The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Sarah. I'm new to this site and let me tell you, just reading the posts here have given me strength. Sometimes I feel bad because my situation isn't nearly as bad as some of yours. But none the less, its still been very difficult for me. I've never dealt with an alcoholic before.
I met and fell madly in love with my boyfriend 1 1/2 years ago. He was amazing. So loving and romantic. I was young and newly divorced. He was my first real relationship following my husband. During the first three months, every time we were together, we drank. But me being the young person that I am, was having fun. I had never had a chance to party as I had a child at 21. Needless to say, after three months of drunken bliss, reality set in. I stopped drinking all together as I got tired of the hangovers and wanted to start a real life with him. He never stopped.
Like most of you, I continued to ignore the drinking in the early stages of our relationship. He was loving to me, helped pay the bills, held down a job and my son adored him. I told myself that all of the good things out weighed the drinking. I was so naive!
about a year in, I was fed up with the slurring, the stumbling, the missing of work and the drunk driving especially. While he never physically or verbally abused me at any time, he consistently was irrepsonsible with alcohol. Then one night he got into a fight at a bar and almost got arrested. Several more incidents later, I gave him an ultimatum. Either you stop drinking or I'm gone. He admitted he had a problem and quit. During this time, however, he decided that marijuana would be a great replacement. The smoking was worse than the drinking because it was every night. not just 4 or 5 times a week like the drinking. The whole cycle started over again.
As you may have predicted, I got fed up with the weed but he refused to give it up. Eventually he incorporated the drinking AND the smoking. Thats when I decided to leave. I secured myself a place, illicited my parents help and got out.
Here is where it starts to get bad for me. I left being determined that it was the right thing to do. That I didn't need this and my son deserved better. Now I'm lonely, sad and I miss him so much that I want to just run over there and hug him. I'm having a hard time understanding how he could choose the alcohol over letting me go without even trying to get help. I keep questioning myself if I did the right thing because he was never abusive towards me in any way. I feel like our love was a lie. That the alcohol means more to him than me. How do I get past this? What do I do?
Welcome to Alanon. I often feel like you do. I up and moved out of my apartment with my A sounds similar to yours besides he didn't smoke pot. I've been gone 1 month and 7 days and I can tell you it's not easy. But I know I deserve better and my children deserve better.
I think when we start to feel lonely and sad it's a part of grief and it's normal to go through this to heal. In our step 1 is says we are powerless over alcohol, well their lives are also powerless over alcohol. They can't say no and not take that sip or drink that bottle. They have a disease.
You can not cure it, you can not control it and you can not change it.
He has to hit bottom before he will change. When you told him quit drinking or I will leave if he would have chose to go to treatment in a way he was forced. He may not be ready to quit and if he goes he may do great, but I think many go back to drinking until they are ready to stop.
My sons father is to the point where he has to drink each morning or he is literally sick, he constantly has right side pain, he has told me he can't stop. He told me awhile ago he had cirrosis of the liver and now says he was just lying. I ask him to go to the doctor and he just tells me why do you care? Im not going because they wont let me go home once I get there.
His brother is dying of kidney disease which is caused by drinking. I left him took my kids; he is always telling me to come back, telling me he loves me blah, blah, blah (im sure he does love me, I still love him, but Im not happy) BUT he is still drinking and I have told him it's all caused from his drinking and I know he can't quit. Sometimes you just have to learn to separate him from his disease.
We are not here to tell you what to do. We are here to listen and share our experiences with you. I will tell you Alanon is a GREAT place. I have only been here 6 months and I will keep coming back it has helped me that much already.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
You wrote my story..except 20 yrs down the road my husband was in ICU with renal failure. I could never effectively stop his alcohol abuse. He wanted to drink and he did.
Lonliness can make the bad things seem not so bad... It's pretty much the same thing as you were doing before, overlooking the things you couldn't live with and thinking the good outweighs the bad...which is what brought you to where you are. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Until something changes you will be right back in the situation again, then kicking yourself for going back and saying "what was I thinking???!!!". I would suggest taking this time to work on you. Attend some Alanon meetings and just consider it "you" time.. There is time to make a decision and with some Alanon under your belt you will ensure you are making one that is well thought out and in your best interest. When in doubt, do nothing. For now, busy yourself (along with meetings). Do things you enjoy doing or haven't done and want to. Keeping yourself busy sounds trite, but it works. I found parks I hadn't gone to, went to movies, made more time for my friends etc. It keeps your worries from being the focus of every waking minute. One of the hardest things to do is to set boundaries (for our own protection, heart and head) for ourselves and stand firm with them. If we don't, we can expect them to get crossed over and over. Thus the cycle begins if we allow it. Hang in there, :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Sarah I'm new to this too and have only just joined. Like you, i thought my situation was nothing like as bad as some peoples. I wonder though if that actually makes the decision to leave even harder because you can always persuade yourself that it wasn't really THAT bad. My partner has just admitted he has a problem and has sought help - unfortunately i'm not sure his initial enthusiasm is going to continue for that! The disease kicks in and they start telling themselves that they're not that bad and (especially if they have mates who drink) that they are no different to their mates - end result - "i'll just have another drink". Its such a vicious circle. I've been with my partner for three years and for the first year he was using cocaine, which he had been seriously addicted to for 10 years. He stopped using and has been clean for 2 years. All he has done is replace one problem with another. He believes, and so do i, that he drinks to feel better and unless he works out why he feels the need to do that, he'll never ever get better. People drink because they choose to. At that moment in their mind, drinking is a more attractive option than being with you and your family. Like you, this is what i struggle with most - how can someone who tells you they love you, keep hurting you and choosing a glass of alcohol over you and your lovely family? How can they keep taking the risk that you will leave them? Don't they care enough? I have never found the answer to this question. When i've discussed this with my partner he tells me its because at that moment nothing else matters. I don't think its that he doesn't love you, maybe he doesn't love himself very much. I've showed my partner every bit of love and support that i could and i'm still not sure if it will ever be enough because at the end of the day there is nothing you can do to make them change unless they want to do it for themselves. You said he'd never abused you? He has by making you feel like this and putting you and your family through this. You can spend your life trying to look after your partner but do you ever ask yourself if he would be there for you if you really needed him? Or would he just run off to the nearest bar? I'm totally confused at the moment because i have a baby with my partner and i don't want to give up on our family but unless the drinking stops, all i'm doing is forcing my son to grow up in a familly where mum is always anxious and worried and where he thinks drinking and alcoholism is acceptable. You've taken a brave step to leave him, please don't do anything rash. Give yourself time to adjust to being on your own. You will start to feel better. If he really is the man for you, he's not going to go anywhere and if he really loves you then he will inderstand why you need to be away from him and he will get the help he needs. You don't deserve to be treated like second best, you deserve to be happy and feel valued by your partner. Unless he realises his behaviour is unacceptable he will never change it and you'll just be going back to the same old crap. I feel like my whole life has been taken over with worry and i think about it 24/7. i'm finding it hard to sleep. All you can do is work on getting your confidence back and give yourself time to feel better and stronger. I'd love to hear how you're doing as i feel lonely too. I don't have any meetings near me and it sometimes feels like nobody understands how it feels to be in this sort of situation. Its been great finding this site for support. Stay strong and don't let panic make you make a rash decision. x
Oran, you were questioning whether your AH would be there for you if you needed him. Well mine wasn't. I recently had 2 surgeries pretty much back to back for a rare condition I had. I was down and out for a month with the first surgery and a week with the second. He wasn't there for me at all. His first question to the doctor was, "when can she drive". He didn't want to drive my son to the sitter 5 days a week and have to pick him up also. He wanted to drink at night and sleep in during the morning since he's late for work just about every day. All of that time that I was there for him, overlooking his drinking and bad choices, and when I finally need HIM, he was not there. That helped in my decision to leave.
He has completely shut down. towards the end, he was really mean to my son. He wouldn't hit him (or I would have left without regret) he would just overreact to every little thing. He would yell at him or punish him for things that were rediculous. I finally stepped in and told him enough was enough. Once I yelled at him, he shut down. He stopped interacting with my child almost all together. Then he said he was just avoiding "pissing me off". He is doing the same thing now. He refuses to show me this effects him in any way. He says he doesn't want to talk about it, that way no one can judge him or hurt him.
The fact that I tell him that his alcohol is the cause of all this, has only pissed him off more. He thinks that it was my choice to leave and thats all that matters. He doesn't understand that his drinking caused me to leave. He just thinks I'm a cold hearted person who doesn't love him. When I tell him I miss him, he doesn't understand why. As if I could just shut off all of my feelings for him. I wish he knew how hard this was for me. He still has his alcohol. So at least he has SOMETHING. Its amazing the way an alcoholic can manipulate and turn things around on you.
As for the medical problems, he has gone through a lot also. He has severe heart burn and indegestion from all the alcohol. The doctor put him on pills that don't really help. He still doesn't think its a problem.
Does anyone have a good outcome story? Have any of your AH's seeked help and made your marriages last or better? I don't seem to see many success stories around here. Just lots of broken hearts. I guess thats how it is with alcoholics. How have some of your significant others hit rock bottom?
Welcome to Al-Anon and welcome to Miracles in Progress.
Find your way to an Al-Anon meeting. Success stories are EVERYWHERE in recovery. For myself, I was pretty narrow minded about what I thought success for me was supposed to look like. Pre-Al-Anon, I was a depressed, scared, lonely man...psychotically obsessed with the Alcoholic in my life. Al-Anon has taught me so many, many things about how to live. One of the greatest of these has been how not to be lonely even when I was "all alone" for a long time following my divorce.
I lived alone. Dated no one. What I did was throw myself into the program and worked on myself. And for me, after a very short time of attending meetings, reading the literature, getting a sponsor and reading/posting and being in the chat room and meetings here online at MIP I no longer felt lonely. I had a new amazing family who loved and supported me unconditionally. Al-Anon has a slogan, "when I got busy I got better". I latched onto that one...and it was right!
I am in the same boat as you. I'm with you. And I think of you both when I'm not on the boards. I read excerpts of "Getting Them Sober" last night online. I thought it would be another book telling me to be patient and compassionate (which I have been and which is so very very trying) but it was so practical and... funny. Here's the link. I'll also PM it to both of you.
I know lonely. What I did was do my best ONE day at a time. Today I choose not to call him. Today I will go ride my horse. etc.
Kept myself so busy on my animal sanctuary sometimes I fell into bed with my cloths and mud still on me. So next day I had even more to do, wash all my bedding etc.
You have a little one, I would dive into that. Find a mom group who get together with their kids. Check out the local community college, parks and rec, and see what you can do that would be fun.
I even went to the state fair alone.
Also having animals, all ya have to do is take a dog with you and people talk to ya.
It does help to, to go visit people. Be around non a's so you remember what normal is.
you are still sick from the A's disease. It is easy to forget how horrible it was. The thing about it too, it gets worse, so much worse.
You are right, your child does not need to be around it. Maybe think of your baby when you think about going back.
We can live so happy with out all that pain. I tell ya a mellow,serene life is sooo much better than all that drama and pain. I know I do not deserve it!
You said that yoru A says no one can judge him or hurt him.
i have learned that we shouldn't judge others. It's not our business and when others judge us don't let it get to is. Why should we care what others think of us?
And as far as the no one can hurt him, my A said that often also. But I think he said it because I did things to hurt him. I would say mean things in hopes in would make him stop hurting. He didn't want to hurt so he would do things back to me so he would feel better about himself. I think this is something many A's do it's part of the disease.
Google Spider Angels and there is a great website with tons of information. There is a letter an A wrote to his wife that someone showed me when I first came. It gave me a better idea of what this disease was doing to him.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Success stories? In fixing them? Getting them sober? You said there doesn't seem to be any here. My dear, you are looking at the wrong people!! Here, success is not defined by whether they are sober or not. WE are successful survivors of this disease. Success runs rampant here.
What was my husband's bottom? Almost dying (2x), renal failure, pneumonia, months of mental recovery. Alanon lights the way to new thought patterns and gives us tools to succeed.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hey Sarah I'm shocked you didn't think your situation was bad enough!! It sounds bad to me. In a small way my story has positive aspects as my partner has gone for help and has got counselling. I'm not sure whether the disease will allow his mind to keep the focus long enough for it to do him any good but i'm really hoping it will. I have had some very interesting chats with him since he has admitted how badly drink affects him, about why he can be so uncaring and also why he always says I've left him even though he's backed me so far into a corner that i have no choice. He says that in order for him to leave me and our son to drink he has to justify it to himself otherwise he couldn't drink. He admits that any excuse will do, however ridiculous, in his addicted mind anything he can think of he'll say. He will cause silly arguments in order to storm off to the fridge for another can. I don't believe for one minute that your A doesn't notice what you've had to put up with - he just chooses not to go there because that gives him the justification to keep on drinking. Addiction is so selfish and childish. You're trying to communicate with him on an adult level when he is actually behaving like a spoilt child. If he has said he can't understand why you love him then maybe somewhere deep down he does realise how bad he is to you. At the moment it doesn't sound like he has any intentions of changing because he doesn't think he needs to. Until HE realises that he is wrong, nothing you say or do will make any difference. You could ignore him completely - he'll have a drink, you could profess your undying love for him - he'll have a drink, you could collapse in front of him - he'll have a drink!!! Nothing you do or don't do is going to make any difference. I've tried screaming at my partner, i've cried and threatened to leave, i've pleaded with him to let me know he cares and all he did was start fiddling with the remote control and ignored me - how can someone seem to care so little? It made me feel like a total fool. Someone else on the forum told me we just don't have that kind of power to MAKE them do anything. You are not ever responsible for his behaviour - HE IS. Please work on getting your self confidence and self respect back and doing things that make you happy. I'm waiting on my first lot of literature to read through as i don't have a ftf meeting here so maybe what i've said is not correct in more experienced members eyes. Its only what i feel is right from my own experience. I hope you will get the strength you need - i'm sure you will - whatever you decide to do. Dawn x
Thank you all again for your replies. You guys are awesome!
Christy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I guess I'm just trying to find any bit of hope I can. I thought maybe reading some stories about how husbands or wives got help, might make me feel better.
But your right. I realize that I need to work on myself now. I'm trying to keep busy with friends and family. It's been difficult. I still cry every day.
Oran, I feel you girl. Mine came up with every excuse in the book to drink. He would go out with friends, or start some stupid argument with me just so he could drink. His most famous excuse was that he couldn't "shut his brain off" to go to sleep. So he needed to drink or smoke weed so that his mind wasn't going a mile a minute. He would stay up late so that he could say he couldn't sleep and give himself an excuse to drink or smoke. It was constant. And when he wasn't doing either thing, he would just be plain pissy. He would be so nasty and in a bad mood.
So my big problem now is that I can't seem to stop texting him. I just get this question burning in my mind that I have to have an answer to. So I text him with it and then he gets mad or starts a fight. Then I end up saying to much and he stops texting. I'm not completely guilty of this. He sometimes texts me with off the wall things. I just can seem to let go. I wish I could.
Now I'm lonely, sad and I miss him so much that I want to just run over there and hug him. I'm having a hard time understanding how he could choose the alcohol over letting me go without even trying to get help. I keep questioning myself if I did the right thing because he was never abusive towards me in any way. I feel like our love was a lie. That the alcohol means more to him than me. How do I get past this? What do I do?
OK....at first in recovery we don't "have us" yet so we miss the "infections" in our lives that made us feel "full"......after you get a sponsor...work the steps....fellowship in the meets, you will see that this was just a lesson in life, not to mess with people who are substance abusers and not healthy to be around.......
I am curious.........after reading your post, WHAT do you miss???? the slurring??? stumbling??? the stink of pot???? the screwed up behaviour??????
he chose the alcohol over you b/c he is NOT ready for recovery and until he is in recovery for YEARS, he is a total "non keeper" to have in anyone's life....
i think you know you did the right thing, i think you agree that you took care of you...and what about your son????? do you REALLY want him rolling joints for this guy???? pouring drinks for him????? learning unhealthy stuff so HE ends up in recovery??????
Your boy is an innocent....if YOU let him down, who has he got??/ its not just you it is both of you.....
PLEASE get a sponsor, 12 steps books and get into the meets...
yes, it is hard to fall for someone and find out they are so messed up....but be grateful that you didn't have a kid w/him....you did not marry him and get legally entangled with him...thank heaven he did not wreck your credit or wreck your "treasures" your mind...your soul....your hard earned property.....
I would feel the grief, talk w/sponsor and recovery mates and work the dickens out of the steps..........fall in love with you...get to know you...
your young...a whole life ahead of you with this little boy.....i pray you don't put him in harms way or you with hanging aroudn with an active substance abuser......he has issues you don't need.
