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I have to make this quick, but will back on later tonight. As stated, I feel so unsure about my husband's drinking. We have been married for 15 years, and have had some struggles, overcame most of them, but one seems like it will never go away and that is his drinking. His drink of choice is beer and has been since I have known him. I have begged, threatened to leave, cried, etc. I have done it all, and am finally smart about the idea that none of that works, so here I am. My husband is a gentle drinker, doesn't drive when he drinks, he drinks what I think is around 12 or so beers every night. We have 3 girls the oldest is 12, middle one is 6, and the youngest daughter is 8 months old. My guilt is that when he is drinking he is way more pleasant to be around, he's not aggravated so easily. The other problem is is that he has no drive at all to better our lives. He seems just content to come home and drink. I cannot get to an al- anon meeting because I live way out in the country, and most of all though, it's just my husband and I to take care of our girls, we have no outside help- besides the babysitter, but she's home by 5. We can't even make it to the city to have a day out with our girls without him ruining everything- he just gets so uneasy to be around that he ruins the day. He is never happy unless he is drinking. He seems very selfish, in that he has 2 cars, and a boat he just recently bought. We have needed an outside building to put our things in to store- to get them out of a spare room, but instead he buys a boat. I need a new car, that is safer. blah blah blah. here I go with the resentlment- and boy is there alot of it. I am ev en getting to the point I can't even stand to look at him some times. I am so tired of the excuses, I'm just tired period. He has made me feel like I can't go anywhere, like I will get into a wreck with our girls or something. He is so paranoid about things like that, I feel as though I am losing myself. I will be back on later, but I have to go right now. thanks in advance. oh and his dad is an alcoholic as well.
My heart goes out to you, ((((((((((((((((((beecheemom)))))))))))))) - (((())))) are cyberhugs and I lived and breathed on them when I first came here and still do.
So much of what you feel will have been [and is being] experienced by the members of this family.
The first thing that popped into my mind is this wonderful quote:
" You did not cause it, You cannot control it, and You cannot cure it. " The three 'C's'.
It is impossible to begin to remonstrate, to threaten, rant and rave with the A and expect to get anywhere. Their irrational selfishness is caused by their addiction, their addiction is the disease that the drink has infected their mind, body and soul with, and the cure is only in their control should they decide to fight it and work a programme.
You are affected by their addiction and your sanity relies on your responses and reactions to this situation.
This is where Al-anon and support groups like this family come into their own. Each member of this family is working a programme to change their responses, reactions, thinking, toward the disease and the loved one that is affecting and infecting their lives by their addiction.
Keep on coming back here if you are not able to go to meetings. If there is a chance for you to go to meetings then GO, and pick up the literature and read and share and know that this family will share and care and support and be alongside you in a way that no other could be for they have been/are where you are right now at some stage of their journey.
One day at a time, one step at a time. You will get through it, you are not alone, you will find a new strength that will relieve that tiredness that you feel. Slowly, gently, however most definitely as you learn to change the way you react and respond and find a way to channel your energy into your programme of recovery.
You did not get this tired overnight, and it will take more than one nights' sleep to refresh you, however step by step and breath by breath you will begin to build up strength to work your way through this draining tiredness you feel right now and realise a new way of channelling your energy so that you are not banging your head against a brick wall.
Gently, beecheemom, losing yourself [your old self as I see it] can only mean you will find the new self in you that will bring you through all of this.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I am new here, so probably not in the best place to offer advice, but you will soon get some. I can however totally relate to your pain, it's like I have nothing outside of home and all I have at home is this. And as soon as you are ready to leave you get that naughing thing in your head that says, I can't do it alone, or it can be worse, or maybe he will quit. There are so many things that keep you there and it is hard, very hard. Probably one of the hardest things you will ever go threw, but rest assured you will find the answers here, and can start healing. Good luck, P.S. drinking is more fun for them on a boat. don't know what it is about boats and drinking but I wouldn't get on it with him, that is a disaster waiting to happen
welcome to MIP & al-anon. You can get better & get to meetings via the computer - the chat group has 2 meetings everyday & 24/7 chat.
What you're describing sounds very typical of A behavior - the messed up priorities, being selfish, trying to manipulate/control your activities. It is a progressive family disease & it always gets worse. I hope u will seek out al-anon for yourself. Your kids deserve one sane parent & there is plenty of hope.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi beached. Book that helped me,"Getting Them Sober." Toby Rice Drews. Possibly some information would help you to understand the situation you are in.
The meetings here are great They are ran very well and people are very respectful of the rules so it is ran as if you were there physically. Plus afterward we get a chance to chat with others.
We sure know where you are at and how you feel. Our experiences will help you in so many ways.
The lonliness of being captured by the disease and the insanity of that being my daily diet led eventually to the Al-Anon Family Groups and the process of saving my life and sanity. You are in the right place with the right people. There are many experienced, strong and hopeful members here that will share their journeys with you. You are not alone at all if you can get here. Your situation is real and insanity is normal. You can relax and not have to fight it anymore. Sit down and read the members' shares. Scroll back in time and read the amazing changes they have made and the miracles they have had. That is my first suggestion if you cannot get to a face to face Al-Anon meeting in your area. Though the program is world wide and that widely attended there might not be a meeting that close to you yet the hotline number Al-Anon may be in the white pages of your telephone book. Look it up and copy the phone number help is here and on the other side of that phone number.
While you are here check out the other connections to literature, meetings, and the World Service Organization (WSO). There are millions who have been and are where you are right now and there is hope.
thank you so much to each of you; for taking the time to let me know I am not in this alone. Well, I guess all alcoholics are pretty much the same- in my first post I said that my husband has no drive or ambition. Which drives me crazy because I wasn't raised to be like that. It's so hard to figure him out. I have been so mad and resentful at him for the past 2 days( well acutally the last 15 ears but you know what I mean), it was sort of like a light bulb went off in my head, that said- NO! this isn't normal behavior. I looked around at some of my friends lives ( and I know their lives aren't perfect either) but I saw that they actually worked together on things and worked together to better their lives. I feel as though ours is just stuck in time, like it's going nowhere. He has made me feel afraid to even try to do anything on my own as far as betterment goes. I know if I was to try my thoughts or actions would just get knocked down-that is if they were my own idea. Funny thing is, tonight, he comes home and mentions a house for sale he saw, he said he thought it would be perfect for us- nice neighborhood, big back yard, close to the kids schools. He told me I would need to sell our house first- notice he said I would have to do it. So, I thought to myself- nope, he's not going to put this on my shoulders, because surely i know he will get mad at me for something. Besides- here's the real deal- this whole song and dance is nothing new to me- broken promises all the time. I am so sick of them. I told him please don't get my hopes up, just don't even mention to me about another house until you are ready to make the move. That he didn't like- he took offense to it. I know I am rambling- I'm sorry- I just finally found a pllace where I can get this all off of my chest. I know at some point I have to start taking responsibility for my actions, but for right now I just need to vent. Also- I can't believe how selfish he is- I mentioned earlier that he had a car, a truck, and a new boat. Both of the vehicles are fairly new- within 4 years. I am driving a van that is a 7 year old van- bought it last year because I could not afford a hefty car payment since I had just given birth. My car payment is 160.00 a month, his carpayments are 1100.00 a month. And I am driving our kids around daily. He knows my van isn't something I need to take long trips in, he told me it was fine for just staying around town. So, now I have this other reason that he doesn't like me going off very far. I feel like he is such a control freak, it is driving me crazy. I need to know how to respond to his actions and words- you see, he is very clever and before I know it he has me thinking everything is my fault or I am being riciculous even bringing things up. I suppose alot of A's are good at playing games- he only brought that house up for sale because he knows something has been up with me lately because I have been ignoring him a little. I feel as though lately the Lord has given me the strength to recognize his mind games- and geez he is really clever, I can see now how in the beginning I didnt notice things were odd. My mother has never really liked him, and my Dad has always referred to him as a "Dad of convienience." It's late and I know I am rambling...
A's are master manipulators ~ they've spent their life time's honing their ability to get there way & protect what they want to do. They spend years working over their enabler(s) & get u right where they want you. Blame & getting u to buy that it's all your fault, is par for the course. We have to learn how to stop falling for the manipulation. It is a lot like brainwashing & before u know it, u do think ur incapable of some of the smallest things. I know my esteem took a nose dive & I incorporated the fear into my daily life and genuinely doubted myself, as u are now.
I too would tell my exAH things & he always said my ideas were stupid or ridiculous. I had to learn to stop telling my plans & make moves on my own - for me.
They really dont like it when we change, they want to keep us dependent upon them (more control) and they want to keep using the way they are. All they care about is their next drink/drug.
Take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
yes exactly! I know what you mean when you say they don't like it when we do things on our own- he gets upset or annoyed at me when I do that. I have thought about that alot lately- that I need to start doing things more on my own. For instance- if I feel like taking the kids somewhere that's an hour away( the city) then I should just go and do it- I'm a respnsibile woman. Ahh... but see there I am stuck again. My van isn't what he thinks dependable- and he's the one that found it for me. What a coinsidence!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh, it's like a merryground- just like the play you told me to read. But, yes, I know that is one small leap I can take; to go on and live my own life with my beautiful girls. I truly want a better life for them. It pains me so much to see how they have to live, esp. compared to how I was raised. My AH even controls the thermostat in our house- it's 100 degrees out, and he insists it be kept on 78 degrees. Of course, as soon as he's gone for work, I turn it down. I know I need to jump on the band wagon and gain my confidence and attempt to get things done. There is so much I need to get done around our home, but he has control over our joint checking acct. I don't contribute mone to it, I have my own acct. for business reasons. So, since I am paying a nanny to come to our house and watch 3 girls this summer, I can't really afford much more than I already do. We need new flooring- another broken promise, I need a new car- broken promise, our yard needs to be done, etc. He says money is tight and he doesn't really have the extra at the moment- but everynight he walks in with about 15.00 dollars of beer and spends the money on snuff everyday. I just wish I had that extra money on myself daily- selfish and I am SICK OF IT. Is it normal to be this angry???
we have a meeting in the chat room in an hour - I'm already in there chatting now... come on in!
Your feelings are perfectly normal. We get side stepped & taken advantage of for so long, when we've had enough, we feel like we're going to explode. At least that's how it was for me. YANA You are not alone.
-- Edited by kitty on Tuesday 23rd of June 2009 07:13:42 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome this board has been an incredible resource for me. I used to come daily and now come a few times a week. Nevertheless I have made incredible progress since being here. There are meetings online here twice a day and I hope you will have the opportunity to attend them. Get any of the al anon literature you can and start looking at and working the tools. Things will get better no matter what is happening in your life. You ability to cope will be much much stronger.
