The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
due to some crazy scheduling, i haven't been to a f2f in over a week and i won't be able to until saturday morning. but part of me wonders WHY i should go. please, remind me?
my AH and i are over. he JUST got into AA (11 days sober) and told me last night that he can't promise he can even try to work on our marriage. this is after he came to me and asked to work on our marriage in counseling. he has said everything else that alludes to it but not "it's over". i think he wants me to say it so that he can not be accountable or responsible for such a huge decision.
i fought for 5 years for our relationship. i always thought that he was worth it. he always assured me that he wanted to be married, too. but now he can't even commit to TRYING. he says he has to work on himself. it's clear that even though he says he loves me, he really doesn't know what adult love is.
so if we're over, why should i keep going to al-anon? i think i know the answer, but i wanted to hear your stories with keeping the program after your relationship with the A has ended.
well... if u dont face your issues, i promise you will get the same problems in a new relationship... they dont get better either, they usually get bigger or more complicated. Take a look at your dating/relationship time line & see if u can see any themes that carry over.
Al-anon has helped me to see that working on me is worth it... the changes I have made are invaluable. I obsessed 24/7 & never ever thought I could achieve any semblence of "serenity" - I really thought I was destined to suffer. I have found that through changing my attitude & perspective that the world is a gracious wonderous place - not a place to be punished & suffer in silence in.
A member here told me, to try it & see, prove him wrong in other words & that appealed to me, so I tried it... I surrendered to the simplicity of the program. Even though I thought it was too simple to work, I tried it & low & behold... I was the common element in my life... I changed & so did everything else in my life.
Reality is no longer something I am resisting or trying to escape. Today I am grateful & have peace of mind & I live in the now. Today I am a happy person & I am completely different.
I guarantee you will find all the same miseries out there & then some if u choose to walk away from al-anon. If you work the program, it works - plain & simple.
For some of us the motivation to "get revenge" is to live well & recover in spite of our A's. Serentiy is priceless & so is the self discovery you gain working a program. You are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
i hope i don't sound combative about the program, that's not my intention. i'm a believer in the program; i really recognize my own codependency issues and i think al-anon can help. my current AH is not the first alcoholic i've been in a long term relationship with (but hopefully the last). i do need the program. i think i can benefit from it.
In reading your post, I find that I can relate to your aH.
I've been committedly learning about and working an alanon program since January. What I find is that I have great confusion. Some days I am perfectly certain that I am going to divorce my aH, from whom I've been separated since October. Other days, I can't fathom the idea of living permanently apart for the rest of our lives. Some days I miss him so terribly. Other days I can't even handle the sound of his voice.
I am very VERY confused. With the help of a sponsor I am realizing that I really have nothing to offer that "healthy" relationship that I so badly want and fantasize about.
Further to that, even trying to have a romantic relationship with my aH, is unfair to him. I don't feel that it is okay to put him through the emotional ringer that I have been experiencing myself, which is exactly what would happen should I try to satisfy my own selfish needs.
I too have told my aH that I cannot even entertain the idea of a relationship right now, I really have nothing to offer. I am focusing on myself and trying to get to know myself a little better right now.
I am already learning that the deep fear and anxiety and derailments that I felt and blamed my aH for, have been a result of my own choices and my own issues.
I believe that I need this time to put myself back together and figure out what I want and who I am. It won't be until then I will I have anything to offer anyone else.
Alanon is helping me to do that...helping me to build a better life.
Oh when I break up w/something/one i need my program MORE....to get at the issues that kept me there, so i don't repeat the patterns
i got into recovery after my last divorce...if i were to get another mate, i would hope it is when i am HEALTHY..
Any change and life offers em up each day, makes me see that i have to be in my program
its like a muscle in my body...ok, i go to the gym..work out...get into good shape, and then what??? quit and lay on the couch and let me atrophy again???? naaaw, its *maintenance*....i gotta KEEP my emotional sobriety by working on me each day...
i don't want to go back to teh old sicko patterns that life stinks, life is a problem, i am cursed , life is a threat and i am just here to survive it, old victim thinking, obsessing about stuff, irrational fears, i had it all and they still creep in if i don't focus on ME, take care of ME..work on ME ...maintain ME......
i think this is a lifetime comittment...life is so complicated now, w/technology and just everything...w/out my program i couldn't handle some of the stuff thta comes at me.....
life is better, i have more hope, i see better situations and conditions in my life b/c i THINK diferent...so therefore, i am planting better seed and thus better harvest....
even if things are going so good i can't believe it i gotta surrender that b/c "this also will pass"...its up and down in life....program keeps me level....
i hope this post made sense, i am in tons of pain from back spasm and its hard to sit, take care
I'm two years out of a relationship well actually two and a half. I woudl highly recommend al anon regardless of the state of your relationship. I well remember trying to the point of being on my knees. I also remember that the ex A always claimed to not care. When I left him the issue was that he did care but didn't know how to. I firmly believe its pretty hard to get rid of an alcoholic. Early sobriety isnt pretty. I think many of us have such illusions about the A getting sober and everything being fine while many many people really stumble and struggle early on in sobriety.
I know I also settled for having a relationship where I did all the work. I had my reasons. Al anon helped met to explore those and detach. None of that came overnight. Whether or not your separate al anon can be a huge bonus for you I think its well worth pursuing.
Why should I keep going to Al-Anon hmmmmmm lets see . ask yourself if you like yourself better than u did prior to getting here , do u treat other people with respect , do u treat yourself with respect today have u made new friends ? the list is long but I will stop here . Your husb is newly sober and he is Stark Raving Sober he is learning how to live sober , over but not over yeah that sounds about right , I don't want to give u false hope but hang in there keep going to meetings get to know yourself , give him a few months to get the bugs out of his head .befor making any life altering decissions . Al Anon is about u for you has nothing to do with him . U will choose another alcoholic if you don't contine with your own recovery . i's quite frankly scarry. remember the line that if u decide to leave our program your misery will be refunded . ugh Stay , u can't let this disease claim another victim . YOU
thank you for sharing these stories. i told a girlfriend tonight that i was going to keep going to al anon because i think it will help me separate from him (because i really think that's what i need to do for my own health) and because i need to know why/how i got here and how not to get here again.
maresie, you mention that you believe that it's hard to get rid of an alcoholic... i sense that. even after all of his "i can't do this, i don't know how, i can't even try..." last night, he was on google chat this afternoon, asking me all sorts of things and sharing the little minutia of his day. i couldn't believe it. this is going to be difficult. i'm glad for the stories, the reaffirmations of what the program is about and that it works.
In one way, he is right-- he does need to figure himself out before he can really begin to make any major decisions. Not that I don't sympathize with you, because I do. The boy and I are no longer together because he needs to take some time to get himself sorted out. We both feel it was the only healthy thing he could do right now, and it gives me the space to heal and to work my program hard.
Do you need to make a decision right now? Do you have to decide right now if it's over or not? It's surely not fun to be stuck in limbo (and I'm speaking from experience), but perhaps everyone could use a little time to regroup before they decide how to move forward?
It has been 11 months since I lost my beloved Tim. I didn't think I would need it either after he passed. But I was so wrong. Initially it helped me get through those first few weeks by having my loving family here surround me. No one else could possibly understand what it is like to suffer a loss like this.
Now I stay in order to keep my Alanon tools sharp and at the ready. One never knows when you might need them. I consider these life long tools. Not just tools to deal with addiction and recovery. I do this for me. That's why I stay. Love and blessings to you and your family. See you on Twitter!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I do not have an active alcoholic in my life. I divorced my ex and I have no contact with him. My mother is insane but not an A. I have 3 young kids who have been effected by this disease. And I grew up in an A home. My issues surrounding alcohol haven't ended just because I divorced the A.
I still keep coming because this program gives me a new way to live. MY life. It gives me new perspectives on my problems. It gives me a place with people who "get it".
I have been effected by the family disease of Aism. I could live in a cabin in the middle of the woods all alone and STILL need alanon. It really has not a thing to do with anyone in my life, it is all for me.
serendipity, your share is really helpful. when i met AH, i told him in no uncertain terms that i would not marry another alcoholic. and then i did. i guess i'm only starting to comprehend the effects of the disease on families. and i would like to not repeat this with someone else.
i also want to understand what's normal, social drinking and what isn't. i know what it is for myself, but i'm going to need the tools to understand it about others i am friends and new people that i might want to become friends and more-than-friends with.
