The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sponsor and I were talking, b4 we broke up and we discussed marriage and love......She had been married multiple times...I was a two time divorcee....We wondered WHAT really is the essence of happiness...Does a woman or man *have* to be married in order to feel whole?????
I used to think so.... I used to think that by myself, i was "half" a woman...
If a marraige is healthy it can sure be a good way to fight against lonliness...But if the marraige is unhealthy , it can be total suffering...
Having a "partner" that is dysfunctional and abusive or not emotional available, ties the suffer up, binds them down a lot of times unless they can reclaim the *separateness* that makes them their own free spirit...whether staying in the marriage or giving it up...They gotta *dump* the coda need for validation/verification/love outside of them...
happiness is not a question of married or not, but of our own self esteem. If we are recovering & reclaiming ourselves---our self esteem---, then we can find love, happiness & the face of God each day~married or not. I am as whole as any one else....I am whole b/c I was created whole....Being whole is a state of mind..What I think of myself...
It took me over 5 years of recovery to realize that my LOVE begins and ends WITHIN me....i was created in LOVE...i came here in LOVE...
somewhere i was abandoned abused and I lost all LOVE, or so i thought...it was hiding/ protecting itself, like nero when his city was falling all around him and hes in this cave hiding...
my love was covered under layers of pain/ grief/ rage/ distrust/ compulsive need to be in control out of fear....My fear , for a long time, over road my love...it surpassed it...i lived out of fear...hyper alert.....coda giving w/out any boundaries and w/out taking care of me first.....w/out checking my "motives" for giving........ *hoping* for a return of love and i got more disappointment and more layers of rage / resentment and grief...
this was not living..it was my body functioning, my brain doing work out side of me but my soul was comatose.....
the spirit of me...the untouched part of me was trying like a baby bird to "peck through" the layers of pain and rage and grief and fear and say "here I am....i am here, i am ok, come get me, let me see the sun again"...
i had to work in recovery for 5 plus years , but ya know??? after all the raging, crying, i am finding the real me.....oh she is still covered w/stuff i need to "sweep out" but she is there.....
i hope to come to the point where i can regulary live my love out of pure love w/NO expectations of a return, just for the pure love and joy out of it---w/out needing anything but the smile on my face, having been a blessing to another living thing....
i see it when i am helping animals and playing with kids....nothing is on my mind but making these precious creatures happy.........there is hope that i can love----- free----joyously------just for the "love of it".....
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Sunday 21st of June 2009 05:27:40 PM
Rosie, You are my heroine. I hope when I have been at this in earnest for five years that I am anywhere near approaching the peace and love and serenity you have. When you have it that together, it doesn't matter whether you are well married or single or what. I think everybody who has a pet or two is blessed and there are so many homeless pets that it is almost an obligation to anyone who can properly care for one and love it to pieces. Have a Blessed Day.
(((((((((Rosie)))))))))))
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
ah, rosie. i've got to get to where you are. and honestly, today i think i can! (i woke up this morning, said my serenity prayer and vowed that "just for today, i will love myself").
