The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I let a family member in on what life is really like at my house. There is no addiction in my family of origin, and my siblings all married "well" in that they have stuck with their spouses and pretty much have stable happy marriages. Not perfect, but not full of abuse and drama. I HATED being the "loser" of the family, the ONLY one with the bad marriage to an A.
I wanted to fit it, so I played along and continually made excuses for my A to my family. Now, don't get all hot and bothered about "enabling" because this is something I did for ME! He didn't know I did it or care. Like many A's he could not care less what I think of him, much less what my family thinks, so I was not doing "something for him he could have done for himself" I was simply bolstering my own social standing for my own benefit, by pretending that I married well.
Of course this didn't REALLY work, they just played along. They knew something was really wrong, loving supportive husband's don't shun once in a lifetime important family events like weddings and funerals, but they pretended to believe the excuses. Just like I know, I can see, that they are generally happy in their marriages. I hated that feeling. I was happy they were happy, I just hated feeling like I was the "mess up" of the family.
Anyone, today the A made me late for one more important family event. I got up early to make sure I left a meal prepared for him so he wouldn't leave the kitchen a mess in his passive aggresive way of paying me back for not cooking for him and spending time away from this miserable home and being happy. Then, I prepared a meal for me to eat when I came home that I liked. While I was cooking, the A watched TV and sat around. Then, when I was finished, just when I was about to jump in the shower he raced me and jumped in for his shower! I knocked and told him I needed to shower then to be ready on time, and that he could shower after I got out, FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER! I then pointed out that he could shave and brush his teeth while I was showering, then shower after I left. He was going to have the WHOLE house to himself for hours to do whatever he pleased.
I got an earful of how I "always" mess up his plans and that he is "always" late to work because I am "irresponsible and don't understand about getting to work on time".
Um...I think I should point out that he did not have to be at work for SEVEN HOURS and after my 15 minute shower, would have the whole house to himself.
He stood in the door for his stupid tirade, then let me in the shower 15 minutes later, when I should have been DONE, of course making me late on purpose.
I had to leave the house with a towel around my hair, mousse and headband in hand and do my hair in the car, no mirror. I then had to put on my makeup in the doctor's office with people staring before going to the family function.
I got an earful THEN from my family for making them late, then for having them be an audience for my daily grooming. I got lectures of not getting up early enough, and why didn't I know how to use an alarm clock, and why didn't I know by now how to organize my time like THEY did since no one else was late.
I was just fed up, this was the last straw! I got sick to death of everyone dumping on me. Only, because my family is healthy and loving, I knew telling them the truth would be OK. Confronting the A about his stupid actions would only cause more drama, they can't take expressions of honest feelings to "clear the air" and have some understanding like normal people can. To an A, anything other than praise is an attack and they respond with horrible hateful drama.
I told my family about how my day had gone, about how early I had gotten up, and how hard I had worked all morning to organize my day and how that just wasn't enough to overcome someone bent on thwarting and sabotaging me at every turn. My family was very supportive and understanding and comforting and it felt REALLY good to be treated with some kindness and compassion...for ONCE by SOMEONE!!!!!
I am so glad I finally told them! I don't know why I suffered in silence for so long, taking undeserved blame for so much. I did it to myself, I see that now, playing a role that I didn't need to play, especially with the blessing of having a supportive and loving family. They never forced me into that role, I chose to play it.
I chose a ROLE no longer, I want to be me!!!
Thank you alanon family for helping me grow enough to accept ME as I am and no longer be willing to put on a fake face for the world.
Congratulations Blythe on stepping out of denial and into the truth with your family, I'm sure that was a hard one. You don't have to feel like you have failed. You are a winner, because you chose to come here and get help for yourself and learn how to work a program.
Just remember "expectations" are premeditated resentments when it comes to "planning your day" with an A in mind. They are always going to throw a wrench in the works.
Sounds like you did the best you could with a plan "b". You said, "I had to leave the house with a towel around my hair, mousse and headband in hand and do my hair in the car, no mirror. I then had to put on my makeup in the doctor's office with people staring before going to the family function."
You did the best you could with what you had to "work with" and I bet you weren't as late as your family let on that you were, if it was just a 15 min. delay in the shower timing. But be that as it may, it wasn't your fault and after your family knew that they supported you, and that is great. I'm glad that you got some (((hugs))). Keep up the good work in Recovery. Take care of you!
that took a LOT of guts...coming out of the *hard and hollow* pain of denial and now into the *soft and profitable* pain of acceptance of the TRUTH
the TRUTH is gonna set you FREE.....GREAT job!!!! I have found that when i am honest re: my feelings/needs etc. I am pleasantly surprised at just how decent people can be.....
GOOD job....Taking care of you......Proud of you!!!!!
Blythe, I'm new here. I just want to say that I think more good is going to come out of that one step of yours than you can imagine. It will be exciting to see what you share with us in subsequent posts, now that big stone has rolled off your back. I know you did that for you then. Now you are finding out an even better thing you can do for yourself. I think. What a great resource you have: a normal, supportive family.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Blaming is soooo tedious and it sucks. It was one of the Changing what I can steps in recovery. It's such a usely defense I don't care who uses it. It never really worked for me.
Good for you... I'm glad that you stood up for yourself, and shared enough for them to see that you did not do it to harm, or tick anyone off... I am sure it took great strength to get to that place... Good Job...
(((Blythe))) I'm so glad you have family members who you feel safe enough with to share your story with.
I kept my mouth shut about my AH for years - finally reached out to some of my most trusted family members and got total unconditional love and support. What a RELIEF!
because this is something I did for ME! 
He didn't know I did it or care. Like many A's he could not care less what I think of him, much less what my family thinks, 
so I was not doing "something for him he could have done for himself" I was simply bolstering my own social standing for my own benefit, by pretending that I married well.
