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Ive just read something about the excuses A's make, and one bit really got me. I'd be OK if it weren't for you! My AH said so many things about me for months and months when he was out, I knew nothing of it and would walk into a social situation thinking there was my husband, my loyal husband, who would have just been telling our mutual friends, oh kill joy will be here soon and "I cant stand being in the house with her" and god knows what else, because these things are just slowly coming out in conversation. My friend keeps telling me snippets and isnt meaning to hurt me because she thinks he is insane and witnessed his rapid spiral into drink once he left AA. She thinks I am with the programme so to speak, that I understand that it was the drink talking, his excuses, but it does hurt even though I do know that. This morning, five months since he left, I was in the shower and I just felt like breaking down again, its a while since Ive felt like that..I feel so angry with him especially as hes been trying to get in contact with me via my sister, and I just think I have so much stuff I want to say, or YELL at him, but I will never do it, my dignity is too important, his lies and deceit are worth nothing..but I wish I had an outlet...I do not know for one minute why he thinks I would want to be in touch, what he could possibly ever say that I would want to listen to....were still married on paper but I just do not have to talk to him ever....there is such a thing as solicitor and postal service, thats all I need. The thing is that I just feel so so angry that he could have been such a traitor, humiliating me without my knowing. I thought he was my soul mate, that he loved me, I know its all irrational and Ive read so much I know the way it really is, but I cant help feeling so let down, I was a really codie I know that, but he had absolutely no respect for me, I was living in this house with a man who hated me, I was living a lie, our marriage was a sham and Im scared to wonder at what point that happened, how much time I wasted on a man who didnt care less...why didnt he leave for good sooner, he left me often enough and came back when I begged him...this time I didnt, this time was different, I knew he was gone for good and I knew I wouldnt ever ask him to come home, ooh I feel all confused and wish my logic and understanding of this disease would finally kick in and stop me feeling emotionally abused from afar and over and over again as I find the smallest snippet is yet another example of his cruel insanity but sits like a stone, weighing me down with nowhere for it to go.. I have to rise above this, I just wish I could have some way of balancing the books..maybe my refusal of all contact is the only control or balance I will get, at least I have that. Thanks for listening to this terrible ramble, but I hate so much that he thought our life together was so terrible, when it was his drinking that was so terrible and his poisonous way of thinking...his geographical cure wont work, I hear they never do..but it wasnt me, when he wasnt drinking for six months, we had a lovely time, he has made it about me..its so unfair.. Lillyx
Sounds to me like you are, but on this day, you are at the bottom of the hill on the roller coaster ride!
I've been separated from my aH since October and I can relate to the uneven emotions. Just when I think I have it together, I crash and these new feelings and emotional collapses take place. Lately I've been trying to sort of bask in them, rather than stuff them away and look for a place to get rid of them like I used to. I purposely feel those emotions and cry when I need to (something else I wasn't always good at until I was a volcano of emotion erupting!) In a strange way, I've been enjoying "feeling" because it reassures me that I am living my reality. And for me, it's okay that my reality isn't great right now. But I do feel liberated to know that I acknowledge it, I am feeling it, and I have control over it.
I have control to make my life into what I want, regardless of what aH is doing or not doing. I haven't had that feeling of control for a long time.
This is one of the (many) devastating affects of alcoholism= inability to trust. Especially ourselves! I found after the break up of my marriage that I had gone through this process of completely undermining myself and my own instincts time and time again at every juncture- preferring denial to the truth every single time, making excuses, giving second chances, believing the lies, etc. One does that enough and you totally lose trust in YOURSELF (or at least I did) and this, I have found, is the deeper and most insidious form of not trusting- not trusting my own judgement or ability to make good choices.
Let it begin with ME (literally!).
Which is why I need a program. And HP. Which is why I admit total and complete powerlessness. I love this program which provides me with REAL SOLUTIONS and TOOLS to combat my chronic lack of trust, mainly in MYSELF. hugs, J.
Be kind to yourself. I feel they way you're feeling too (but my AH isn't quite out of the house yet - so I'm very proud of you that yours is). It's only been 5 months, and the fact that you are still married on paper may have something to do with the way you're feeling.
To Rora's point, you can't escape these feelings. Feelings have a way of getting loose and tearing into you when you least expect it. But they just need to be felt and dismissed. Things will change. You will change.
At the end of ur post u say: "... he has made it about me, its so unfair."
This is what A's do - the blame shift, blame you so he never has to face the responsibility of his own actions. It sounds as if you are taking it in a little bit as yours to own - you shouldn't - dont take that stuff - it is his stuff. Just b/c he blames you, it doesnt make it true.
As far as getting your feelings out, I highly suggest what I call "hate mail" in which u sit & write every little angry word you have for another person down, out of your heart, head & onto paper. It is a very effective release. You can write them & stick in an envelope & save for later (I used to burn mine at whatever point I was ready to ceremoniously become free of it) or u could just put it into a notebook/file. When I was younger I relaly liked doing it in my own handwriting, as that took more energy from me to write it (thinking it would get more of it out of me) but nowadays I can use the word processor to do it.
You speak eloquently about "the lie" that you now see your life was... I think ALL of us here have that in common, at some point we see the lie we are living. It is hard to take when you see this for what it is & you still are stuck in this charade. That's how it was for me... seemingly time & again with different A's. The only thing that changed that was for me to change my attitude & perspective. I had to reject all the lies & the blame - focus on me & get to loving myself (for the first time at 36 y/o). Thank god I did, I'm 41 now & my life is completely different. I no longer hear other ppl's voices in my head, trying to destroy me (literally) I can hear my own voice & it is positive & hopeful & enthusiastic even.
So I guess Im saying, dont beat yourself up for what u went through. You experienced, you learned... now u can have a totally different life/reality of your own creation.
I think 'yeah I was neglected & abused but I am not defined by my experiences' & this truth empowered me to recover, focus on me & (dammit) have my own life.
There is nothing wrong with telling these good intentioned frieds that 'hey sorry u witnessed that but I'm not really interested in hearing every hateful little thing he did or said' ~ if u think it would be better to protect yourself from it. In time, it is likely u can hear this stuff & it wont be hurtful but I know it hurts when the wound is fresh. Take care of you!
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 17th of June 2009 07:24:41 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Users and sickos and drunkers and abusers use the "its your fault" guilt trip.....they wolud rather pick up the magnifying glass and look at YOU and YOUR inventory, then the mirror and see all the stuff wrong w/them....
been there done that....that is why , thank God for program, i am not in that anymore...
I look at any person....are the more of a blessing???? or more of a curse to me???? do i have to "force" them to do what is naturally right??? for me or do they love themselves enough to share that healthy love with me?????
as to the feelings???? I FEEL.....i like kitty's "hate mail" thingy....when i first got into recovery, I wrote my father and my oldest brother a ton of those letters....burned them after a while, but kept them for a few months.....i wrote and i wrote and also, I took my tennis racquet and i beat a chair or the couch, and i cussed them and visualized that i was killing them.....i had that much rage in me
Then i cried...mostly about the abuse male parent did to me...oldest brother, i was able to "get past" way quicker....male parent took the most time......i raged and then FINALLY was able to cry....the evilness of what he did...."how could anyone DO that to a little, beautiful child".........
I think what grieved me the most was i had *expectations* of being treated like a precious gift...a human being....my *unrealistic expectations* are what got me into trouble....yea, I had the *right* to *expect* him to love and honor me and cherish me, but was it rational???? to *expect* a sociopathic demonized person to do what was RIGHT???? NO!!!! so I had to get down and re-examine my *expectations* and realize that yea, even though I had the RIGHT to *expect* to be treated right, he was not capable of doing anyone right.....
seeing it in that light helped me, a....forgive me (most victims have self blame---think they are defective to have attracted this).......b.....helped me realize that i was just in evil's path and if not me, another child.........c.....i was powerless.........d.....it was all his evil/stuff, not mine........e.....i was totally innocent and just a defenseless kid...........and LAST....he was INCAPABLE of being a decent human being---INcapable.....he COULD not do any better by ANYone......
I cannot forgive evil, but I can give the vengeance over to God and LET GO....MOVE ON......I decided to MOVE ON.....get ON with MY life.....take care of ME.......FEEL the feeligs as needed and then MOVE ON......take easy with me.....be GENTLE with me....
as to my enabaling mother??? I forgave her as she was hooked on booze, he was her supplier and she couldn't even save her self....HOW was she gonna save me???? there again, i changed my *expectations* of her....
as to oldest brother brutalizing me with help of oldest sister???? I forgave both of them, b/c they grew up with that evil male parent too...watched as I did him kill our mother....and they are not in recovery....do i hate any of them???? NO....its not worth the energy spent......do i want any of the oder siblings in my life??????NO!!! they are not nourishing to me as a human being......I occasionally talk to her, but it is on MY terms, MY time, when I feel like it and I keep her at arm's length....the brother??? I removed me from him as to "bind his evil"...he is cruel...insulting....mean....condescending.....I don't need that in my life......
I pick and choose who is in my life......they have to pass my "human decency and honour and trust" tests...otherwise they are out of my life or in one of my larger "circles around my heart" areas......
I excercise my right of CHOICE now...NOW I have a CHOICE....whom I let in??? whom I kick out??? whom i assign to what "heart circle" they get to sit on......
the ones in the smallest/closest to my heart circles are there coz they earned it......LOVE..like TRUST is EARNED.....If I find myself angry/sad/mistrusting/having to set boundaries all the time/not happy/uneasy with another, I RE-eval that relationship and I take CARE OF ME......whatever I gotta do to take care of me I am gonna do
Aloha Lilly... Recovery had some easy lessons for me and some hard ones. One of the hard ones for a while was "what another thinks about me is none of my business" and another was "words cannot hurt you unless..." still another one was "If its not true don't spend any time on it at all." Some of the others ones that were a bit easier were "Learn how to see the difference between your spouse and your alcoholic and how to identify the separate behaviors. You won't be thrown off and you will be more easily able to identify which one is in the room with you." That one helped ease the shock and confusion a lot and was much easier to work. "The alcoholic because of her reliance on alcohol is dellusional, not able to identify reality. What they do and how they do it is not real and insane." "The alcoholic needs to blame someone else, spouses and family are easiest because they are committed to the relationship either willingly or unwill- ingly and they are fearful...easy to scare and subdue (until they get a group of supporters and learn another way of living)." "The alcoholic needs to blame others because they do not have the strength or courage to accept responsibility for their own lives." "Intimidation is an alcoholic tool that keeps me out of her drinking. She drinks freely and concerns herself with ways on how to keep me blamed and afraid."
When my exwife became appropriately my alcoholic while she was practicing the disease of alcoholism, the light of my recovery went on and I went to work on my program. When I got busy...I got better. My alcoholic continued to try to blame me for up to 2 years after we separated and then others caught on. I was gone and she was more messed up than ever.
"Don't react" is my best slogan....You can have it for your own also.
JERRY___Aloha Lilly... Recovery had some easy lessons for me and some hard ones. One of the hard ones for a while was "what another thinks about me is none of my business" and another was "words cannot hurt you unless..." still another one was "If its not true don't spend any time on it at all."
#### Oh WOW!!!! hard for me too....used to obsess over what others thought, i had to really really give this over....i don't know if it was fear, or needing to be perfect....its all fear to me.....and yea, "words cannot hurt you unless" well words DID hurt me as a child b/c i did not have the *filters* that i have now...so yea, words CAN damage...even in recovery an insult a character assination remark DOES cause me now to say "STOP.....no more or I am removing me".....Words CAN hurt, however, I can filter and set boundaries and if need be, I an remove me from the toxic behaviour....... and yea, if its not true, don't spend time on it......if it was a negative, i seemd to absorb it as "maybe they are right" .........now I work step 4 and look, really look at me, if i don't see anythng??? TOSS IT OFF>..
Oh I don't know what to say....thank you, thank you all of you for your wonderful responses, it so helps to hear what you all have to say..I do have an outlet, silly me..it's here of course!...Your experiences help so much and I appreciate every single word.. Good job we have each other I say. Hugs and so many thanks again.. Lilly x
I think you spoke for all of us who have been there. I cry in shower. Let it go then I am better. My AHsober has said many times that it is you, you, you. It is the disease talking. I have my good moments and my bad moments. Take care of yourself and don't talk on all his @#$%.
Hi Tricia, thanks for your post and to everyone else once again..I dont go to f2f meetings, I find that by reading posts and venting, and the support of family and friends, that I manage ok., particularly my sister who saw how things were for me when she stayed last year.. I was the provoker, so yes I used to say things to him and was pretty bad myself, but i do see it as part of the co-dependency that I built up, he needed me to have a go, so he had an excuse to drink..!! I did say things to close friends about my relationship, same as anyone, but I was trying to hold it together, I still loved him, and protected him/defended him, rationalised his behaviour myself too...It was the talking in public to mutual friends and for anyone to hear that upset me...they were also unkind school yard comments, designed to belittle and make me out to be boring, cramping his style etc etc. Sad....But interestingly I feel much more tolerant of others now and feel that this has been a real learning curve and still is...I have also allowed myself to be vulnerable and my friendships have really blossomed since my AH left. There are good things that are happening to me, I just get days when Ive heard a new thing that I get angry again...thats why I vent and all you lovely people help me through it and to understand it and allow me to feel that way. Thank you.
Lillyx 
