The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Adaughter called this morning. Her divorce has been final for 6 days exactly and her ex hubbie is already going back on his word as to what he would agree to do for her. Remember I offered to get an attorney for her and she said "Oh no. He is a good man and will not go back on his word".
Well, guess what? He already has. Daughter told me that she wants a drink in the worse sort of way. I asked her if she had a sponsor; I felt she should be having this discussion with sponsor. She dumps way too much on me!!! She told me that she talks to her ex sister in law. Her sister in law does not drink and never has. I told her she needs to talk to someone who has been down the same road she has been(and is going) down. It just kind of went over her head.
Tomorrow she has an appointment with an eye specialist due to the stroke she had and left her with 80% vision loss. Obviously she has no money and said she was going to cancel the appointment. What can I do about this??? It is imperative she get in to see this doctor.
I have had no experience with public assistance or anything like that. I have been fortunate(and smart) enough to have medical insurance. Obviously I think she needs to be seen by this specialist, but I cannot let her bankrupt me!!!! I am retired and we have a fixed income.
God, I have been a mess over this all day worried she will start to drink again(although she has no money for booze) and I am sooooooo worried over her health.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Aloha Clara...your suggestion that she talk with her/a sponsor is one best experience by yourself also. Our e-suggestions maybe very good at times and from my experience the face to face one on one sponsor-sponsee work is most valuable. Your more stable condition is not hers for certain but there are solutions if she calls the medical providers and asks them about her condition regarding payment or insurance. She is not without support if she goes to them directly...including a sponsor.
You can only guide and make suggestions to your children, and really you've done a lot for your daughter, I used to get really irritated when my family members seemed to listen and looked like they were going to follow instruction and then backed out and came to me with the resulting problems, I find now that I don't proffer the advice, am neglecting to fix all, as then they see things a little clearer than with me as they seem to go against anything I might have to offer, you are in my prayers and you take care of you, you did warn her with the husband but sometimes you just cannot tell people, they won't listen, is it too late for her to seek legal advice in relation to settlement if he reneges on things? I know here he would have to honour committments made and prove he was supporting her
Marie and Jerry--thanks for reply. I do have a sponsor and I do go to face to face meetings, on a regular basis. The meetings and reading my literature is a great help to me daily.
I think her going to an attorney at this stage, would be like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped. I will have to stop giving her advice because she never goes in the direction I suggest. When it is your child, a mom will always try. She will just have to learn from her mistakes.
Thanks again for the reply.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
There is nothing you can do that is constructive...yea, you can support her and go broke and thus she will not learn the lessons in life she needs to learn
or you can do what you did....tell her to speak to her sponsor or get one if she does not have one.....
Its tough, I can read your pain, but if she is ever to learn , she has to be free to reap what she is sowing in life....that is how we all learn...Even HP, loves us...confronts us w/our wrong doings and then if we don't learn from it, we suffer the consequences.......its the best way to love someone...
and yea, dumping on you is going to drag you down...I would set a "shelf life" on how long the "dumping sessions" last...like tell her when you start feeing "information overload" just say "i can't hear any more....sorry, i love you, but this is your life and i just can only hear so much"....that is what a sponsor is for....someone impartial, who can see the picture w/out emotional glasses clouding the issue....
yea, she made a mistake w/not getting attorney....i don't know if it is too late to get support from him or not....its up to her to pursue this....and if your on fixed income, she has to understand that you are limited.....maybe these hard lessons will bring her to the steps and especially steps 1,2,3......
I am sorry you are going though this....i have to set limits as to how much "information" i want to hear for MY peace....yea, I want to help, but not at the forfeiture of myself......
I don't know how bad her vision is, or how it will impact her ability to work. It is my experience that she may be eligible for disability and it may be only 50% or whatever.
The best thing to do is to "call Social Security NOW!!" If she is considered disabled or partial, they will go by the day you call.There is no obligation. But the importance of that call can mean thousands of dollars. Plus she may need medicare in the future.
Also she may be eligible for temporary ss disability. Worth checking.
Sadly being a single woman with no children there is little to nothing to help her.
You did the right thing putting it in her lap. PLEASE don't hurt you by messing up your finances. well let me put that differently.
My experience was,I was so thankful my mother did not give to her demise. I was a young widow the whole time I raised my two kids. She helped us so much. Not just with her "I care" packages but with support, love,and fun. I am so glad she did not give more than she should of. I could not have handled the guilt if she had.
We rob our children of our trust in them, our belief in them when we do too much. She can make it on her own, blind or not. I know I loved my mothers faith in me.
Just being able to call her and cry when I went back to college in my forties meant everything.
Well we can tell our kids things a million times but just like us, we have to learn for ourselves. We want to save them from the pain that is for sure. But they won't learn.
Good to be back Deb. I just needed a little time off for a few days. So, I am back, crazy and insecure as ever.
No, I cannot let daughter drain our money we have. We are on very fixed income and we manage fine in our little world. However, we planned for years to retire and so far it is the way we wanted it.
We did not plan on daughter's medical bills and I know Medical bills will bring a person down very fast.She must, must, must get a job and a sponsor. I cannot be her sponsor. I am not objective enough----lol.
Must get to bed. Very tired. Talk tomorrow.
Thanks for your post.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Being over involved with others particularly my ex A was a hallmark in my life. I'd still be overinvolved if I did not work this program as if my life depended on it. One reason I cannot be over involved anymore is I keep myself incredibly busy day in day out so I don't have time to talk on the phone that much.
The paradox for me was that I had to actually put all the effort, time consideration I gave to the people I was over involved with to me.
I did it one day at a time sometimes one second at a time.
