I need help - Al-Anon Family Group

Rachel262612 · Member

I need help

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Rachel...You are not alone. There are lots of members here that understand
and have been in your shoes. If you run backwards into and thru the earlier posts
you will find your story repeated many times and you will also find solutions and
suggestions that really work for those affected by someone elses drinking.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that if not arrested by total abstinence will
result in insanity and death. There are solutions for him, programs and alternative
programs where he can seek help. If he is not ready; if he is not convinced that
he needs help and will do anything possible to arrest his disease that it will take
him piece by piece until there is nothing left. That doesn't mean that it shoud
take you and the girls also. It will if you do nothing about your part of it. You
do play a part and in the rooms of the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family
Groups that is where we find out what our part was and is and how to change
for us...us only. It gets better when we stop playing our part and often that
part is trying to help which results in things (the disease) getting worse for us
and for the alcoholic. That you have had an affair as a result of lonliness and of
revenge is making it worse for you.

If you go to the white pages of your local phone book you may find the hotline
number for Al-Anon and that will connect you to meetings and meeting times
in your area where you will find many others just like yourself and help. You
can also find meetings in your area by going to AFG.org or afgwso.org or the
home page of MIP (here). It takes courage to really go for help and you can
find support to do that as so many others have before you. I hope you go for
help for yourself.

(((((hugs))))) smile

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a progressive family disease and it always gets worse -- maybe in the last 8 yrs u have seen it plateau & get worse then plateau again. Clearly you need support. If uchoose to stay & he ever does get sober, that will be a bunch of more challenges as early reocvery is difficult. Please find loval al-anon meetings, go listen, share if u can, pick up all the pamphlets, read, study, go back to meetings & share. Sharing honestly is the only way to get to healing.

There is hope for you and u will learn how to stop focuisng on him & turn the attention inward & focus on you ~ you are all u can change or control. Learn some coping tools & work them, it can & will get better with effort from you.

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is the big problem, does anyone think this will ever stop or am I doomed to eight more years of this or more, does it get worse, does it get better. Should I leave? I don't want to hurt him, but what do I do. I don't know what else to do, and tears are coming up in my eyes as I write this. I am just so sad, I know he can't help it. But, why do I have to suffer, I have tried to leave so many times, and I never can. Even if I do leave, will he get visitation of our kids, will he be drinking and driving with them in the car, right now I have control, I can protect them, but what about later. My daughters love their dad and he loves them, more than anything, I can hurt everyone and be happy, or he can be happy and me miserable. Please any advice would be so great right now, I just really need a friend.

##### I would print out Jerry's and Kitty's posts and REALLY let the soak in......if he isn't in recovery and you don't drop him and pick up YOU and focus on YOU and YOUR program, Yea, you are "DOOMED....NO hope at all unless you realize that you are POWERLESS over him and cannot change him....PROGRAM for you is VITAL ......should you leave?????? only you can search your heart and know......if you stay, it is gonna be worse and worse if he does not stop drinking and get into program......not to mention the mental damage he is doing to those children.....You can only take care of you....grab a sponsor...grab as many 12 steps books on alanon and codependents that you can....and WORK THIS PROGRAM....not to save him, only he can save him, but to save YOU.....

GUARANTEED he will get worse, unless he gets into recovery and begins the REALLY rough ride of recovery

GUARANTEED you can get better IF IF you, RIGHT now make the commitment to yourself and those 2 children to drag yourself into program (al-anon) and begin restoration of you wiht the help of your higher power.....12 steps books...sponsor work....

There is no hope for you w/out you getting into al-anon...

I know, I was "there"...I ended up leaving b/c I discovered that I deserved a better life than this constant rollar coaster..........i wanted out......left......would never go back to an alkie or user of ANY substance ever again.....PROGRAM changed my life

Some of us stay
some of us go

but ALL of us made that decision as result of al-anon and all the work...butt breaking work on OURSELVES...

bottom line??? it is all about taking care of you...working on you....being responsible for you and letting HIM be responsible for him....if he gets busted for DUI???? so let him face the consequences....If he loses his job???? loses is friends??? ends up in hospital???? that is the consequences of his actions and MAYBE if you just take your hands off and let him hit bottom, he MAY get into a program and get help...

if the pain gets bad enough, we reach out for help, unless we just want to "end it" and drinking is a good way to "end it".....the booze will get worse and he will die if no AA recovery work

YOU cannot ...did not CAUSE his drinking
YOU cannot control his drinking
YOU cannot cure his drinking

all those 3 C's are HIS responsibility

the time now is for you to work your program and ascertain, WHAT is acceptable to you??? what is not???? and STAND to it

the affair??? I can totally understand...I nearly commited the offense myself....I was lonely, starved for affection....starved for decent treatment.....i met this guy at a dance hall and let him kiss me when he walked me and my girlfriend to our car....he wanted to date me....I said "not till I dump this alkie and start a new life".....He wanted to help me move...i did not want to start a relationship on those grounds......

but yea, I can relate....Dont beat you upover it.....even tho you are responsible for your actions, it is entirely understandable.....

if I knew then what I know now I never would have married my TWO alkies...the 2nd one was nice to me...just could not give up the 80 proof.....I told him i was not gonna watch him die....AA or I am gone.....he did not want recovery.....I was gone.....

take care....PLEASE get a sponsor....find a meet or come here for the meets.....get working on the 12 steps......your only hope is taking care of you........your children NEED you sane...not nuts from all this that he is doing.....

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ((((Rachel))))),

Please try and keep in mind that love has nothing absolutely nothing to do with this awful disease.

I use to call alcohol my husbands mistress because that is how I felt. Understand that there is not one thing you can do for him to stay or get sober. That is up to him alone, he has to take control and surrender himself....you can only help you....you have taken the first step by coming here....

I also understand the loneliness of being married to an A, it is very very lonely, they are there but they are not.

Remember where there is life there is hope. You can begin by changing you, the things you do....and your girls will follow your example....

Only you can decide which path to take, you must make this decision all on your own. I can tell you for me...I lived almost 20 yrs with an A. He would go to rehab and be clean for awhile and then the shoe would drop. I loved my husband, he loved me and he was a wonderful father. He is no longer with us, the disease took him. Keep in mind that some never get sober, they just can't beat this disease. You are in my prayers....keep coming....keep posting.

Andrea

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rachel,
Welcome and please consider what the Wise Ones say.
My experience, and I don't think it is typical at all, is this: I was married a long time ago, to an atypical alcholic, and there wasn't much information out there. And it took me 14 years to figure it out. And when I did, I had only one thing to go by. And that was that when I read Eric Berne's Games People Play, he had said that alcoholism was a three handed game, played by the alcoholic, the bartender and the wife and it was unwinnable.
So I told my husband (he was NOT the most wonderful person in the world to live with, drunk, very occasionally, or sober, so I know that helped) when he sobered up from the coma he had been in on the bathroom floor, very calmly and once, that I needed to know if he was going to continue to drink, because I needed to plan the rest of my life. No idea in the world how or what I would do, just knew you don't play that game. And he sobered up. Cold turkey.
Then we had years where things were great. Then he'd start going through Listerine like nothing, and I'd convince him that you don't have to drink--hooding alcohol in your mouth is the same thing. And times when he'd be in denial.
Finally my therapist said, leave and don't come back until he agrees to come and see me. It took 12 hours for him to realize I was gone, but he's an engineer and was just learning the personal computer. I digress. The therapist had him take the test, Notrhing to id. He'd been sober for years. But he had said yes to quesions like, "Have you ever blacked out?" So, he answered three yes, I think, and the therapist showed him in black and white )he's very visual) that these answers mean yes, you are an alcoholic. So then he agreed very reluctantly to go to AA. And the particular group he went to (selected because they didn't smoke--I'm allergic) had no idea in the world what to do with him. If he had crawled in, they'd have known right what to do. To be brief about some part of that, when his sponsor told him he wouldn't be able to keep a new job if he didn't go to 90 meetings in 90 days, AH knew that was not so, and he quit. However, he has never again said he is not an alcoholic.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

and has had no desire to drink for decades. (Has been a dry drunk for 30 years now). But we have times when for whatever reason he acts as if he is drinking--gets really mean and sarcastic, can't be reasoned with and it is eggshell time again. I was able to convince him at one point that if he drank a lot of fruit juice he got like he was drunk, by writing it down, "If you told me that when I eat whatever, I behave differently, I wouldn't just deny it, I would think you might be on to something and I would observe myself or stop doing that.." And we can go for long stretches with relative sanity. And I have made three stabs at Al-Anon before this go round.
And when I thought (this got lots of laughter in a face to face meeting) that we were home free, we've moved to a place we both love, he doesn't have to work anymore, etc. etc. (I had let go of trying to get us into 2 separate houses) And then last Fall his Father was dying in another state and he went back into full DD mode. Got better a little better at Christmas when the family were here, then escalated again afterwards. Full snark at just about anything I say. I was devastated (Oldtimers will think what part of this was unexpected?) and thinking why didn't I leave when I was in my 40s or 50s, even? Am I goinf to bge old and living with someone like this? And I have become dependent on him in so many ways. And my older sister, who needs a lot of care gets most of it from him, So I got into counseling, but the sweet little social worker wasn't up on addictive families, I could see.
Then I started reading on here. then I went to a F2F this week and swear to God I'm going to get this this time around.
And I am older than you can imagine at 26. And I don't know today if I am going to stay with him or if I am going to leave. I don't have to decide that today. He has toned down the anger and I have a certain amount of leverage over him that he will get into counseling or anger management if he yells at me again. (Grew up in a gentle household and yelling just unnerves me. I was pretty demoralized three months agol Not what anybody would think is normal now.
So does it get better? How good do you want? At 26 and no children, I assume, and knowing what I know now, I'd want the man you describe when he is sober but without the drinking problem. And I don't mean just not drinking.
This is way long and split in two and this part got interrupted cause I finally figured out that I can't be out there in the heat much and DDH isn't that interested in taking care of plants and I have two lovely people out there doing it who like to do it and all it takes is money. And I am blessed because ours never got all spent on booze. And he always had a good job. And
maybe things will get better with me in AlAnon or maybe they won't and I'll get strong enough to leave. I know I'm lucky in so many ways. And it is still one big mess.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

This site will help you find a meeting in your area.

When someone is in the first stages of the disease, it does seem like they are functioning.

kids are the hardest thing. I am glad you are protecting them. Remember you are protecting them from the disease not your husband.

It is always up to you if you are ready to leave or not. Or have him go.We would support you either way.

keep coming! love,debilyn

Rachel262612 · Member

Thanks everyone for the support, big ole tears came up in my eyes when I read all of your posts. I guess the pain lays dormant until you really just discuss it. I have done the whole, I am going to leave, before I do, he sobers up for maybe one or two days and I forget all about the leaving part. Or I do leave and can't take the begging and pleading and I am back within twenty four hours. I always think, it could be worse, his drinking could be worse, he works and supports us, he doesn't cheat, and on and on, but it never makes the pain from the drinking any better. I try to look on the positive, but I just can't do it anymore, He always says I am not an alcoholic, alcoholic's drink wiskey, and he is a beer drinker, He can convince you better that he doesn't have a problem, I know now that it won't change, it has been eight years, and I am at the end of my rope, I know what I have to do, maybe him loosing us, is what it will take for him to change. Now comes the strength part. I know it will really hurt him, and that's the part that hurts me the most. I could leave if I didn't think it would really hurt him. I don't know where people find the strength. I am closer to leaving now than I have ever been before. It is coming to the light. and I will check out those meetings, I guess a big part of me is in denial also. And I also say that if I would have known back when I was twenty about alcohol like I do now, it would have been a totally different story. I have so many paths in front of me, if I just had the strenght to take that step.

Again, thanks so much for everything. I was scared I was going to get negative feedback, I was really suprised at the support. Even if it did make me cry. I guess the truth can be hid, but it will come out from time to time and it will hurt. I love you guys, You will one day change someone's life. Maybe it will be mine.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"I know what I have to do, maybe him loosing us, is what it will take for him to change. Now comes the strength part. I know it will really hurt him, and that's the part that hurts me the most. I could leave if I didn't think it would really hurt him. "
-Rachel

Ok, hold it there. You cant make changes for you based on another person. That right there is sick/dysfunctional thinking. It is like boundaries, you make them for you. Start with boundaries before getting to life altering decisions. Slow down, focus on YOU, get into today. Try some meetings... in the meantime we have them in the chat room. Sometimes just getting to talk to someone (live in chat) gives us the support we need.
Just focus on you & today and you will be fine, all of the life altering choices will become clear & easier with program.

Meeting schedule online chat group: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

-- Edited by kitty on Sunday 21st of June 2009 11:55:13 AM

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