The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My girlfriend of a year completed outpatient treatment for her prescription and marijuana abuse. It came to a head when I found I was missing adderol. She went into treatment when we got back from our vacation.
She was fine during the treatment, (only one fallout), but since then, she's not taken advantage of the aftercare or attended any meetings. So far as she's admitted, she's been out drinking once, has taken my adderol again and taken a fentanyl patch from my grandmother. She says, and I believe her, that she she is very sorry. Also, I found out this morning that she has taken some lortabs from my medicine cabinet.
It's not that I don't trust her anymore, but things have changed in me. I loved her very dearly before I found out about the missing pills and whatnot recently. But now, with my trust broken, I'm at a loss. With only minor inconvenience, I can assure myself that she won't be able to steal any more meds. I know her disease tempted her into doing what she did and I'm not willing to give up on her, but I'm very hurt and she sees the change towards her in me.
I'm at a point where I need support and guidance, dear souls. I'm sitting her very sad.
Two things are rushing through my head. A separation, although we don't live together. But I feel that if I'm not there to support her, she'll turn back to drugs to combat the lonliness and sadness. That's a double edged sword. I'll miss her.
An ultimatum forcing her to go to aftercare treatment and na/aa meetings, but I've heard that doesn't work, either.
Help, please. I love this woman dearly but hate what she's done to me and my family.
i think you're going to have to focus on yourself and your family first (we all say that, but it's difficult in practice) and not worry what a separation is going to "make" your gf do. she will use when she's with you and use when she's not. it's not your fault. take away guilt because it's not your fault.
it's hard and we're all here for you and for each other. it's hard but it will get better if you focus on yourself and not your gf. it takes inner strength that you may doubt sometimes, but it's there. you're a survivor (we all are here :) )
try to embrace step one: you're powerless over others (and that's okay)
I know I am powerless, but I'm not willing to embrace it, yet. I know I can't control her or her actions. But her acts directly affect me. She needs to do it for herself, but is it it possible for her to do it for us? If that's what makes her happy and content, then why not use that as the anti-trigger?
dude, i know how you feel. step one is SO HARD for me (i'm a project manager by trade and i think that every problem has a fix, every risk has a mitigation plan and everything ties neatly into a bow at the end of the day). i've only begun to embrace step one with my AH. his acts directly affect me, have torn apart our marriage and my sanity. and it's harsh for me to hear it but: he does not care. he says he cares some days, and then other days it's all indifference from him. and that's what addiction (the disease we all name) has done to him. he's early in his recovery like your gf.
i've tried so hard to be the anti-trigger. he's made me the anti-trigger. but nothing i said or did worked. he drinks anyway. even in AA. that cuts pretty deep. so i'm practicing non-action, not engaging him, not letting him get me happy only to have a crisis that sends me to the work-bathroom crying all day. the biggest problem for me with addicts and alcoholics is their charm... it's hard to resist sometimes.
i'm not saying that your gf doesn't care and i'm not saying that your situation is not different. everyone situation is... BUT... the more you read from everyone, the more you realize that we're leading parallel lives. take comfort if you can from that at least. and take comfort in coming back and sharing and reading others' shares.
your situation will only change if you change yourself.
If u need help ur in the right place. Get to f2f mtgs for YOU - u say you want her to do it for you & the both of you but by the same token, you ought to be in program for YOU & your relationship as well. Learning all u can about the A will help you seperate the disease from the person. They do have a disease, the using is merely a symptom of it. She may be very sorry, truly for stealing the pills but I would not expect it to never happen again. A's can get money, drugs off of you in front of your eyes & u may not see it.
No amount of baby sitting her will be a guarantee that she wont use - do u go to the bathroom with her? My ex used to do coke in the car on the way to & from work. Plus, she will grow to resent you for babysitting her & her program or lack of one.
You say you know ur powerless but I suspect you're still "trying to influence" her which is what I did in my family for years, I was in denial that I was being manipulative.
I think all of come here to help someone else initially... we come wanting answers on how we change them -- you can work on you, detach from her behavior lovingly, focus on you & work a program. Focusing on them... feeding into that energy... trying to help, cajole & fix - is all a futile effort. We can only change ourselves.
It is not hopeless - by changing your attitude, your perception will change. I know how devastating someone else's drug use is but when we focus on something outside of us, we are giving all of our power away.
It's true ultimatums usually backfire. You can always set boundaries for YOU, like to remove yourself or whatever -- A's have to face their disease within them. If you are there trying to fight it for you, what incentive does she even have?
Focus on YOU & make loving yourself a priority. Of course you love her, of course you can be emotionally supportive but no one can do this introspective work for us & we cant do it for anyone else.
Recovery is self discovery & I hope u give yourself a fair chance. Welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Tim...Its good that you are tuned into the behavior more than the words. You learn more when you listen with your eyes and then that is how we learn best about things outside of ourself and then....how do we watch ourselves. How to we get to know about the only person we have any power over to change? We go to others who have worn and walked in our shoes and ask them for help and support. In the Al-Anon Family Groups I even learned how to ask other longer term trusted members how they saw what I was doing and what were they getting from what I was saying about my life with the alcoholic. Extreem? Either that or die. I was employed in a large in patient out patient recovery program; Adults, Youth and Family. I seen the successes and the failures. 99.99% of the long term successes came from the patient embracing 12 step recovery. All of the failures were due to the patient continuing to run their own "using" programs. That went for everyone participating in the program patient or in support of patient.
Addiction is cunning powerful and baffling and I can read here that it has worked its magic on your spirit also. I read that you can admit that you are powerless and for the moment your life is screwed with your addict in it. Just to pass on some information? Very many clinical professionals have failed at what we fail at. When the alcoholic's will and the addict's will is to use; why they give in or succumb to the irrational compulsion to use...they will. If they don't die the compulsion won't either. The fight is daily and justifies daily recovery attempts.
The real question is what do you want for Tim...really want for Tim? My sponsor asked me to consider the consequences I wanted before I made the decision and plan for my life. If your decision is to have a partnership with an addicted person then some of the plan must include education regarding diseases of addiction and how that affects the non-addicted partner. It should also have information on where the non-addicted person can go for support and strength. It also should included reality work on the truth that "normal" will exist in the context of "abnormal". The latter becomes the former and vise versa. This is a life threatening disease and the disease has no bias as to who dies first. It is in the category of fatal diseases if the persons envolved continue to practice the procedures.
I'm glad you made it to MIP. This is not really the Al-Anon Family Groups for many reasons however I can tell you that you can find that program which saved my life as a husband to and alcoholic/addict and before that an addict and between that an alcoholic and before it all a child of the disease to an including personally participating in it as a willing participant.
If you want happiness inspite of pain and depression, anger and fear. This is and the AFG are the place to come, sit down, listen, learn, take and followup on suggestion and offer help back when you can. Al-Anon is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that hot line number and ask for meeting places and times. When you get that info I'd suggest you go as early as you can.
If you do there are one set of consequences. If you don't you get to repeat the ones you are now getting and we call that insanity.
i think you're going to have to focus on yourself and your family first (we all say that, but it's difficult in practice) and not worry what a separation is going to "make" your gf do. she will use when she's with you and use when she's not. it's not your fault. take away guilt because it's not your fault.
it's hard and we're all here for you and for each other. it's hard but it will get better if you focus on yourself and not your gf. it takes inner strength that you may doubt sometimes, but it's there. you're a survivor (we all are here :) )
try to embrace step one: you're powerless over others (and that's okay)
exter is right....g.f. is gonna use whether you are with her or not......I would sit down with MYSELF and say "OK, what is the best thing for me???" One thing that IS is al-anon....steps....meetings...(i was in meet here last night and loved it)....get a spnsor, and yes, work on YOU.....this is not your fault......AND she is not going to be a partner if she is not in intensive recovery.......
yea, its HARD to realize that we are powerless, but we ARE.....which sounds more sensible????
beating your head agaisnt the wall, trying to change someone who has a will and choice and free will of their own????
OR
Lovingly telling that person "time out", I gotta take care of me, I will help you with a *burden* (something that is out of her realm) but will NOT help you with your *load* (stuff / her life, for example, her choices that ARE her responsibility)......
that is real love...Allowing that person to suffer the own consequences, and my friendn, it is the ONLY hope you have to having a suitable and maybe "workable" relationship......
IF you enable her / take on her responsibilities, you are going to render her powerless to change b/c she is not going to have any of her problems anymore..YOU will have taken HER problems as YOURS and who goes nuts here???? YOU...
I know, I have a Narkie daughter....i enabled her...paid her cell...was afraid to detach out of fear "omg, what will she do????" well heck!!! whether i was there or not, she CHOSE to use......I got into recovery and realized...."I gotta let her go.....let her suffer from her own choices...let her hit bottom if need be, b/c I CANNOT help her...I am not God...i am not the universal power who can come out of the sky and grab her and drag her into wanting to LIVE"......SHe has to make that CHOICE and pursue it......
i am sorry your in this spot...i can read your pain here....you did the smart thing coming here for help....your first step in REclaiming the ONLY thing you can work with and that is YOU and YOUR life and YOUR happiness........life is a CHOICE away....i hope you grab onto life....
I have found I am no longer willing to take a front seat to anyone's alcoholism/addictions, and that includes my 31 year old AD.
Do I love her? Yes. However, she is free to live her life separate from me, and make the choices she continues to make.
She had a chance to do right and turn her life around in my home, and she chose not to.
Therefore my door is no longer open to her, and I'm okay with that.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
OH THANK U Tender!!!!! My thoughts EXACTLY....... I can love the alkies and narkies, but I do NOT have to have them in my face, messing up MY serenity....it is THEIR choice and if that is their choice???? God bless and good luck.....I sleep good too.....DITTO DITTO DITTO.......all i can do is place them in God's LOVING and more qualified hands.......
