At a loss - Al-Anon Family Group

Grace11 · Member

At a loss

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

Good for you for stopping covering up for him - that's healthy behaviour, whether you knew it or not. I too struggled - sometimes still do - with those what if my A spouse relapses fears. Well, I get to choose. If he relapses, I will re-evaluate. If he develops Alzheimer's, I will decide what I will do. If he does not relapse, I have choices. Right now that choice is - things are not perfect, but they are good. It is not the life I imagined, but it does not suck either. There are many positives, and for now, I choose to continue growing together.

Alanon has been invaluable to me in making this possible. If he acts like an alcoholic - which he is, albeit a sober one - I can go to a meeting, or call my sponsor, or look in the index of my daily readers for pages to read on what I may be feeling. My well-being need not be tied to his level of sanity. Of course I like my life better on the days when he's doing well; but the days when he's doing rotten don't have to drag me down with him. (I have enough to do dealing with my own rotten days, thank you very much.)

Welcome. Find a f2f (face to face) meeting near you - there are links at al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm

And keep coming back.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Him going into treatment is a perfect opportunity for you to get informed in al-anon. I was enabling in ways I had no idea it was "enabling" - good for you for stopping the lying & covering up. I would do junk like waking up the A - a simple gesture - but it allows them not to deal.

Thing is with being with an A, they are an A no matter if they are using or not, in program or not. You still need to face yourself, work on you, detach from his behvior & run your own life. There is a lot of help with al-anon but none of us can do it alone, without support. This stuff works b/c it DOES work. Sure, what u will hear may sound ridiculously simple but it is not easy. It took me a few years to actually gain any detachment - I was emotionally enmeshed - hey if my A had a bad day too through telepathy, I was feeling the same way, on their same roller coaster.

I developed inner boundaries. I leanred it was alright that I could be "OK" even if they were in crisis. It didnt mean I was not empathetic or compassionate, it meant I wasnt a slave to their emotional trip. I have a lot of A's in the family & I love them all but no amount of love can save them from themselves - we all as human beings get to have that experience individually.

We cant change anyone but us, so get focused on YOU & change what u can. I guarantee you will appreciate your own hard work & ur worth it!

You ask if he can change, can you? We promise you can go back to the same old misery or u can create something new... it may be something youve never tried before. I know for me, self love was a foreign concept - I martyred myself to death, there was nothing left for me. Where's the self preservation?

Once I made me a priority, every single thing changed. Today I am hopeful & grateful and it came out of working program.

Get to meetings, share, use this board (we have archives) and we even have two daily mtgs in the chat room & 24/7 chat. You are not alone, welcome.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

28 days is nothing. Hopefully it will help him to learn a few things, he will have some time of sobriety. To set a day limit is like telling a cancer patient you are going to stay in the hospital for 28 days.

There is no way of knowing if he will be ready to come out and work his program. The recommendation is straight from rehab to at least 90 meetings in 90 days.

Most all A's relapse. I hate telling people that.

As far as you, there is Al Anon.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.

I learned to love my AH no matter what. However the brain damage was so bad, that he became dangerous for me.

The cycle is a perfect way to explain life with an addict. Many use roller coaster. Even if they don't use and are on a program of recovery, it is still very difficult to live with an A.If both are in recovery programs the chances are better for the relationship.

It is MY experience that I would never have children with an A. In my experience I did not trust him with my animals, especially when he relapsed.

It is all a very personal decision. I am only sharing mine. I also loved this man since I was 17 years old. Am 56 now. We have been thru unimaginable things together. good and very bad.

I hope you find yourself educating yourself about his disease. Keep coming back here, there are sooo many members to guide and support you, and we need you also!

love,debilyn

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I put another version of my take on another post.....Hopefully you will think on it and digest on it...its MY take about OLD patterns....

Ok, you dated him and now married him....I am assuming that you maybe grew up with this problem and accept it as your "lot in life" (being with alkies).....I know that was my beginnings...grew up with it...married it and suffered with it...

NOW I see I deserve better...even if I were to stay with an A which I have no desire to after 2 failed marriages with them, i have 2 alkie brothers whom I keep my LOVING distance from....I take care of me....I work my program each day for ME.....i keep the FOCUS of my attention on me...

Here is my take re: changing ME which is the ONLY power I have...I can CHANGE ME......

This is how I USED to live.....b4 REcovery.....NOW I have changed....I can care for another, but I set proper limits....what i will give...what I will do....what is THIER load to carry, they carry it or suffer the consequences.....

Old patterns hang on like an orangatan with only one tree!!! Even when the behavior gave me pain/worry/angst/ so much I had to set boundaries/or was constantly worried/always thinking of them and not me/having to always protect me/anxiety/no peace/trying to force them to do my bidding. , , I still could not give it up.

The fact that it was my comfort zone made it tolerable, knowable, somewhat manageable, and far less scary than trying something new..(HEALTHY people/places/things)....People and places and things we dont' have to *force* and/or set continual boundaries on...OR risk our mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health trying to keep them/it...

However we are lucky because now we have a place to go...IF WE WANT IT....where it is safe to try new behaviors. We can get rid of, self-defeating patterns , working the 12 Twelve Steps...Meetings...Sponsor...being WILLING to change ME...

The ones on the recovery path do it b/c they WANT a new life. I am DONE with the old ways that no longer work.

And I have come to believe that change is possible if I SEEK /REACH out for it in the right place. Recovery is the right place! At my meetings I can see others who, like me, are trying on new behaviors and making better lives for themselves... I am an example for others....., and give thanks that I said "ENOUGH pain...I want a NEW way..Whatever it takes, even if the work is hard and painful...I WANT to be happy and joyous and FREE!!! So I drug me into the 12 steps and SERIOUS recovery and I CHANGED....

I changed all areas of my life....I am getting free of the old patterns....I wanted it...claimed it....worked for it.....I am reaping the harvest of the GOOD and HEALTHY seed I am NOW sowing...

I can be "friends" with my alkie brothers and yet NOT let them mess up my serenity...its MY choice...

do they get better??? NOT w/out recovery--- drinking is progressive....it can only get worse if he is NOT in extensive/long term recovery w/sponsor, daily meets, and working the 12 steps....w/out that there is no hope.....NONE.....

You did RIGHT....NOT covering up for him....GOOD step in letting him suffer his OWN consequences...as long as we enable?? theyhave no problems b/c WE have their problems.....I would THROW them back at him and say "DEAL....this is YOUR load, not mine"......

dating, they kinda "try" to behave....married, the "gloves are off"....what reservations they had, "courting" go right out the window.....w/out long term, commited recovery, he will relapse and cause more havoc....

YOU, on the other hand are here...reaching out....YOU can help YOU..and ONLY you!!!!!

Now is the time for (you) meetings, get a sponsor...get workbooks on the steps to find out WHY you thought this was the "best you could do"...what happend in your past to cause you to think "THIS is all I can get"....there ARE healthy people "out there"....there are people who can give us MUTUAL love and respect and honour and trust and support and in general, be more of a blessing then a curse....

I hope you take care of YOU....

Take what you can use and dump the rest......Today you can "begin again"...TODAY can be a new start for YOU.....HE has to do his own stuff....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Grace ooooh I did that myself and not just once. I won't tell you how many
times just let it stand that I didn't have much to do with healthy women.  I kinda
had a sign tattooed on my forehead "rescues done here...free!!"    Those also
came down to "at a loss" for me also.   I had no idea what alcoholism or addiction
looked like, sounded like, felt like or anything. I expected everything to "just" turn
out fine and dandy just like the story books.

There was something wrong with me and I had to find out what that or those were
and work at changing me.   Yes me because the alcoholics and addicts in my life
were there on agreement and...I could also make them pretty sick with my
thoughts, feelings and behaviors never minding their drinking and using.   So I
finally ran out of gas set my timer to "die" and then caught a real face to face
Al-Anon meeting by the grace of my HP ...God as I understand God (cunning,
powerful and baffling) and started taking suggestions, the first of which was "Keep
coming Back". I didn't try to lead anyone or thing and gave up trying to do my own
thinking and planning and expectations and surrendered myself to the happy,
smiling people in the rooms.

I highly recommend it to anyone who is feeling deathly ill, suspects that maybe
it has to do with alcohol either their own or someone elses and wants to listen
to a different story than the ones that run over and over in their heads always
ending up at the same sick ending and beginning.

Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your telephone
book. Call the number and get the times and places for the meetings in your
area and then come sit with us for an hour or so. Your alcoholic will be who
he is where he is without your help. You need the help.

(((((hugs)))))

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes its possible for him to change , but he is not the only one who has to change u do too, we have a part in this mess , find an Al-Anon meeting and attend for a few months before making any life alterting decissions . u will find support in our groups and people who understand how u feel . get your life back start renewing old relationships , look for hobbies that make u happy . Focus on your needs for a change , leave his disease with him where it belongs . Louise

Grace11 · Member

Thanks to all who replied to my post. happy that people bothered to reply. My husband is in rehab. Visited him each day this week and it was very nice and CALM!I was seeing some hope for a future, probably naively? Yesteray and today he was allowed home for a few hours and all we did was fight...over stupid things. Am so upset and angry and just remembered this website that I had stumbled upon over a week ago so checked if anyone had replied...thanks.

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