The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I'm new to the board but have been in and out of alanon for about 15 years only taking and seriously working my program for the last year. I have been doing great, loving my program, growing within myself and rebuilding a relationship with my recovering AA boyfriend of 7 years. My A lives in a 1/2 way house about 1.5 hours from our home and has been clean for 6 months. He visits every other weekend. This past weekend I was dropped a bomb that has shocked me and numbed me with pain. He told me that he could not return home because he would drink and drug if he "goes out" again he will die this time... I beleive that! He said he plans to stay where he is long term and does not want me to wait for him; that as part of working his forth step he realizes the pain and damage he has caused me and must let me go to live the life I deserve to live. As part of his program, he told he must rely on gods will and not his will and that he is not clear of gods plan for him at this point. He told me he loves me... that he owes his life to me... and that he is the one losing, not me. I know this is best. I know I deserve a better life. I know that with the help of my program and working my steps, I will be ok. None the less, I am sad to the core. I so want to believe his words and just day by day rebuild my life. My head just keeps going to the nasty infidelties (when in his disease) as opposed to seeing the beauty of his honesty of his recovery. The idea that "he may" be 13th stepping completely robs me of my serenity and peace. I am angry, that once again life is on his terms and after living with his disease, he goes into recovery and now "he" is living a new life. I have practiced the "It's over-I'm dumping you speech for so many years and I'm the one that got dumped! I am angry that when I was ready to leave the relationship a year ago, that he begged me to stay promising to get clean and I did ... now he is sober... and here I am alone again much like I was alone when he was on his 3-5 day benders. I thought this was a good time for us, a time of recovery, self-growth and growth in our relationship. We were both committed to our program, ourselves and each other... I thought. I feel like I have taken 12 steps back in regards to the confidence and self-esteem I have mustered up over the last year after having none. My head takes me back to when I was an untreated alanon living in fear, obsessive thinking, self loathing, etc. My strength is that I keep "coming back." I have been going to alanon meetings and reading alanon literature non-stop since Sunday. I have been picking up that heavy, heavy phone in between sobs. I lost me sponsor about a month ago and yesterday called a woman to sponsor me and contiune working on those steps that keep me on track. My lonliness today is because she accepted... said she was going out of town but would call me yesterday afternoon to see where I was at in my program and never called. Not to sound like a victim, but those feelings of being/feeling abandoned twice in one week are looming very heavily. What I recognize in myself today is that even when given the break up news, I did not react. I responded (although in tears) with love, respect and honesty. I remember that my ultimate prayer for AA was answered... he did not die before finding recovery. I know that without Alanon, I would be a disaster; today I am only a mess. Thanks for letting me share, Pfunk
welcome to MIP. This forum is great, we also have a chat room with 24/7 chat & two daily meetings... so u can talk to others, live who will understand what you're going through. (Next meeting is at 9pm EST tonight).
None of us knows what the future holds... it is part of our universal human walk on this planet. You know u have the tools to use, u know we are powerless & must surrender. I am glad u reached out today... u will get the support you need.
I do understand your anger or pain that u have stayed committed to this thing being worked on by two willing partners. I also understand his fear that he may be unable to be supportive or commit to the relationship, even though he was committed. We have to accept reality & deal with what is being presented. It's really tough sometimes.
Focus on YOU, stay in today & the future will work itself out. Even if he was still "in it" with you, we still have to surrender to our powerlessness, detach from their behavior, MYOB & work our own programs. I'm sorry ur hurting right now.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
oh, pfunk. honey, i really feel for you. i'm going through a similar thing with my AHusband. after all the pain and suffering he has put me through for 5 years, he told me he wanted to leave. then he came back and said he wanted to work on it. then he said he didn't know why he said he wanted to work on it. then he said he wants to go to therapy because he does want to work on our relationship... and on and on. i don't know whether we're going to stay together past next week or even tomorrow. part of me really wants to, really wants to believe that he can achieve his recovery as i work mine and that the sun will shine and birds will sing again. and part of me wants to put my fist through a wall.
i'm trying to focus on the NOW, and myself. it's hard. i hate it. but it will be okay for me. and it will be okay for you. grieve, go to meetings, share, share, share, listen, listen, listen and get in touch with your HP. everything will be okay somehow. i firmly believe that for myself and everyone here.
I'm not sure if you go to AA meetings or not (some of them are open). Many men in early recovery (probably women too men alone don't have a problem with alcohol) set tremendous limits on their relationships. They look like they can walk away but anyone who has been around an alcoholic knows it is pretty hard to lose one. Of course you are devastated and feel unloved. I doubt very much it is a personal attack on you just the confused chaos of an early recovery addict. Have you read Getting them Sober. Toby has some very very specific suggestions on early sobriety that is to really bank on nothing for a year minimum.
I also don't doubt you feel the A put you through hell and you deserve happiness now. All the more reason to go all out to take care of yourself. Make a real effort to eat right, relax and spend time and energy on you. All the time, energy and support your lavished on him turn that spotlight on you.
Nothing is ever written in stone with an alcoholic in recovery or not. They live, eat and sleep chaos. This is just more chaos on his part. At some point he will have to learn how to live in the world where alcohol is everywhere. At some point he may get enough recovery to really appreciate you and know what you gave him. Right now isn't that time.
I applaud you for being in al anon and taking care of yourself. The harder you work the program the greater the joys. I hope you have a sponsor and will come here as often as you can.
Wow, thanks maresie and xter, you have given me some really good things to think about. You have reminded me that although sober, he is still an A. I have been working my step 1 again pretty hot and heavy and that is helping. I am blessed with a new sponsor that is keeping me on track and keeping me busy and keeping the focus on me. Thanks for your words.
