The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems odd to me to be writing this post so quickly after my last one that was soooooo different than this one's going to be. But please bear with me, again.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, or if you were able to get the gist, but I have a good and close relationship with my HP, which I call God. Some of you mentioned in your comments on my last post about me still working for my A bf that kicked me out of his house 10 days ago. I've been tollerating his mean nuances and digs at me during my brief (sometimes as long as a few hours) times at the office while he's there too. Things came to a head for me today and it's very clear to me that it's time for me to move on to a different employer. Because of my relationship with God and tons of prayer, I've been able to keep my mouth in tact during his verbal assaults. I was closer than ever to saying something back to him today when he renigged on a verbal agreement, well two of them, that amounted to a pretty insignificant amount of money. I began to think about what he's going to do about an agreement we have over a more significant amount of money. I was able to get my things packed up and get out of the office before I purged my feelings onto him about his renigging. I spent a good 2 hours VERY upset and in chaos in my head, trying to pray, but soooooooo mad I couldn't even see straight. On a side note that's quite important to this situation, this business that he owns and I work for is a mortgage business. There happens to be a random state audit scheduled for Friday morning that I've been preparing for all week. This audit is extremely critical for him to "pass" in order to stay in business and avoid state mandated fines for non-compliance, etc. My ex-bf has no clue as to how to prepare for this audit, so he needs me to finish it. However, after seeing his actions today of being so willing to renig on a small verbal agreeement, I don't see anything keeping him from letting me get him through this audit then firing me after I'm done. On one hand that would be just fine since I don't think it's in my best interest to work under those conditions anymore. On the other hand there's nothing in writing, no contract, defining what I should get paid extra for all the work of putting the audit together for his business (there's a lot that I can do remotely that doesn't require me to be at the office). So, here's where I need your prayers and input....after I was so chaotic and crazy in my head earlier this afternoon I realized, through the help of some friends, that what was making me so crazy was that I had given all control back to him by working for him without a contract. Once I realized what was going on I began to calm down and peace started flowing in again and I could think straight again. I know now that I can't work for him much longer. I'm willing to help him get through the audit but my thought is to prepare a contract, with a dollar figure for the work I've done for the audit, get half up front and the balance after the audit. To date he's not been willing to sign anything regarding the terms of my employment and wants to pay a portion of my meager wages out of pocket (avoiding payroll taxes, etc.). Please understand that it is not my goal to leave him stranded with this audit or to hurt him. My goal is to simply protect myself like I havent' done in the past. I've checked with the families I'm living with and everyone's in agreement that I have a place to live for as long as it takes me to get back on my feet. So my plan is to offer to prepare a business contract, have both of us sign it, and continue preparing for the audit and see it to fruition Friday. It's imperative that I keep my emotions out of this and remember that this is a business transaction.
Please, I welcome input and prayer. Please pray for clarity and wisdom and strength to do God's will. Thank you all for your support during this very challenging time.
-- Edited by redfred on Thursday 25th of June 2009 12:41:23 AM
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You can't move forward while you're looking backward
YESSSSSSSS FAIR PAY FOR HONEST WORK DONE , HALF UP FRONT , THE REST WHEN DONE . SEEMS FAIR TO ME . It is obvious that he has no intention of honoring your 16 yrs together as a couple , giving u half of what u helped him accumulate , we have talked before about this red and i still feel the same way , u earned it . So now it's time to look after you . No more verbal agreements for you . goodluck Louise
YESSSSSSSS FAIR PAY FOR HONEST WORK DONE , HALF UP FRONT , THE REST WHEN DONE . SEEMS FAIR TO ME . It is obvious that he has no intention of honoring your 16 yrs together as a couple , giving u half of what u helped him accumulate , we have talked before about this red and i still feel the same way , u earned it . So now it's time to look after you . No more verbal agreements for you . goodluck Louise
Thank you so much for your input. I remember talking about it before and that's part of what's led me to get here now.....knowing that I've been thinking about it for so long. It's not just a whim for sure. Thanks again Louise.
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You can't move forward while you're looking backward
Plus what he is doing is illegal paying under the table.
If you wanted to report him, he would have to pay all the taxes he owes for you, saif, unemployment insurance, Social Security and more.
A gal I knew worked this at a feed store. An older farmer hit reverse instead of drive, mashed her into the wall. She lived but she is in no way the same person.
What a mess for the owner of the feed store.
Not you being vindictive. It is one thing to work for your sig other and have this kind of relationship.
But he chose to not have one with you so you are now his employee. Hey it was his choice. You are acting like a very good employee too btw.
So as an employee I want this much wage, and have a contract is just good business.
NO emotions. Again,A it was not my choice to become an employee but was made one, so this is what needs to happen.
I am very proud of you. YOU will be ok and GREAT actually. You are on your MIP path, it can only lead to better.
I heard an expression once in Alanon that has always stuck with me. It had to do with our tendency toward denial of the truth, facts and what we deserve. "Working the program helps me to replace the wishbone with a backbone." I also like, "Never makes someone your priority and allow yourself to be their option." The third one I like is..."What are you getting out of it?"
These sayings help me with my own seperation and divorce issues from my AH. "Working the program helps me to replace the wishbone with a backbone." This reminds me that even though my A has emailed me twice this morning I don't have to respond to it. I don't have to go back into "wishing" that he were a sane, reasonable man, when he is not. I need to replace it with "backbone" and say what I mean and mean what I say, without saying it mean, when it comes to my boundaries with this man.
"Never makes someone your priority and allow yourself to be their option." That's what my alcoholic would llike me to do. Bend over backwards to answer his silly questions, "Is your garage door fixed" , "What is the weather doing in town?" all superfulous questions to a superficial end. I emailed him this morning that I was tired of his superficial emails and that we needed to proceed with this divorce, because there was no trust left in the relationship. It will be intersting to see if he makes me his "option" when I've stated definitely that he is not my priority anymore.
"What are you getting out of it?" What am I getting out of MY relationship. Heartache, lies, distrust, accusations, controlling behaviors, game playing, dishonesty, manipulation, close-mindedness, lack of faith in me, darkness and despair. Now if I ask myself, "Do I want to live like this?" the answer is no. So I have only one option left. To proceed with the divorce.
I know these are things you've probably already worked through, but I wanted to share some of my e, s, & h, that I have pulled through this and you will too. Hang in there redfred, we'll make it together!
Love and peace, Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 25th of June 2009 10:45:36 AM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
So my plan is to offer to prepare a business contract, have both of us sign it, and continue preparing for the audit and see it to fruition Friday.
I would not "offer" to prepare a contract. I would prepare it and have it in hand. If you "offer" to prepare a contract you open yourself up to argument.
I would also have a Plan B along with the prepared contract. State your terms and if they aren't met then follow through with your Plan B.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
No one but no one breaks up and it is all clean and direct and tied up in one day. Stop being so hard on yourself.
I don't know how many times people told me what I should do and ought to do and I am so glad I have a sponsor who never shoulds me. Suggestions yes, shoulds no.
One day at a time, one step at a time. Of course it is icky and sticky right now. How could it be any other way. All the more reason to take the best possible care of yourself now.
Keep posting, keep looking for good support and above all be as nice to yourself as you can.
