The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father didn't like his father's day gift. It's a book called "Two Minutes to Glory: The Official History of the Kentucky Derby." He says he'll read it when "he gets around to it." When I come to visit him and "read it with him." What I'm feeling is what I felt when I painted him a picture (I think like 5 or 6 years ago) of dolphins and he didn't like it. He didn't tell me to my face, but he didn't like it, and he told everyone else, who eventually told me. I'm feeling rejected; angry that I had expectations; hurt; all those things. We put such high things on holidays, and I really thought Dad would like the book, I really did. And then.... So I don't know. I just need to tell you I've got that "eggggh" feeling in my stomach. That "Daaaaadddd..." feeling I just needed to tell you.
the prob. is his....NOT yours...............so many times I *absorbed* their miserable perceptions onto me, like a litte spongue................my inner child still feels kinda hurt when a loved one does not "validate" me, but I am getting away from that............the "approval junkie" in me is leaving........i saw it and how it came to me and it was the lack of nurturing and love and respect and cherishment I DESERVED and did not get in childhood................that little child, who gets still lonely and sad when feeling unappreciated comes out, but not nearly so bad......
i worked my program and learned that I can validate and approve of me and my Maker validates and approves of me and my support group and close, SAFE love ones in my life love and appreciate me
the real validation of me as a worth while human being must begin within me and from my HP..................that hole they left behind within my poor little soul has to be filled, now CAN be filled now with ME...and my God..........and my close inner circle .......and my support group, recovery mates......
so when i offer up a gift and it is out of my heart w/no *expectation* of a return, and its out of pure love and they dont appreciate it???? its their loss.............i am satisfied i did my best...................if it is out of pure love and not expecting any return, be it physical, emotional, mental, then i am not gonna care what they do w/it or what they feel...................it came from my heart.................
Yeah- maybe he's hoping you'll come by and spend more time with him? :)
You did your part right- there's nothing you can do about his.
(But I totally sympathise. Over and over I am wanting my Mom to be supportive. She's just not up for it most of the time, but I keep expecting it anyway and then getting hurt. She doesn't mean to be hurtful- she's just not capable a lot of the time, I don't think. )
Tiger, I know you know its exactly about capacity. They don't have it in 'em, just like gngrzy said. It has nothing to do with you. Its all about them. hugs, J.
-- Edited by Jean4444 on Sunday 21st of June 2009 11:39:28 AM
Im sorry u feel hurt, it sux I know. As adults we can validate our own feelings & realize we cant look to others did get what we need from within. Once we love ourselves, we no longer look to others to fulfill those needs for us, those gaping needs that are insatiable when we seek them from others.
QTIP ~ quit taking it personally
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I've both received and given gifts that have missed the target. I find gift giving to be stressful and difficult sometimes.
I know it is hard, but i've learned that there's no benefit to taking a less than gracious recipient personally. As said, that is their issue.
I've also learned after many lessons (finally)how to be gracious at receiving gifts. After many wasted emotions of "do they even KNOW me?" or "I cannot believe they thought I'd actually want this..." or the most self-destructive "...and all I got was this lousy..." Anymore, all I am is thankful to receive anything. Period.
For the gifts that I've never been quite fond of, I've always found people to give them to that were (or were at least gracious enuf to seem to be!)
It is nice that you got to spend some time with your Dad on Father's Day.
Is there a perfect gift for your dad? I kinda doubt it. Not because you don't know him; because he doesn't know HIMSELF. He hasn't got an honest relationship with HIMSELF. You could pick the absolute perfect he really WOULD like this (if he would be honest) gift - and you still wouldn't get that feedback.
Could you get that feedback another way? By feeding the dishonesty? Suppose (realm of fantasy here) you had a larger-than-life statue erected in the center of town, elaborately engraved with MY DAD - THE PERFECT FATHER - THE PERFECT MAN - on it. What would his reaction be? How would you feel about it? Proud? Or kinda sick? Or kinda both?
You are working really really hard to get healthier all the time. Your father isn't. There's bound to be a disconnect. Yes, it's really sad. But it would be even sadder to lose you both to the disease.
My mother downplayed many of the gifts I gave her. I felt incredibly hurt by that action. I understand them all now interlectually but the rejection was very hard for me to accept for a long long time.
