How do I do it?

Why do I not learn?

Cannot do right for doing wrong?

I walk into the spider's web all the time, and by the time I realise it I cannot get out of it.

My friend's mother died lost Thursday.  The mother was only a couple of years older than me and we were friends too.  She often told me that she thought of me as the younger sister she always wanted.

I have been supporting my friend and her father in his loss and this has been okay, however, whilst this has been going on I have been supporting my daughter and this is where I have screwed up AGAIN.

Things have not been good in her relationship with her boyfriend, they got engaged, he walked out, he came back they got back together, they became engaged again - well - she bought him an engagement ring this time, and he eventurally bought her a NEW engagement ring (though he never got around to giving it to her). 

Over the course of their relationship he has walked out everytime  something happens that he does not like, or if he did not get his own way in things.  He is lazy, does drugs, plays the bachelor and goes out with the boys, gigs and parties but does not womanise...he is a Peter Pan character and does not do responsibility.

My daughter's father never liked him, never talked to him, never acknowledged him and neither did her stepmother nor her Grandmother or the rest of that side of the family.  Her brother tolerated him, but told me two years ago when my daughter last threw me out and told me not to get in touch, talk, write or speak to her or her children again, that the boyfriend and his sister regularly "broke up".

I did not know him and had not met him but once at that time.

Last year in April, I wrote about giving my daughter and this boyfriend sometime together at my house whilst I looked after the children (some of you will remember), unfortunately the children were awful and my grandson punched me and threated me with a club and my daughter and boyfriend had to come back earlier than planned and I was blamed for the bad behaviour and written off again.

In October of last year my father died and my daughter and her boyfriend came up to the funeral with her brother and his girlfriend and my daughter made an effort to make peace with me, though I kept my distance and did not do anything to encourage a great deal of contact.  During that time, on the journey back from the funeral my daughter and her boyfriend had a huge fight and he walked out yet again but somehow I was blamed for this and told again to stay away and out of contact.

Christmas came and my daughter got in touch again and I very reservedly responded but kept things very low key.  She then rang telling me she was pregnant and she was having a really bad time.  She showed signs of miscarrying and as I have had three miscarriages and did not carry her or her brother easily she was contacting me daily repeatedly for advice and support. 

HE had walked out yet again and she was is serious health trouble with three other children to look after and a full time job to try to keep and deal with this dreadful pregnancy.  Her father and her brother of course stayed clear and so she only had me to turn to.

In the end, by April she need practical physical support and I went down to help.  I played mediator between her and the boyfriend, whilst trying to keep the children calm and keep my daughter from miscarrying.  It worked and things calmed down somewhat, I got them talking to each other, I got him to come over and help do some practical things as well and I got them both to think about what they expected of their relationship.

In the meantime, my daughter started rape counselling...something she has needed for years and years and which she has faced up to and bravely begun.  I think a lot of her anger issues stem from that time.   So some of her anger is being dealt with.  In the meantime, I now feel the time I spent with them during that period helped me to come to know HIM as well and I realise he has serious responsibility problems.  Well, the fact is HE DOES NOT DO RESPONSIBILITY and he is an emotional bully.  And the fact that he does drugs does not help.  And he cannot cope with the fact that he is the father of this baby and has not got a clue how to behave in a relationship where he needs to help and support and do his bit.

Okay, so where have I got to...

oh yes, I have stayed with my daughter some ten days and I have been busy doing  and cushioning and caring and just sitting and listening for hours and hours and not letting my daughter bully me.  Standing my ground, not reacting in my old way by being the intimidated, scared rabbit but telling her flatly that I am not leaving the room because she tells me to, that I am staying to help, that I will finish the washing up no matter whether she and the boyfriend are rowing, that I do love her and she is not going to drive me away, that she is worth it, that she is loved, that I do care, that I am not giving her any excuse to cut me off again or out of her life and I am not letting her bullying me.

WOW, I could not believe how I was dealing with all of this and what a difference the changes I had made in my own responses where affecting the situations on an hourly basis.

I managed to sit HIM down and got him to talk about his problems and both my daughter and her children could not believe how I had managed to do that and were staggered that I had drawn so much from him.  In the meantime, I also managed to talk with his mum too and get her to open up to me too.  I used al-anon techniques.  I did not let anyone see my fear, indeed I realised after some time that I was not afraid I was being me and I was being assertive and not allowing myself to be bullied.

I came home.  I continued to support my daughter by listening and not saying much.  I gave my opinion when asked for it, other than that I simply stuck to building my daughter up and counter-stepping the negatives rather than giving advice and opinions and I did not pass any judgement at all.

Over the next six weeks I continued in this way and then I got distracted and I had my friend's death to face and was splitting my support on a personal and very emotional level four ways all at the same time, and I have fallen foul of my own limitations.

HE walked out weeks ago, it was all over, it was back on, it was all over again, it was well it might not be over, but really my daughter was at the stage of I hate him, I don't want anything more to do with him, he is a loser, he is no good, he will not even give up the drugs for the baby, he is not wanting the baby, I don't want this baby but I cannot get rid of it, I am stuck with his child and I hate him I wish he was dead....and on and on and on...and I am getting text day and night and desparate I cannot go on, I wish he was dead, he does not deserve anything good in life messages...and finally I get messages from my daughter saying, what do I do now, do I put his name on the baby's birth certificate, do I cane him for money for the baby,  or do I just walk away with those who care.  How do I tell his mum I cannot have anything to do with her either now that it is all over.

I cannot have anything more to do with him.  I hate him. 

And I say I cannot advice, she has to make those choices, the only thing I can say is, would she feel right not letting his mother have access to her grandchild just because her son cannot grow up and be responsible?  How would she truly feel inside about that one?  However, if it was too hard, then she must do what she felt would be best for her and her children as they would be the ones who now would be giving up so much for this baby as her career was now in jeopardy.  Her children are happy about this baby and very supportive.  They are 15,13 and 10 and the 15 year old wants to be her mother's birthing partner regardless of the father's involvement.  (Kind of sweet...she is very supportive and protective of her mum.)

And then I screw up...He writes  "Fred(not his real name) is dead.  R.I.P." and my daughter goes mental, and I lose the plot.

And without thinking I write back..." What does that mean, R[esponsibility] I[m]P[ossible] -  Sorry Fred, I am cross with you.  You need to face your responsibilities I am sick of this irresponsible attitude of yours.

I saw red.  How dare he talk about R.I.P. when I have just lost a dear friend to liver and heart failure.  R.I.P. is not something to joke about.  And I have opened myself up for being the scapegoat once again as my daughter text me tonight to say.

"Your remark has made it harder for anything positive to be gained now.  Thanks!"

So I have opened myself up to being made the scapegoat AGAIN.

Will I ever learn?

I know this may all seem petty in the cold light of day, but it is not for me at this time.

So thank you for letting me get this out.  I am so upset with myself for being so stupid.  Better if I had NOT said anything, even though I said nothing that my daughter, his mother and others have repeatedly said to me over and over again.  ANd he took it as a teenage catty remark.  Not a mother/grandmother serious remark.  I am NOT a CATTY person, never have been and never will be.  But I suppose that it showed his total lack of respect and showed how childish he is.

At 34, I think it is pathetic.  But then again, I was pathetic to let it get to me in this way.


Suzannah