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ughh... is it possible to actually be in love with an A? I pray about this quite often. I feel so much resentment towards my AH that I don't see how I could ever truly and unconditionally love him as long as he stays this way. My resentment is really bad. I'm so bitter deep inside at him.
I may sound so cold as I say this, but just know that I am truly a very loving person. I don't understand why some just don't leave their A's? I am at the point where I don't feel like I owe him anything, I feel as though he's taken enough from me and I have no more to give him. When it comes to him I feel like a shell of a person- dead. At the moment I am staying in my marriage not to see him or help him hopefully get better, but because I can't put my kids through a divorce or separation. They would not understand because to them they see nothing wrong, literally. Well, I know my 12 year old must think it's odd he's drinks so many beers at night. AND- I don't think he will ever quit drinking, and one day I have a feeling he's going to be sick from all of his drinking and if we were to divorce, there would be a possiblity our kids would have to take care of him, and I cannot put them through that. 8 years ago, my real Dad (not step dad, whom I call Dad too) was robbed and hit in the head. He had to have massive brain surgery and had a 20% chance of living. His recovery fell on mine and my brother's shoulders- Dad was in a hospital for a year and a half. My paren'ts divorced when I was 3. So, you see, I can't take the chance that possibly one day they would have to take care of their Dad because of liver failure or something.
That's how I felt when I first came here. My life was unmanageable. Just keep coming back and learn to separate him from the disease. I left my A recently, but I still love him. I just know that I can't have a relationship with him any longer for my own good. I am in recovery and he choses to drink. I had to mind my own business, set boundaries, stop worrying about him and THINK of my motives before reacting to things he did or said.
Just keep coming back, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps. It was all hard for me to understand at first. But one day at a time I started to get the hang of it.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
melissa- I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that they don't choose to live like they do, that they cant help it because ti's a disease. I have so many addicts in my life that I am so sick of dealing with all of the excuses- I mean REALLY! And I do understand why we go through the 12 steps, but how does one get past the bitterness? I am burned out. And after all I have read on here, why oh why put up with half of it? I know that the steps help get ya past the bitterness, but why do I hear some say to detach lovingly? What's wrong with just saing I'm not putting up with it anymor!!! Get out!!! I deserve better!! I am slowly learning how it works- it just gets confusing from time to time for me, I feel as thgough I am on a rollercoaster- one min. I'll feel one way adn then the next another! And I am sorry if I say one thing here and another thing somewhere else- I am an open book and really am confused by what I really feel other than the fact I know my life isn't working now and cannot go on like this or I will totally and completerly lose myself.
I stayed in my marriage for my sons too , and a few other very selfish reasons I am not proud of , but after comming to this program lots of f2f meetings I learned to BLOOM WHERE I WAS PLANTED . Get happy regardless of what he is doing our kids deserved one sane parent , and please don't kid yourself Your kids know alot more than u think they do andsince we don't talk about IT we think we are protecting them . Wrong . I hope u are attending f2f meetings for yourself , you need support and this board is just not enough , u miss so much of what this program can give you by not attending f2f meetings . Do it for you and your kids . and your absolutley right this disease makes it very hard to love them , but somehow we do . we don't hate them we just want things to change . so let it begin with you , you are after all the only one u have any control over . the anger and resentment will slowly dissapear and u will learn to be happy regardless of what he is doing . like it or not we have a part in this mess too , we allowed unexceptable behaior for so long to them its normal . we taught them how to treat us . You will learn to set boundaries here and life will get alot easier . Leaving your marriage at this point will not fix a thing u take all this anger and resentment with you and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger til it consumes you. Join the program learn how to change your life , then make your decission about what to do with your life . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 25th of June 2009 01:55:03 AM
(((((( beacheemom ))))) Give yourself a break to feel, deal, heal. It appears u have a lot of unresolved emotions - pain & anger - that has built up into a pile of resentments & u say u are now bitter.
Take it from one who has tried to runaway many many times... your problems that you are having are your experience - if u go somewhere else, they will still be there. And they wont go anywhere until you go back into that source of pain, stir it up, go back to feeling it right where u left it off - experience the feeling, walk through it - then u will be able to put it into perspective, & get passed it. We try so hard to push stuff under the rug & not deal with it but the stuff is there, festering. It's why u hear of people saying, "i dont know what happened, I just lost it" - it will come out sideways & that can be humiliating/embarrassing.
"Bloom where you are planted" is an awesome statement. It is vital for us to improve our situations AND if u can do it with an active AH - living together - just think, u will really get it & always have it.
Let og of hte idea of detachment - it is pretty advanced -- focus on YOU now, get to your feelings & the unresolved feelings & work on that first. I know for me, I had to forgive myself a lot for what I was going though. It's ok, we need to forgive ourselves. It is a huge part of healing this junk.
I agree with abby too that kids absolutely know what is going on... they feel the stuff. Just because they cant come to you & articulate it doesnt mean they arent aware. They are very aware. Plus kids talk at school & watch plenty of tv - alcohol & drugs are everywhere in our society. It is vital u talk to your kids about it - at least I would coming from a dysfunctional home myself - as a kid u idealize your parents, you try so hard to be just like them. I naturally wanted to do what my mom was doing. I smoked pot at a very early age and drank too. I would sneak it out of the liquor cabinet. She gave me alcohol at an early age. I got drunk the first time at seven years years old, for NYE. Woke up naked in the bath tub, my waist length hair caked with vomit.
She thought she would "teach me" &/or scare me "straight". Well, I was a little too young for that. I did learn how awful being drunk feels but it didnt stop me as a teen & a young adult.
My mom never talked to me about my virginity either - I wish she had told me it was a precious gift that got more sacred the longer I kept it.
Kids want to grow up, fast - usually. Talk to them. Get centered yourself. Get some healing under your belt and in time & work in program, what u should do will be obvious.
Work on seperating yourself from ur AH's feelings & issues. This was miraculous for me. I was so enmeshed, I was telepathically connected to my mother. I knew her moods miles away & I would 'be on the ride with her'. One day I decided I wanted to be autonomous emotionally, so I worked on it. Today I am. Today I can hear all her pain, chaos, crisis & I am removed from experiencing it with her. I am very supportive, understanding, compassionate but I'm not a slave to her feelings anymore - I can have my own. Early on in recoveryu, I couldnt even really listen to some of the stuff here - but because I do have emotional detachment today & "inner" boundaries - I am not affected personally anymore. I am "ok". And that feels like a miracle.
Be gentle with yourself... it is likely you are angry with yourself for what your going through or what u have gotten yourself into - I went through a ton of that. We are human & this is how we determine what we want. I used to try to force things just to excersize some power. Forcing situations never helps. I have learned to be patient & to go slowly. You dont have to make these sweeping decisions right now. Feel inside, so u can deal with it - so u can heal & let it go.
We didnt get this way over night - it was a process. So too will be healing from it all - it is a process & takes time. Be gentle & love yourself with kindness. We're all here for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wow, I have most of the same feelings you are having right now and boy do I understand. I am too stuck in this emotional rut of anger and resentment. I try everyday to focus on myself and do what this program teaches us and right now for me I feel like it is almost impossible. Up until recently I have not felt this bad and was able to focus more on me, I'm not sure what the trigger is for me right now, maybe because he is so depressed and unhappy and I know that is why I really need to focus on myself. It's a terrible state of mind to be in. I just keep trying that's all I can do. Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
You all are so right. I never thought that some of my choices could cause my bitterness and anger, but that is right on. I have been a doormat to my husband for so many years, I let him get away with so much crap esp. when we were first married- and I still do to this day. I am mad at myself for that- why didn't I see that earlier??? Thanks for pointing that out to me, now I know to work on that. And yes, I am a pro at pushing things under the rug and not dealing with them. Kitty- my heart ached when you talked about being 7 and getting drunk- my middle daughter is 6 and I can't even fathom that. Yes- alot of bad has happened in my life- but also alot of good. In high school my mom had a heart attack, nearly died, was told to stop smoking, but didn't. She became a recluse, would come home daily to a mom still in her gown smoking away. Now, she's still a recluse for the most part, still smokes, is hooked on pain pills- again with alot of promises that are broken. My real dad after all he went thhrough that was mentioned above was arrested about a month ago because of possesion of meth. So, I do see now how I have to deal with me. Oh wow- I just had a feeling of relief as I said that. I don't have to try and fix anybody else- their choices are theirs just like mine are my own. I can only let those things get to me if I let them. Thank you all for listening and opening my eyes. I wish I had words of wisdom for others on here, but I guess that takes time as well!
And Kitty- I am so with you on the virginity thing- I wish the same thing but my mom never explained it to me. So, with my 12 year old I taught her just recently that it is a gift from our heavenly father and it is meant to be saved for marriage not before. I taught her the feelings that come with not saving yourself and the feelings that pop up later in life from not waiting. I was so glad I had the talk with her, that I was able to tell her God never intended on it being a bad thing or shameful thing, it's meant to be shared between a husband and a wife. She made me laugh though and said she knew a little about it already, and she believes in a rule that she made for herself- it's called THE PURPLE RULE: boys are blue and girls are pink put them together and ya get purple. And I don't want any PURPLE!!!!! Gotta love that!
I am also bitter and angry (working on it...) and knowing I have allowed a lot of things in my marriage that I should not have. I know now that it was an unhealthy thing to do. I was trying to fit myself to suit my husbands needs, and he was very good at manipulating me. It occurs to me now that my part in my current unhappiness was a result of immaturity, and at one point in our marriage, I did leave, knowing it was not working, and that things needed to change. I succumbed to pressure to "keep the family together for the kids" and reunited. I don't think I can honestly say I have been happy with this decision. But I thought, at the time, it was best for the kids to have a solid family base. This was not sound thinking.
Things did not really change. My husband is acoa and now attending al-anon, although he is kind of skewing the program a bit. He very much believes that his recovery should be the primary priority not only for him, but for everyone....and it is getting hard on the kids to be constantly told they don't think correctly. I am hoping he continues to work the program to understand its intent better. He is still trying to change everyone around him, not himself.
I am working on me, and I understand how hard it is for you to let go of your anger and bitterness. I haven't been able to do so yet. Sometimes, it feels like my only handhold on my sanity and individuality. As long as I can feel the anger, I know that I am still fighting for myself. I know this is not healthy.
I can only give you my perspective and empathy. I know my kids are not stupid. I know they feel the tension. I know they are sad and confused. I know they are hurting. I know I need to be strong and provide a good example. At least here, I know other people have made a lot of progress towards health, and I come here to get insight and support. I am new, but this is a safe place to have feelings.
oh yes, when I realized that I could fix me & I could change & grow & appreciate my own hard work instead of beating my head in the wall trying to save the family - I was relieved too.
Get a copy of the book: 12 steps for adult children if will help u work al-anon with special attention to ur acoa issues. It helped me immensely. U can see a copy of it at the bottom of the board page (with the blocks on it). I got mine new at a regular bookstore for $11. worth every penny as it helped me unravel my guilt ridden emotions.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
staying for the "sake of the kids" is a myth.....seeing that (drinking) each day damaged them...it damaged them to see thier mother being "eaten alive" by this psychic vampire.....
what do YOU want??? do you want to stay??? do you want to leave???? those young ones need a good example...
I am "pro leaving" if they refuse to get help and continue to do harm to their spouse and especially the children.....I left my 2 alkies and have never looked back...they sucked the life out of me....it was all about them, and never MY needs being met....i just got sick of it and decided to drag myself into recovery and find out WHY, WHAT was it that i hated myself so much to allow this in my life...that i did not deserve better??? was this all i thought of me???? did i not realize that i deserved better????
workign the steps, meetings, sponsor work, boards, literature, i FOUND out my "why's and my how come's"......and i rooted out and FELT the feelings over those old losses...old screwed up beliefs that this is all i deserved....NO WAY!!!
now??? i see a substance abuser or an otherwise TOXIC human being???? I RUN!!! I remove me from it.........and i STAY gone!!!!!
i deserve peace and trust and MUTUAL sharing with another....INTER dependence , not someone "leeching" off me and sucking me up........if it is not a mutual blessing???? then its sick...plain and simple.....
its up to you.....whatever you do---stay or go---please work YOUR program.....i would grab a sponsor, get out the steps.....and WORK IT.....inner bonding work........family of origin pain work to see HOW you "grew" these sick patterns of remaining in a "no fruit bearing" relationship......non recovery substance abusers are like a branch that has fallen from the main vine.....it cannot produce any good fruit b/c it has separated it self from LIFE........
I left my AH with 3 kids. I have managed to survive almost 3 years now on my own. I didn't see the impact that his behavior AND my behavior had on them until recently. I am working really hard now ALL the time to try to undo lots of emotional damage that has been done and don't think they don't know what's going on. Kids know, they usually know more than we do because nobody pays attention when they're around, kind of like flies on the wall... I think setting an example for our children is THE MOST important thing we can do as parents and for me I look back and see what examples I set, I tolerated intolerable behavior, behavior I would NEVER want my daughter to tolerate from her husband, I tolerated verbal and emotional abuse and on some occasions they were hit and traumatized. I listened to lies and believed them - lies about my children and everything else. Things have gotten SO much better since leaving, I'm happier, the kids are happier but my girls have a SERIOUS distrust, dislike and poor relationships with men. I think I got out soon enough to save my son, I hope anyway. I never thought I would love again after leaving, I was so wrapped up in him, now I am in love with a great guy who is great to my kids and cherishes me. All I know is it does get better, it gets easier, I have personally grown and changed into an entirely different person, there is hope!
