The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post so please bear with me if I sound like a newcomer, 'cause I am. J
I've moved out of my A bf's house 10 days ago after a 16 year relationship and I'm somewhat lost. We've lived, played and worked together for over 1/3 of my life. After I started back to counseling in April 2008 to learn how to process my parents' deaths, I soon realized that my prince charming wasn't quite so charming. Then I came out of denial about his drinking problem and things got pretty uncomfortable between us. The long and the short of it is that on May 30th, 2009 he told me to get out. He had to tell me 2 more times before I actually moved, but I finally got the picture.
So here I am, living with my very gracious friends, still working for my A bf (for the time being), and not knowing what's next. The past 10 days are a blur and feel more line 10 years. I don't usually know what day it is but somehow Im functioning. My level of functioning is questionable, but nonetheless. I've managed to get things accomplished that need to get done, by the grace of God.
Here's where I need your help. I've never done something like this before. Of course, I've felt pain, and loss, but not like this. My emotions are ALL over the spectrum and very unpredictable. There's the added dimension of still working with my A bf too. Fortunately I don't have to share an office with him 8 hours a day, just for a few hours, if that. I'm learning to mind my own business, keep to myself and continually re-set my boundaries with him. I'm ok with the whole learning new stuff thing, and growing personally and all that. What I'm uncomfortable with is not knowing what to expect next. I know I'm not the first person that's gone through this and I know I wont be the last. But it's the first time for me and I'm looking for some insight from somebody who's been there and can offer some ES & H. I've been in Alanon for 6 months and have a sponsor and were starting the 1st step, and I have experience in another 12 step program from 20 years ago.
Does anybody out there have some constructive input for me?
Thanks for your time.
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You can't move forward while you're looking backward
Not have any expectations of him and set boundaries. I try my best to mind my own business and not worry about him or what he is doing.
It's hard and I was only with him 3 years. It takes time. At first I was really up and down; it's like a roller coaster ride. You need to grieve. For awhile I was really angry and hurt and now I think it's just grieving, but I am still hurt in a way. Some days still I cry and somedays I am fine.
When I start to get sad or miss him I just think of the reasons why I did leave. And I don't think I was happy for some time I just kept making excuses and was in denial thinking some day it will get better. But with alcohol still in the picture I have no hope now that things will ever work out. And I am fine with that today. I know I need to continue Alanon (i have been here 6 months as well, but on step 3) and work on ME.
There is a lot I have neglected to do for myself in the past. And now after all this I can see how much work I need to do.
I have let go and let god. I can't help him any longer only his HP can help him so I try my best to leave it at that.
I think for today I am doing pretty good with this all thanks to Alanon! I have been testing for a job and will now the results tomorrow morning! And I will take things from there. I am goign to let my HP guide me through the right path so I can lead a life filled with serenity.
Live and Let Live Keep it Simple One Day at a Time Let go and Let God
I think each day I try and remember those 4 tools especially the one day at a time. And of course Progress not Perfection! And recently I heard fake it till you make it.
Hugs to you!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Hello red , we have chatted a few times - now is the time for you to get your life back , become who u need to be , who u were meant to be . Your grieving what could have been should have been but isn't ,feel it and heal it . Your going to be okay , it may not feel like it right now but u will be oK. Is it possible for you to find another job ,working with him must be painful for you , letting go of the obsession is the hardest part of recovery , when we live for someone else we loose ourselves . Get to as many meetings as you can , get out of the house go for coffee if anyone in group goes after the meeting , your doing all the right things u have a sponsor and are starting the steps soon everything will be come clear . You deserve to be happy regardless of what he is doing . You cannot let this disease win , can't let it have another victim you have choices , you can do this .With or with out him u will learn to be happy again - that is one of the promises in our program . keep doing what your doing When all else fails try looking up .
YOUR GOING TO BE JUST FINE .
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 24th of June 2009 01:33:25 AM
do what you love whenever you can. follow your bliss. Be gentle and good to yourself. be loving to yourself. put yourself first. become the total princess of YOUR life. hugs, J.
"My emotions are ALL over the spectrum and very unpredictable." " I'm learning to mind my own business, keep to myself and continually re-set my boundaries with him. I'm ok with the whole learning new stuff thing, and growing personally and all that. What I'm uncomfortable with is not knowing what to expect next" -redfred
hey red, nice to see u at the Board! In response to this... just keep taking life odat or omat even - get into the presetn moment & let the future rest where it belongs - not in today. None of us knows what the future holds for us - so it's a "human walk" we all go through. Usually all I got from looking at the future too long was anxiety b/c we cant really do much about it - the future will always elude us. Let it go - focus on right NOW.
Work each day like you are doing... MYOB & continually refocusing on YOU & whatever it is that you can do today for you -- this is how I did it & how I soon after got detachment and stopped obsessing on others. You may feel bored or like a broken record but doing just what u are gave me freedom & life did get clear. Worry just take you out of today.
Being confused &/or "all over the place" emotionally is normal too. Allow ur feelings to simply come up, experience them but let them go. You are processing what is happening, be gentle with yourself & give it some time. Keep working the program & the steps. In time, u will gain clarity on what u should do next for you & your life. Keep hitting meetings & talking with sponsor. One day at a time, it will get better. You dont have to solve all of your problems today. Plus some of it is perceptual & by the time we get to tomorrow, some of the problems we perceived no longer exist. Take it slow. Feel, deal, heal. Right now ur feeling, it's ok. Keep at it & keep porcessing the emotions & youll be in dealing. For me, acceptance went a long way too. I did resist & fight reality quite a bit. I found struggling with life only caused much pain & grief. The steps u are taking now will end up empowering you, so hang in there & be sure u talk about & express those feelings.
When I need to get something accomplished, I write lists & break down the job into the smallest parts, so it is easy & clear for me to do. Then when I do a step in that process, I can enjoy an accomplishment that I am working towards that goal.
Hang in there & keep working it & know we are all here for you & in chat. Take care of YOU.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 24th of June 2009 06:53:46 AM
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 24th of June 2009 06:54:29 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Makes my gut ache for you! Been there big time too. NEVER want to be there again. Loss is so hard. I always say,besides your separation from Abf, the losses you are suffering are endless. Where is my tooth brush? My bed? etc. EVERYTHING is different.
Familiar is gone. You thankfully are involved in Al Anon. Makes you miles ahead.
Naps were what I had to do. Also I was given a Basset Hound Puppie who would and still five years later,comes to me whining,telling me it is naptime! He is my wound cover to this day. Sleeps in my arms.
This journey you are on is very, very taxing. Everyones responses are so right on. My experience was take care of the basics, food, shelter,income.Drank tons of water as stress robs you of hydration.
Sadly I went down 3 sizes as I could not eat plus about starved from being left with all the bills.
You know what you need to do as far as income etc. For me I had to keep as many things as I could the same for a bit.
For all we know, the transition may be easier to do the job you are.
You have us here, chat, chat room meetings and more. PM's are great.
I am so glad you are here. I tell ya the chat room saved my life. I left here in my mind and was there 100%.
Eat healthy, low fat, low sugar. Lots of fresth stuff and as close to nature as possible,naps, walk as exercise is major for stress.
Accept lots of hugs and take in that love! HUGS, debilyn who, if prodded would share Tavish with ya....well maybe.... (o:
RedFred, I am newer than you are so you could tell me more than I can tell you.
Just want to say I admire the way you have handled it. Came in here with 6 months of Al-Anon under your belt, and a sponsor. I haven't even made it to the Chat Room yet. Grins.
What a blessing that you had gotten that much help before the last 10 days.
A thought that struck me is, that if a person breaks up with a so-called "normal" person, it is probably a lot cleaner and clear-cut, than if one of the parties is addicted to a substance and the other one is "addicted" to him or her. Everything is confused, boundaries aren't there, it's more like trying to untangle a ball of entwined nerve endings than recovery after surgery, for example. Many an Al-Anon feels as if he hasn't even been living his own life, but that of the "Other."
Don't know if that helps, or if you can even understand what I think I meant. Just wanted to say a lot of confusion seems very understandable, and I hope you don't think there is something amiss with you because of it.
And from what I read here, it will get so much better, since you are working your program.
I look forward to reading more of your posts.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
First of all redfred, let me welcome you to the MIP message board! Glad to see you posted here. It's been of great help to me as well as the chat room and on-line meetings. I also go to a f2f meeting, have a sponsor and am working the steps, so we have that in common.
Secondly, I can say I have some e, s, & h on the subject of seperating from your loved one. I have been through 3 divorces and it looks like I'm heading into a 4th. One thing I want to say first is give yourself plenty of time to feel, deal, heal. Being with your bf for 16 years, and being asked to leave, is the same as grieving a divorce from a marriage, I believe. I went to a divorce recovery after my 3rd divorce and they said to give yourself 4 years for each year of marriage. I had been in that marrige for 12 years, so I should have given my self 3 years to heal. I didn't, and I have paid the price. The fourth marriage is failing.
I never could give myself enough time to heal from one relationship, before I got myself into another one. I have a relationship addiction. I am working on me now. Working my program in earnest and trying to detach from all alcoholics in my life.
Another thing I would like to share about grieving the loss of a relationship it's like grieving the loss of a death. There are 5 stages of grieving: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance We have to go through each of these steps and sometimes jump back and forth between the 4 first ones before we finally get to acceptance. I know I have been with this fourth divorce. I have experienced all the first 4 several times, jumping back and fourth and sometimes doing 2 or 3 at once! I think I have finally come to acceptance that this relationship is over.
Hope this post helped. Take what you like and leave the rest. Overcome (formerly Java)
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Feel the freedom, feel the release, feel you for the first time and be free to be YOU.
LIVE one moment at a time and savour that life. You matter, you are valued, you are wonderful, you are lovable, you are a person who has needs, has dreams, has a life.
One day at a time, broken down into manageable parts.
My heart is aching with you, however I know you will heal given time, love, caring and sharing.
This is the time to make that all important first step on the journey that is the rest of your life.
God grant you the serentiy to Change the things you can, The courage to accept the things you cannot, And the wisdom to know the difference.
Sent with (((((((((((((((((((((((((redfred)))))))))))))))))))))) Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
My AHsober left after 30 + years of marriage. Difficult at best. Take it One Day At A Time. You must take care of you. Make decisions for yourself - not what he dictates. Go to meetings. It does get better. Have a plan. Keep coming back.
