The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just so worried about my daughter and the choices she is making with guys.....She was with her daughters father they broke up because he did not treat her well....She finally listened to me.....
However, now she is with another guy, at first, he seemed to have it together now I am not so sure....I am just worried that she is grabbing on to these guys to try and replace the relationship she had with her dad....because for my daughter her dad was her go to person...she really and truly loved her father....she was his princess.....
I am proud of the choices she is making in her life, she is a good mom a good daughter a good friend, she has a wonderful soul.....
He is here all the time.....and I mean all the time, he goes home long enough to take a damn shower and is back.......I am grateful that she is starting college in August...this will give her some time to be on her own......I feel this is moving way to fast.......I have told her this...and of course, I get MOM.....
Anyway, this has been on my mind as of late.....I am trying my best to be here for her...I can't help but think my kids are forever damaged due to living with an A for so long....and the issues I had for awhile....I pray that they aren't....however how can they not be....my son has anger issues...he snaps at the drop of the hat.....
Oh Dear God, where did life go so damn wrong.....I was 26 when I got married, I lived my life to the fullest before marriage, all I wanted was a family. I did not plan on being a single mom in my 40's.
I am holding on to the hope that God as a grander plan for me that I just don't see. I am not trying to be on a pitty pot......I am just looking realistically at my life.....
I try hard to not look into the future.....sometimes that is impossible....don't get me wrong I am thankful for my kids and my g-child, however.....I sometimes just wonder why.
I hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometimes hope is a hard thing to have but i try.....
Keep coming back....That hope can be realized, but we have to work on ourselves...work thrugh all the past junk and be healed of it we need *transformation* to be able to "handle" our good....I felt the same way as you....I have hope b/c I go it one day at a time and try and plant good seed on my NOW
as to dauaghter, unless she gets into recovery and works through her grief over her dad and FEELS the loss, GRIEVES the loss she will stay "stuck" looking for him in all the wrong places....She has unresolved grief that only she can work through...patterns will keep repeating until all the unresolved issues of our pasts....anger, grief, boundary violations get RESOLVED...add to that all the unmet needs we suffered...ALL has to be resolved/worked out through identification....feeling/grieving....acceptance....AND choice, after that, to MOVE ON...to LET GO.....
You cannot do it for her.....all you can do is give her your feedback/ esh and let it go.....She is the one who has to "own" her losses and the feelings so that she can MOVE ON
I can very much relate to how you are feeling at the moment. When I learned that my 16 y.o son got his teen girlfriend pregnant, I thought "yet another example of how I messed up my son's life". I felt very responsible for the impact my choice to stick with my AH has had on my son's life. Still do.
In a way, my son is creating his own family. Not just the new son, but also a huge extended family on his girlfriend's side if the family. Obviously, it would be better if he worked a program himself, but I've learned this is in HP's hands. Not mine.
I'm laying here in bed with my little grandchild by my side. Truly phenominal feeling!
Some great news to share. My AH has found some strength within to get and stay sober for the last several weeks. This is his second attempt in as many months. His HP is working in him. I can see that and I'm very grateful.
We are all forever affected by the good and bad in our lives. Both the good and the bad create our character. I'm not sure the goal is to protect our children from the bad, but rather to be there for them to help them through to the other side of it where life's lessons are learned. Goodness. Did I just type that? This board and Al-Anon must be working!
I could have written your post. It's so hard to step aside and simply be there for them. My daughter (who is 20) is totally enmeshed with her bf, who is also ACOA. I think this guy truly loves her, but he has his own demons and has made some mistakes for which he is now paying. This kid was on probation and for whatever reason decided to quit making his visits with the PO. As a result, he was picked up last week and went directly to jail. My girl is devastated and the best thing I can do for her is simply listen and offer encouragement and essentially share my program with her.
It would be so easy to rescue her, yet in the end it would do her (and me) more harm than good. I see her doing many of the same things I did at her age. The difference is, she has a mom who is in recovery, I did not. I can only hope that she will seek recovery sooner than I did and not make many more of the same poor choices I did.
I love what Rocky said: "I'm not sure the goal is to protect our children from the bad, but rather to be there for them to help them through to the other side of it where life's lessons are learned." This rings so true to me and is just what I needed to hear today.
