuck, do something. But do something that is healthy for you. Treat yourself like you would your best friend.
Aloha Shelly...You might want to checkout this piece of CAL...Opening our Hearts Transforming our losses. I have not finished reading mine but from the start I related to most of what it was talking about. We do have solutions and other choices.
(((((hugs)))))
PS just looked up the Amazon link and they have copies listed for about 10 bucks with Al-Anon being a bit higher. The Amazon books maybe used to new...call em up gotta be a mall somewhere around you with an Amazon rack.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 25th of June 2009 06:33:06 PM
I can't tell you how to handle it. I am just so glad you have AlAnon.
My daughter's husband left her 6 years ago and she was devastated and still hasn't recovered very much. I would be so thankful if she would avail herself of ACOA or something along those lines.
The only thing I know from my own experience is that it helps to not try to suppress the feelings. That doesn't mean you shouldn't turn them off from time to time, if you can. Somebody who has worked through a loss with the program in place will be able to help you. And I agree with don't be hard on yourself.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I feel like you at times. It's hard, it's painful and yes I am sad. But in a way I am more at peace. I know I will make it through this and I know I will be better off without him even though I still love him very much.
It takes time I'm sure. That's what I have read everywhere. I try to keep myself busy doing something which helps, but usually at night when I lay down to go to bed I do cry.
Sometimes I will sit down and write 5-10 reasons why I left him and why I am going to be okay. I have a picture I took (incase he goes to court for custody) of him passed out sitting at the kitchen table using the high chair for his pillow. It often makes me cry when I look at it. I see what this disease has done to him. But I know I can't help him, fix him or change him. And it's easier for me to stick to my boundaries when we are not living together. He has to hit bottom and want help on his own; if this is what he choses to do.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I wish I could say that it won't matter and stop hurting. But here is my ESH. My Ahsober left 4 years ago. I just have to attribute it to the disease of alcoholism that takes many forms. He has said mean things to me, told me he never loved me, said he was unhappy because of me, etc. I take it personally but I know that it is the disease talking. What has helped is coming here, going to face to face meetings, reading the literature, and trusting in my HP to show me the way. Also, honoring my feelings about my AHsober. I do love him. I don't love the disease. But I ask why he can't be there and I know he can't unless he gets back into a program. Hang in there. Hope this helps.
In support, Nancy
-- Edited by nmike on Thursday 25th of June 2009 10:02:12 PM
Shelly if this will help, it is part of the process. I too said I want to stop loving him, please hp take this away.
But what he did was, make it ok to love him and let go.
You will feel better I promise. We just have to keep going, sometimes just going thru the motions. You are healing, healing hurts.
For me I accepted the depression. ok I am lonely, Ok I am grieving.
I have heard the,' I thought we would spend our lives together" from my own head and other members here. so I know it is part of it all.
Telling you to keep going, keep venting, crying etc. Then one day you will think, wait a minute I have been feeling better.
Shelly I remember when I first came here. ehhhhh NOTHING is worse than a broken heart. Crying where ever I went, getting groceries with out grabbing him a special ice cream, picking him out some nice wool socks, making him lasagna and chicken and dumplings....I love to do things for someone else. I loved taking care of him, and him taking care of me.
I would sit on the benches in Walmart to get it together. People would always ask is I was ok. I live in a little town.
I was in the thrift shop and there he was with her. I almost barfed. They left and I could barely move. One of the gals there talked to me and said, OK where is he!! lol I think she was going to give him uno. lol
I know the pain hon. NOT kidding, holding my Basset hound against my tummy helped fill that gaping bloody hole. could not eat or sleep or smile or laugh.
I had lost the most important thing in my life, a time i was the happiest, secure in my lfe.
Now I am secure on my own Shelly. Never had this before. I KNOW I will make things ok with hps guidance. Even if I am homeless or whatever. YOU will get here . I see ya working your program, you share and update.
One thing I am doing lately is asking,"I feel?" and feel things more.
I know this is simple. but right here on my dbl recliner I look up into the big maple tree and clearly see a Robins nest. So I get to sit here and see Robins feed their kids.
There was a heron in MY pond! My puppies have really gotten into these stupid pink flip flops so I am chasing them all over,just simple stuff but it helps me heal.
Here is a question,"shelly what would help you heal? What is your passion?"
Continue to look forward Shelly. You didn't think you'd be where you are a year ago, and a year from now you will be looking back and saying the same thing. Only a year from now you'll be saying it completely differently. Maybe even wondering what it was you saw in him...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Shelly- I am so sorry you are hurting. I understand that pain - an aching emptiness. I would sit there and cry in huge choking, snot laced sobs - wailing almost. I would pray in these moments and try to imagine my HP holding me and stroking my hair because I would feel so alone. I would be so consumed by my sadness at times that I would just need to move my physical body to a meeting and just being the presence of people who knew how to find peace through AL-anon was comforting to me. I felt better when I was there, even if I never shared OR couldn't explain it.
Oh Sweet Shelly. I feel your pain very much. I just moved out of my A bf's house 2 weeks ago tomorrow. It feels like 2 years. We were together 16 years, he was the love of my life, and we were planning our retirement (I thought). I've worked for him in his company the whole time we've been together also, so I'm not only trying to figure out how to deal with the split but my employment too. My emotions have been to every extreme imaginable, just like yours. I've posted here twice (I'm new to the message board. What a life saver!!), and found the comments to be oh so helpful in my minute by minute struggle to maintain some sort of sanity. This is very hard stuff. I don't know how long you were together with your bf and I'm not sure it matters. A broken heart is still a broken heart. I'm very fortunate to have a strong relationship with my HP, which I call God, and a huge support system in place. I realized about a year ago that regardless of what happened between the ex-bf and myself I needed friends and support. So I started going to church, reaching out to other women, went back to counseling, spent more time with my equine friends down the street (horses are my passion and soul), and I found Alanon in January of this year. Shortly after I found f2f meetings I found MIP and began online meetings. I keep coming to the MIP meetings, f2f and talking to my sponsor and support system. I pray A LOT, many, many times a day. Just seeking God's will for me and the strength to carry that out. He hasn't let me down so far and I doubt that He will. I try to allow my feelings to happen, whatever they are. I surround myself with people who are supportive and allow me to feel. These people have taken me into their homes and extended their loving arms to me (ex-bf's got the majority of the retrirement money and assets in his name). I'm very fortunate. So I allow others to help me, like I would them (very difficult for me to do), and take care of me right now. I know that God has a plan and this is part of His plan for me. That gives me comfort as I trust that He knows what's best for me and will be with me the whole way to guide me in His direction. Hang in there Sweet Shelly. You'll be ok and I know it hurts. Nobody can take that away from you or fix it and I don' think that would be doing you a service if they could. This is all a part of your plan that God has for you. Reach out and grab a hold of your HP's hand and let Him help you handle this. HP's bigger than what you're going through. I'll be thinking about you and praying for your healing, strength, and courage. Take care.
Redfred
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You can't move forward while you're looking backward
Shelly, it feels like one step forward 2 steps back sometimes but thats ok, just let your feelings happen, the best thing Ive learned is not to fight them..and don't feel bad for having them, they will start to get less when you dont have to face 'drama' every day..it has really helped me as you know, to not have any contact. Sometimes I feel more peaceful than I have for years, after just 5 months, but I know I would hurt again if I found out things about what he is doing, so I dont look for that information, dont take his continued calls and look after myself. Like everyone says, its the disease that causes all this, not us, I try to remember that when I think of or hear something new about what he has said in the past about me..yes people still do keep giving me snippets, latest being that he couldnt stand to be in the house with me, lovely!!! It helps me detach though, I dont deserve that and nor do you...(hugs) Lillyx
It's okay to feel what you are feeling. In many ways you are in mourning, very much like I am in mourning. While my beloved Tim passed away, your loss is no less significant. The end of any relationship can be devastating. So go ahead and mourn it. It'll take time to heal. Just like mine will. There will be good days and there will be bad days. At some point the good days start to out number the bad days.
Christy is right, try to look forward not backwards. The one thing you have on your side is the fact you can look back on the chaos. Remember those worst days and be thankful you are not there any more. Enjoy the serenity. Enjoy all that lies ahead. There's lots to be thankful for. And when the bad days come, go ahead and cry you heart out. Soak that pillow. Then get up and smile and realize that's one more bad day behind you. The better days do follow. I can promise you that. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
