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Hello, I'm new here. I'm new to all of this in fact. I've only been to one meeting a few weeks ago to see if it "made sense" to me. Unfortunately I am finding that it did.
So here my question. I heard about Detachment and I have tried to read about it some on the web. I've been reading the some of the posts here as well.
It sounds like for many people it involves removing themselves from a situation with an alcoholic when the alcoholic is drinking.
My problem is that sometimes my husband drinks, and sometimes he doesn't. I don't really want to be around him when he is drinking alot. I think this is where detachment comes in. But sometimes it is not obvious to me whether he has been drinking or not. So I find myself obsessing over trying to figure out if he has been drinking? I find myself counting how many drinks are in the fridge, look in the recycling bin, look in the trash, try to smell his breath, trying to figure out where he might be hiding drinks. I know I need to stop doing that but it is really hard to stop because I am trying to determine whether I want to hang out with him at that point or not.
At what point do you detach? When do you walk away to go do something else? Do you sit there with them while they are drinking if they aren't particularly doing anything else bothersome? Do you immediately get up if they drink one beer?
I know detachment is a very complex concept. I am trying to take in alot right now, but any help on this concept would really be helpful because I am struggling with what to do.
Hi Eve, Welcome. Several threads down, on "What is Detachment?" Abbyal copied from the AlAnon pamphlet, that you can get at the meetings, the most helpful information on Detachment. Detachment starts in Your mind, not in the wastebasket or the act of leaving. When you work on yourself, you can actually detach no matter what the AH is doing. Takes time, I'm sure, but there is a place to start. And read, read, read what the Wise Ones day. (and they will tell you to get to the meetings, work the steps, get a sponsor, but I don't want to spoil the effect of their words.) They know what they are talking about, because they have seen it all, heard it all, lived through most of it and are on the other side now, in peace. And they are all still working the program. That is where it starts. As I realized the other day. Working the program is terminal. It gives life and health, not death, but to get where they are one keeps doing it, just as one keeps breathing. Even when things seem okay. We can all relate to your pain. Glad you are here. Keep coming. Keep posring.
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hi... I don't think that line is ever very clearly defined, as it is unique to both individuals and circumstances.... I'll re-post below, a posting from Toby Rice Drews, which I put on the board in 2008.... it helped me understand roughly where that "line" should/could be....
Hope that helps Tom
Enabling vs. Detachment
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Hi all... we've had lots of great discussion on the board in recent weeks about the subjects of "enabling" and "detachment", so I thought I'd post some great information about both of these items, direct from an expert in the field..... Hope it clarifies some of the misconceptions out there....
Take care,
Tom
p.s. for those of you struggling with a child having addictions, I see that Toby has now written a book specifically aimed for you, entitled "Getting Your Children Sober". If it's anything like her original series, it's likely a valuable book for your recovery.....
The following is posted, with authorization, from Toby Rice Drews, author of the "Getting Them Sober" books on recovery.
In one of the chapters of the book, "Getting Your Children Sober", I wrote about the myths that most counselors believe, that lead them to mis-diagnose and be off-base in the treatment of the families of alcoholics that they have as patients.
Here, I"ve copied and pasted part of that chapter that deals with the myths that therapists often believe, when they are counseling the family where there is alcoholism/addiction---------- (to read several of the chapters from that and three other books, go to the section of this website called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters. If you don't have children or if they don't have problems with addiction/alcoholism, and if you are only dealing with adults with those problems, these chapters will still help you.)
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are enablers, it leads them to stop the enabling."
Enabling is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he cant stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he cleans up the alcoholics messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alcoholic doesnt suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detachment cant be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing got them drunk. In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, I wouldnt have gone out that time if I hadnt been enabled!
The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment. For, detachment will help end your fears and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse? The general process goes something like this:
1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.
2) Much of the games stop then, because the alcoholic child knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.
3) By continuing to focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (detachment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them. You begin to see how you gave the alcoholic so much of his or her power. You can take it back!
4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.
5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are beginning to end.
6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your preoccupation was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. Theyve already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house to not beg.
7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. Theyve lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.
The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.
9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.
10) You are free.
When I teach parents the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease to detach, and therefore stop their rescuing because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics. All of us stop manipulating and controlling people when we lose our fears of them.
* * *
As a therapist, I try to let parents know that I will gently help them along the not-straight road toward freedom from their fears. I let them know that they do not have to meet a timetable. In fact, I let them know that I am aware that I do not walk in their shoes, that they must be comfortable to make even a small step; that what I will do is love and accept them, even when they vacillate in their ability to detach from the disease.
I let the parents know that I know they will be ready some day. I try to give them the same hope that Al-Anon holds out that my acceptance of them will be part of the healing and will help move them along toward health and the choices that they now can only dream of.
And then, gently, naturally, interventions do happen, because with one hand I provide the healing embrace and comfort of total acceptance and without pressure; while with the other hand, I hold up the mirror of reality and nudge them along ever so gently toward reality.
P.S.------ People sometimes ask me, "well, if he is never home, and if he is supposed to pay my cable tv bill, I am the one who feels deprived, not him, if I don't rescue and pay the bill".
What I reply is, "We all have to use our God-given common sense. There are no totally-black-and-white answers. When alcoholism counselors say, "don't rescue'-----they do not mean that one should NEVER rescue. OF COURSE if you see an alcoholic who has fallen down in the street and is bleeding, you call an ambulance! That is just using your common sense. But what we encounter daily, are the non-life-threatening issues that we need to learn to deal with----------again, in a common-sense way--------
a. if he runs up a bar bill, we often say, "don't pay it for him" b. If he needs his golf course bill paid---------and if he takes clients there who pay him well and that income pays your child's tuition and your mortgage------ then it's often better to pay it! c. if he is supposed to pay the utilities and he does not-------it's often best to pay them so that you have electricity! d. if he is violent-------OF COURSE you FIRST AND LAST------ do or do-not-do what is best, to protect yourself and your children. e. if you are terrified to lose him---------that he would leave if you didn't rescue his bills------- then you must do what YOU want to do------
As one of my chapter titles in my books says, "no one has the right to tell you to leave the alcoholic---------not even your counselor".
We all have the right to heal in our own time, in our own way.
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.