The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
yup. i was vigorously shaking my head today at some of the things he was saying (namely that he hasn't had contact with That Woman who "opened his eyes to AA" after i asked him not to. i know he has. i lowered myself to breaking into his phone usage online.)
i have become someone who snoops and goes breaking into his personal accounts. jeez.
the therapy session itself was okay. i cried a lot. he got angry with me for things. we had an adult conversation. and i said to him, "just SAY if you don't to be with me. just SAY IT!" instead, he said that he wants to go back to therapy with me because he feels he needs to talk with me in that setting. we are under instructions to have postive interactions together.
MEANWHILE, my darling friends (they are darling, i'm not being sarcastic) are encouraging me to file for divorce NOWW. "do it first!" "his mother is probably plotting against you right now!" i'm going to see an attorney tomorrow to see what my rights are, so i can protect myself in case he tells mommy dearest that we're finished and she strikes first. this is like the Art of War. ugh. i hate this. i'm a woman of peace.
not to mention that i played my first soccer game in 6 weeks last night after a severe ankle injury. i suuuucked. i feel terrrrrible about my performance. i'm a better player than that! and it was my first game with my work team that i'm the captain of. oh, it is to cry. stupid self esteem, so low right now.
i'm off to individual therapy, and to a f2f on saturday morning. in between i'm going to... well i think i'm going to continue steps 2 and 3 and really work them. step four is next and i'm not so sure i want to go do that. does being a financial hot mess count as something for my moral inventory?
You're the boss of you, but didn't you recently say that your AH is all of 11 days sober??? Just wondering who/how the whole concept of marriage counselling was raised - in my experience, that would be WAY too early for joint counselling.... early sobriety is really, really tough on both the A AND the Al-Anon - I wouldn't think many couples are "ready" for joint counselling so soon into his sobriety.... Is your counselor addictions-trained??
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You're the boss of you, but didn't you recently say that your AH is all of 11 days sober??? Just wondering who/how the whole concept of marriage counselling was raised - in my experience, that would be WAY too early for joint counselling.... early sobriety is really, really tough on both the A AND the Al-Anon - I wouldn't think many couples are "ready" for joint counselling so soon into his sobriety.... Is your counselor addictions-trained??
Take care Tom
yea, the 11 days thing got to me....FIRST he should be in AA for MONTHS b4 therapy w/alanon wife....didn't sound right to me
i had a therapist that i had to dump b/c of her "not feasible" TELLING me to do stuff...just b/c they are therapist, doesn't mean they are always right.....i would think, that in his early more than 6 mo. recovery, he "go it" in AA w/sponsor and recovery mates....THEN when his brain is clearer THEN therapy w/wife, IF you even want to keep him.....yea, is counselor addictions trained??? that is important....
i would ??? this one....11 days, he is still just barely detoxed.....
There is absolutely no "perfect" way of doing life and the situations we find our selves in. I don't believe that there is any perfect helper or guide either. We all, assuming rigorous honesty, do the very best we can with what we have and then stare off at the target to see how close we got to the bullseye.
You and your spouse are try and a journey of a thousand miles start with one eeny meeny little step. Good for you both. That you will feel sad and hurt is a given...that he will feel anxious and confused and fearful is also a given. By the way one of the reasons we lie is to protect ourselves and throw out an answer we think might turn off the subject...fear.
Counselors are human...again not perfect. I had a great one and even while he was great I caught him in breaking a confidence and on several occasions counseled him because I realized he was trying to help me when he himself needed it and wasn't outside of his own "issues". It was grand. I was also a counselor and neither of us were perfect ever.
Use the time taking slogans for now...E a s y does it. One day at a time. Think. and all the rest. There really isn't any rush when you are only living one day at a time. You didn't get here over night and you won't recover overnight either. If you're gonna check up on him and how hes making choices be honest and courageous take the risk of being insecure and a snooper. You have an opportunity to stop protecting and enabling him how does that get done with face making? If its fear that causing you to hold back let it out that you are fearful and then go over it. When I learned how to do that it was priceless and no matter what it did for the alcoholic or others I learn that I could deal with it openly without that crippling fear.
I use to work with couples and spouses and families as a counselor. One of the first things I did was to attempt to unite them and myself with getting over the problem and neither of them were the problem although we all were playing a part. Anyhow doesn't matter today as I am retired and do other things.
The forth step is very very important and all about being moral...good or bad. Here you get to know the one person you've lived your entire life with and may know the least...you!! I've seen a lot of members do great 4th steps and come away yelling YAAAY!! Feeling good and supportive of them selves. Good Luck.
"Just say it!!" Don't ask anyone to say to you what you don't want said to you. The picture is like asking a foe to hold a knife at you so you can plunge youself on it...and it isn't the truth. Be truthful and tell him and/or the counselor..."I want to be told something nice...tell me something nice!! If they are slow at it...do it yourself..."I am a kind and loving woman. I need to comfort my ankle."
Work it and it works....(((((hugs))))) You don't suck...your ankles hurts. Practice
i'm so glad i found this board. it really means a lot that all of you respond to me, a complete stranger with such patience, care and concern. i'm humbled by it. i'm crying right now, but in a good way.
i need to have more compassion for this man (so hard) who is only (now) 2 days sober. the subject of counseling came up on his end - he wanted to work on our marriage but he's so confused... he wants to go back to therapy next week so we can communicate. maybe that's what we need to do.
but at the same time i have to look out for myself. i'm looking to hp tonight. going to meditate, read a little dalai lama and go to sleep early.
thank you thank you thank you all of you love, xter
well, I once had the therapist making faces at ME when ex AH was not looking...geesh! THAT illness was plain to see...eventually that therapist would no longer take our money. He told us to get out and get divorced...I kid you not (and we did thank god). LOL! hugs, J.
can i add a post script here? he dropped me off at home after therapy, kissed me, said he was going back to work and then to a meeting... and i haven't seen him or heard from him since. my poor heart. i can't take much more.
