Today is a pretty good day. I am pondering where my life is going right now. My AH and I seem to be closer than we have been in years. He is still drinking but that's his business and not mine. He did go to an AA meeting the other day. Why? I am not exactly sure yet. Well, no, he did say it was because things were going so well for him at work and things seem to be settling down into positive things and he was thinking that this is the time it usually hits him to sabotage himself and screw everything up and lose all progress he's made. He is precisely correct too. I didn't pick up on it and he did. That to me was amazing. I didn't put too much acknowledgment into it though. Not drawing too much attention to what he had done. Mostly because I was more shocked and dumb founded than anything else. BUT, since then no more meetings, that I am aware of. I don't feel that it is my place to "check up" on him or motivate him to go. Not to mention I don't have the ability to do either one of those things. Motivation has to come from him and of course me checking up on him is useless. I have to keep track of myself and my feelings. That is enough for me, sometimes too much for me. But then I fall back on my slogans and get myself through overwhelming times that I have.

I have found a lake near our home and took him there for Father's Day. He was blown away. I had prepared food to cook on our grill and snacks and drinks and made a picnic out of it. We, the kids and I, gave him a fishing rod so he could fish. Which he had been talking about doing recently, he just needed a rod. He told us over and over again how happy he was and surprised. So tonight we are going back but just the 2 of us. We all had fun there that day. I am going to go back with my 15 year old during the day(s) and let him swim and I can sunbathe. How peaceful and relaxing is that going to be? I can't wait and the days are getting hotter and hotter. My son likes to lay around in the house and I don't think that is a good thing, he needs to get up and do something. He will probably see some friends there. I just think this new find is a God send, figuratively and actually. I really wish we could put our boat on this lake but the HP is too small for our boat. So tonight, after work we are going to go grill and fish together with no kids. I used to fear being alone with him, and not knowing how our relationship was really going to be without kids to "keep" us together. But I see now that my fears are unfounded and just fearing the unknown is what made me so nervous. We are spending more and more time alone as the kids are going off on their own. Our 15 year old only has 3 more years and then he plans to go off to college. Then it really is just ME and HIM.

I have noticed that he is drinking less, but that doesn't have to mean anything. I have to fight the urge to make that mean something when it really doesn't mean a thing. Now "quitting" would mean something to me. What it would mean I don't know exactly.  Only that he wouldn't be consuming alcohol. After that I just don't have a clue. Anybody else know what it would mean IF he did stop drinking? For me it would mean I needed my program more than ever before. That much I do know. For now, he drinks and I take care of myself. Wow! So I guess I just continue to do just that just for and just for now. I don't know what the near future holds and the far future so I am just going to stay here for now and that is good enough for me.

Yours in recovery,
wildthang86