Called to talk to AH who lives with this female who is old and in her day was not known for being a nice,clean, person. Meaning she was a free love kinda gal.

He was not there so we talked. Got an earful from the start. She says,"I wish he would go to rehab or jail." He is breaking everything and does not replace it. hmmmI have two glass doors that are not fixed yet.

"I wish he would stop sleeping on the couch, I cannot get anything done." I am not paying his bills, I make him pay for his court bills and probation bills.

And on and on. and I thought, well be careful what you ask for . Actually I did feel for her. She said all her hair fell out from stress. What is weird is when he was at an awful bottom before, she had him move in, so she knows. But he is much worse now.

I really did get into this talk. It felt really good. I laughed and told her how I could in no way live with him. And NO way would I lose my hair becuz of a disease!

Also got in there,"well if he left he would have no where to go!" It was a real interesting phone convo.

I did say well no wonder he is so sick, I don't know how he made it this far with Hep. C. She says what? I said it again. She asked me did he tell you or did the doctor?

I said I got the results from the doc. and I got tested.

Apparently he told her there was no trace of it. NOT good. She said that is why I go to all his doc app. as he lies.

It was an eye opener for me that it did not hurt my stomach, I did not feel bad at all.

Was more concerned that the disease seems to take more and more of him that I never even thought about. I mean now it has taken his mouth and tongue, he has a bad fungal thing.

Sounds like if he needs serious care at the end, which may take awhile and is now, she will be happy for me to bring him home. Which I may still do. But then I would have to keep him in the barn as I don't want my animas unhappy.giggle

Al anon teaching me to let go, detach, 3 c's, serenity prayer, faith from hp have made me be able to not take any of this personal, to see my AH as a very sick diseased man. And feel empathy for the gal that took him in.

It is amazing. really amazing.

Went to doc. been in pain,new one, pelvic tendon. My bP was 143/100!  He said it was from my fighting the pain. I had lost nine more pounds. That is 25 in less than a year. So my changing so many  things, the bad fat is dropping off.

I am suppose to take more pain pills. Told me exercise is like massaging my joints. that is why it is important to exercise when you have arthritis. hmmm

I rode my horse all over the mountain,expected to be in pain the next day, and felt better!


Plus living in pain usually makes it harder to accept my AH's shinanigans, more his diseases shinanigans.

But it hasn't.

I still want to kidnap him with handcuffs and drag him up the mountain!   I could even blind fold him and take him up behind my place and he would have NO Idea. lol

I know get over the fantasy.. I reallllly want to do it!~ If I had someone to stay at my house to care for my animal family I would do it.

Would never bring him here. My home is mine now. He has not even seen any of the furniture I have been gathering for 6 months. Hey I am a scavenger of CList. Everything is almost brand new, $100 nice leather couch, had one stain that is now gone! neat green double recliner, lane for $50  looks new, neat tv for $25 It is on this base so it swivels. Is I think from the eighties and is great! 

Just got these really cool hard metal curly kinda India looking shelves for $25 a piece.
A    neat rocking leather automan for ten bucks as I don't use the recliners cuz of little fluffball puppies! I kept two...Brimley and Pabu, Pabu is Puffball in Tibetan.

Doing for me feels natural again. I don't miss him anymore at all. This is familiar now.

Painting my interior, am right now almost done putting tongue and groove half way up my hallway walls. I love it. Have some neat cedar fence boards that are wide I am putting on the walls in the kitchen. 

Keep thinking how interesting how the A disease just makes every piece of a person be quiet. I thought it killed me. Was so afraid when I did not care about gardening, puppies, kittens, friends, the sky! That was very low. Plus I always say my eyebrows are unforgiveable when the disease overtakes me. Now i take care of my face.

Even got some of that neat mineral make up!

Alanon  teaching to take care of us, also for me spills out that I feel better so it is easier to do for others too. "Love our neighbors as ourself."  From the Bible but even if it was not it would sure make things better!

I honestly KNOW my hp, the creator, led me here. We really can learn to take one day at a time, not be anxious, not worry. Love ourselves enough to realize we cannot control anyone else.

We can love our A's but hate the disease, and be able to let them go to do what ever they do and don't judge them,but have empathy for them.

Also I believe they do love, they do care, they don't love like I do. but they are still human. I believe they are sooo self absorbed partially becuz they cannot take it if they make mistakes. They have NO real confidence at all. I am so confidant that I could not care any less if I goof, or if someone wants to blame me for the mess in New Orleins,   go ahead. (I say that becuz back then they were trying to blame this one man for being so slow to help)

All I care about is how HP sees me.

But an A is always in pain, always not comfortable in their skin. Cannot take the pain of grief, loss of a job, life. So they numb it away. Not being an A I want. and have experienced about everything. Some pretty horrible things too. We grow from experience, The A doesn't.

So of course when they are sober they are a mess with out a program. They wake up and feel alllll that stuff they should have gone thru and matured. Can you imagine being 14 when you started using, and waking at 36 with a job,wife, kids, bills, economy the way it is, loss of your mother, a friend, etc?  Becuz in reality  you think like a 14 year old.

My A finally go to about age 21 when he was sober for that long while.

But after surgery he medically relapsed only to, have his father die, his best friend, more best friends, his brother was HUGE. He lost me, his son, his home, work tools, van, respect, his own career he built as a remodel contractor! Lost his dog, cloths everything even his toothbrush. Mom in nursing home.

Does he want to wake up? Are you kidding? If I did really wake up whatever is left of him, would that be cruel? Becuz I would do it for me not him.

Al Anons truths are amazing. They will work for anyone, any religion, any color anyone everyone.

The last few months I realized Al Anon taught me how to be me again. I am me now. Not damaged, just more wise. (wise A my friend would say...)  (@:

Comfortable in my own skin, with all its imperfections. I love my A so very much

In my belief, owning this,  at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8    is how I know love. And one that touches me is, Love does not keep account of the injury. I don't. I know it is a disease, I love my A. I forgive it all, and am thankful for all the wonderful loving things he did for me.

Same o but bringing me home his whole van full of flowers, trees, bushes everything for me! Starting my jeep in the morn for work. always calling me if he was a bit late, always made up before sleep, always hug when we parted to go somewhere, showers together, i would tell him not to look at me...haha making our bed together while our ginger cat winnie would jump on it and chase our hands, dragging him outside to be together under the stars, he brought me an anitque tea pot,natural jewelry, pig things,  a ring that was so small it did not fit. lol he said well it is a six! lol I wear a 7 1/2.

So many many neat marriage things. so many. I was given a gift.

So there is my progress to now.

John really does not realize what this spot can do for us. I know what it does for me. I pray that everyone who comes in, stays long enough to "get it" and allow us to help each other.

Love and puppy breath, debilyn