The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My disease is powerful. It's symptoms can return at any moment. My Abf has been back up North with his family working on a project. I have had an abstract fear that he may have gotten involved again with some of his "Friends" that he once used drugs and drank with. I have that itchy feeling that he has been relapsing. This is NOT my business, but I feel a sort of panic at what step I will take if this is true. It's almost pressing.
The truth is: I love this man so very much and had wanted to marry and spend my life with him. The recovery HIM. I feel that I have been watching him relapse for a time now.
I am working Step One. I am powerless over the A (Others) and my life has become unmanageable.
Not to mention that at work it has been utter and complete chaos. Honestly, I have never seen anything like what I've been encoutering with my tenants at my job. Being screamed at all day, people refusing to leave the office. I almost took to whining yesterday because there wasn't a thing I could do for this tenant regarding her business matters yet, she was relentless.
Other people's behavior, opinions, goals, actions, reactions - all things I cannot control. I'm not sure whether I'm ready to leave or stay with regards to my relationship. That NEED TO KNOW what is going on with him is eating away at me.
I will get to meetings and talk to my sponsor. Thanks for letting me share!
that is honestly all u can do - detach from what he is or is not doing, u cant help, control or change his behavior but u can focus on you & change your attitude & perspective.
I used to do property management too, it can be brutal - I know u may feel for these people but again, you can only do what u can do & detach from the rest. Learning to detach is serious work but well worth the effort - otherwise all u do is feel out of control, helpless & crazy.
Keep working your program & focus on you, then what u want & need to do will become more evident in time. Always remember that if you decide to stay with your beloved A, know that slips are a part of the recovery process. It gives an opportunity for us (&/or them) to re-affirm we really do want recovery or not.
I may sound like a broken record but focusing on you & detaching is how serenity is acheived and it absolutely is possible.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The title of this thread caught my attention. I am brandnew to this board.
To be short, my father in law is a "dry" alcoholic, he has caused tremendous pain within my husbands family, and in extension now my family with my husband. My h and I have had a strained marriage, throughout most if its 20+ years...which recently I came to understand had a great deal to do with unresolved ACOA issues.. mostly on my h's side, althougt I do not claim to come from a perfect family either. For many years, I went to counselling - I could NOT figure out what was wrong, I kept looking inside myself for answers, for a reason my life was so insane, why I was ALWAYS wrong....
several years ago, my mother in law suggested I go to al - anon. I did, for about a year, and it was very illuminating. It helped to a degree - although the group I saw did not have anyone else who, like me, was there in regards to a non-blood relative. I did not tell my h, as at the time, I was pretty sure it would not be well received.
Well, things became so unmanageable, I at last detached from my h and his family. I had to. I have 4 children. I have tried to maintain a fair balance of acknowledging the elephant in the living room, and not making it their responsibility to deal with it. My h was outraged at my detachment, so I told him he had to get some counselling of his own, or I would leave. So he did. He went to counselling and gained some insight into himself, his behaviour, and his family dynamics. He was also referred to al anon. He is now going quite often. I support this whole heartedly. He has embraced looking after himself. This is good. He has acknowledged that his past has affected him, and his relationship with me. He has acknowledged the turmoil our lives have been, and actuallly said that his group called it "the insanity".
I understand all of it. I get it. But when I had to detach and look after myself, he called me selfish and self centered. I was accused of putting myself before the relationship. So I tried to find a balance. Now that he is in group, he is not interested in the relationship, but is looking after himself. I still don't do anything right....
I need some guidance here....I am trying to care for myself, and remain detached, yet connected enough to keep a dialogue going. Even if only to provide a sane place for the kids to inhabit, so they don't carry any barrage forward.
I am exhausted. I don't know from one day to the next if I am part of a couple in recovery, or a soloist finding her own way.
Sorry your having a slow go of things.. .I too have had a "Worrisome" week, and most of mine is self inflicted I believe... I am ALOT harder on myself then I ever could be another human being... And sometimes I pay the price for that in more ways then one...
I am with Ms. Kitty... Detach Detach Detach... I know with me, I have to repeat the serenity prayer Many Many Many times a day, somedays just to see it thru...
And when I am stressed by my job I try to remember the ones that do not have one right now, due to the way of the world, and count my blessing that I at least have one... I don't do property management, but I do deal with the public, and customers daily, some can be quite bruital.. And since I started Al-anon, Somedays I would like to ask them if maybe they should look into a 12 step program to release some of their anger, but then I would most likely not have any customers...lol...
Hang in there your doing great... One Moment at a Time is all we can make it thru sometimes, and I just have to remind myself to SLOW DOWN, Easy Does it... Till I can swim back up to the top of my own list of things to take care of ....
In the beginning, I kinda worked steps 1,2 and 3 together. Recognizing that I am powerless was one thing, but I needed to get to WHO had all the power, and believe that this power absolutely loved me and would take care of me if I let go of my marriage. I needed to have this hope. And then, step 3, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to His care... total trust. (Or practice this kind of trust, sometimes that's all I could do is "practice.") I let go of my resistance and my 26 year marriage ended. I stopped the struggle and my insistence that it had to work out for me to be happy.
I stayed in steps 1, 2 and 3 the whole time as my divorce ran its course.
Asking myself "what is the worst that can happen, helped me. In the end, I realized that no matter what, I would be okay if I stayed with HP and kept trusting. It is a choice I get to make every day. Today, my happiness is dependent on my relationship with HP, not on another human being.
It's very interesting, we get so concerned about whether or not THEY are relapsing, and on their recovery. Turn the mirror... that is the relapse we can do something about, that is the recovery we can work on.
Grab your HP's hand, you will be just fine. No matter what he is doing. Get still and FEEL HP's presence. Find something you like to do that FEELS good to YOU. Move in that direction instead today. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
this is something maybe you need to think about re: marrying him.....Do you want to commit to somone who is so high risk for relapses on drinking?????
Just a thought.....I would work the program for all its worth. i am reading your post and see that you know the "drill" you know what is goin on and what you need to do to take care of you
love is not enough....i know..married 2 of them and left them both......folks have to be "evenly yoked" for the relationship to work out.....boundaries observed and drinkers/users break boundaries all the time....i just got tired of competing w/the drinking and the screwy sick behaviour.....
that is your decision of course, and i too was in prop mgt, as accountant and yea, its rough...you got crazy tenants "going off on you" and you got a/bf pushing you
i would never commit to a drinker/user again...that is me....i am so busy working on me and the patterns i have that are NOT what i want, rooting out the cause of them, so i do not repeat the same painful mistakes, getting into sick relationships, bad choices....etc.....
i hope you work on YOU...HIS life is HIS responsibility....I see from your post you are willing to LET GO...DETACH......
it would make me sad to have to detach all the time from someone....my eldist sister is a "dry drunk" i found myself having to detach so much, i ??? my relationship with her...middle sis wrote her off...too much bs in her life....i am putting eldist sis on the outter circles of my life...not writing her off, but not , anymore letting her too close as i always get hurt......folks who are not stable, healthy, there for me most of the times (within human limits) actions not matching their words, if they are more of a pain then blessing, i RE-eval the relationship and make decision, do i need to walk away, remove me from the pain???? OR do i just put them in one of the outter circles around my heart and just communicate once in a while w/them....
life is too short for me to "buy" pain...there is enough pain coming at me w/out my going out and purchasing it...
take care of YOU..ok???? I see you are working your program from your post....keep up the good work
I read a book on addiction recently and the inabilty to create a sober environment was huge in the chance of relapse. The ex A I was with (who never wanted to be sober) surrounded himself with addicts. I had no ability to set limits then. Now I do.
I would get absolutely subsumed with work, life issues and not be able to set limits with the ex A. I know for me these days there is absolutely no question I could even be in a friendship with an active A. I can speak cordially to them but friendship not anymore. I'm not even wiling to go to that length.
I hope you will be able to find detachment. Detaching was so key for me in being around difficult people (I am surrounded by them). I also found setting my own goals of what I needed and working towards them a great great distraction.
