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First time poster. This is a wonderful site I just found . . . and need.
My A wife has been heavily drinking for 4 years. She just returned from rehab in Ca. after 30 days. She returned a different person, and not for the better. She is still drinking and I have a very strong suspicion that she is having an affair with one of the men she met at the rehab. In addition to many clues I have about the affair, she is distant, cold, and non-caring.
In addition to everything else, she wants to go out of town for a week "to clear her mind" but I'm quite certain that it will be as a rendevous with this guy.
I am really shell shocked. Feel like I've been sucker punched after keeping the family together for so long. (We have two beautiful children).
I don't know what to do! Please help. If I press things I feel it will only make things worse but I cannot stand the thought of being dragged along. She has claimed over and over that there is nothing to it and that he is a good friend, but there are way too many clues.
Just keep coming back, keep posting. Take care of yourself first and formost. If you go insane, who will be there for your kids. I am so very sorry you are going thru this. Personally, the affairs my ex had devestated me worse than the drug abuse. Do you go to f2f meetings?
Remember, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Be strong.
FIRST I am very sorry for your situation..... SECOND I am truly glad you came here for help
Remember this fact----- You did not CAUSE her drinking/ you cannot CONTROL her drinking and , last you cannot CURE her drinking...
Also, the "cheating"....IF this is true, you need to further take care of you and remove yourself, emotionally and physically from her UNTIL you know for sure IS she or IS she NOT cheating?????
This is serious....It has potential harm to you re: sexually transmitted diseases.....drinkers and users and not careful about their sex habits and can get diseases and pass them along
my alkie brother had a LOVELY lady, live in situation, we had hoped he would settle down and marry her...she was a bit older, not the brightest bulb in the box, but she offered him stability....security.....love...friendship....stuff he thew away, time after time over his screwed up behaviour....well low and be hold he went out and "randevoused" with another and got HERPES on his genitles and his eye......We found out the next day he had cheated....of course we didn't know about the herpes, but we knew about the cheating ......we told "M"......She kicked him out...that was the last straw........later on, he had a "break out".....HERPES.....genitials and eye.......this is NOT curable......"M" was grateful that she "cut him off and kicked him out" re: the cheating, otherwise SHE would have caught HIS disease.......
You have a lot on your place.....
I strongly urge you to get a sponsor........get into the meetings on line here or face to face in your area and get books on the 12 steps so you can learn to take care of YOU..........
She has been drinking for 4 years, and thus, you have been affected by her "ISMS" for at least that long....her behaviour has impacted you and I hope you will --TAKE CARE OF YOU-----
You cannot help her.....and if you don't help you, things will really fall apart.....as long as you "hold her up over that hole she dug for herself"....YOU will be absorbing her problems and SHE will not have any, thus she won't be facing the consequences for her actions......In other words, from past experience, SHE made her bed....the best thingyou can do is LET HER LAY IN IT.....let HER suffer the consequences for her OWN stuff while YOU take care of YOU....
You came here......GREAT start......Now lets go to step 2 and that is a sponsor......meetings..........12 steps recovery work with al-anon approved literature......
Like serendipity said "keep comign back....keep posting....take care of YOU FIRST and FORMOST".........and yes, if you go nuts......WHO will be there for the kids????
Its emergency care time!!!! drinking...abuse, verbally I am sure, and possible adultery......YOU need YOU....the KIDS need YOU!!!! I would remove myself from her, whether its temporary for her to see her consequences and maybe repent , or permanent as NOONE should be in this type of situation long term.....You gotta make that choice.....
Whatever you do, leave or stay (re: her) you gotta for your OWN and the CHILDREN....TAKE care of YOU!!!!!
Glad you came out and shared.......Just keep coming back.....
I agree with serendipity keep coming back! It will help. My A had an affair so I can relate to what you are going throug if this is what your A is doing.
I guess one thing I have learned is if my A was going to do something with this other women and I tried to stop him he would just find a different day to do it. It was possible I could stop him for a hour, day or week, but nothing for good. And while doing this it only hurt ME more. I had to let it go. I can't help, fix, change or cure him. And if I chose to try to do any of those it is only going to negatively affect me so why should I bother anymore?
I don't bother anymore and I am doing SOOO MUCH better.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Unless you let her own/take responsibility for her own stuff, there is NO hope for her to "turn away from" this now potentially dangerous behaviour (cheating)....I would detach physically and emotionally while I took care of me/kids....Let her fend for herself and , trust me, the truth WILL come and the truth will set you free.......
It hurts, I know, but there is nothing you can do about her and her deeds.....Nothing.....
step 1 .............i am powerless over another step 2..............there is a power that can restore me to sanity..there is a better way step 3..............why don't I Let go...let God or whatever power I embrace take it from here AS I take care of ME.....and stick to the stuff I CAN take care of
What this means is it is time for me to do MY job and know that her life is HER job and for me to take my hands off her "load" and carry my OWN "load".....
Get to al-anon meetings, study the literature... learn to detach lovingly from ur wife's behavior, what she is or is not doing. You need to get some recovery for you and you will become healthier for your kids... the emulate us.
I grew up in this dysfunction - it would have been so much better ot have had a parent willing to get into program & teach me how to cope life & not feed into the disease through enabling.
Al-anon is for us, to get recovery from the family disease of addiction. Feeding into her "stuff & behavior" will only give the disease power over you. Focus on you & what empowering thing u can do to better ypour life today.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
GL---I am happy you found this message board. It has been a great help to me; that plus my face to face al-anon meetings. It is important you go. It is a great source of strength. Get as much literature that you can get your hands on.
I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I agree with the others; you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You need to take care of yourself, so you can be there for your wonderful children.
Keep coming back here. There are alot of wonderful and caring people here who will be willing to listen to you.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
What can I do " please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself quick , u need to understand about this disease , u will find people who truly understand what u are going thru and understand completely the dilema u find yourself in . As to h er comming home a diff person , you bet . She is sober and scared - living sober is not easy for either of you , Al-Anon will help u with that . hopefully she will attend AA for herself but there is nothing u can do about that either her choice . This is a disease and it's progressive and has many nasty side effects . We had a part in the mess- I did all the wrong things for the right reasons . in our program we keep the focus on us * for a change * and not on the alcoholic ,change what we can , OURSELVES. Don't give up yet there is always hope . Let go of your fears and recover . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 14th of June 2009 02:47:53 PM
I've never been a jealous person and perhaps she is not having an affair, but the clues indicate otherwise. I agree with Serendepity, an affair would hurt me more than the alcoholism.
I will go to my 1st Alanon meeting this coming Wed and I've just started therapy. I'm going to conquer this situation! If not for my marriage, then for myself. I'm scared of course but I have to be strong for the kids.
I'm a voracious reader and I'm getting my hands on all the relevant books I can. There's a great book by Deepak Chopra called The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. It's short and I believe all of us could gain some insight from it. There's even a law of detachment!
I've never been a jealous person and perhaps she is not having an affair, but the clues indicate otherwise. I agree with Serendepity, an affair would hurt me more than the alcoholism.
I would follow my instincts ...and yea, it can hurt worse than the alcoholism b/c your talking potential diseases....not to mention broken trust......hang in there
I'm a Deepak fan & have that one. I like E Tolle power of now & new earth books as they focus on spirituality & reality/now. This is all we have & it's been very liberating to get focused on now. I used to obsess about the past & would project on the future.
Read Getting the Sober - it seems to be the most useful one in early recovery from the situation. We all need to deal with our unresolved emotions & we tend to have lots of those when we first arrive.
Good for you for wanting alanon for YOU - it's what it's all about. If you arent healthy & able to cope, your kids wont learn how to be. They will emulate you. My mom also never conveyed self love to me & as an ACoA (adult child of addict/alcoholic) it was difficult to figure out on my own. I hope when I have kids I can model self love as a means of self respect & self preservation. I didnt have that before.
The way you will be strong for ur kids, is to be the heatlhiest you, you can be. It's important you speak honestly with them too. Feelings are hard to understand as a kid & when u get some guidance there it makes a gigantic difference.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Glad you are here in al anon. I came into these rooms totally obsessed with the now ex A. I had to learn how to detach. Whatever your wife is doing and early sobriety can not look that great to us, you can do little to change her at this point. If you learn some of the tools of al anon you will have a better bargaining chip. I hope you will join us.
You could bring up the suspicion of the "intimate physical relationship" with another patient with the recovery facility. That is a break in accepted medical practices for which they are responsible (have worked in the industry).
Alcoholics and addicts (and not only them) have tons of options on how to calm raging complusions; some are acceptable and many not. Out of marriage and inspite of marriage sexual affairs are one of the ways they try to fill the need. The disease of compulsion/addiction is about sickness and fulfilling the need. That is normal. Living in a rational, reasonable, balanced, responsible, supportive manner is not. Learn about and expect the dysfunction and the question why goes away.
Only one of the things that worked for me that I learned from inside of the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups was to stop pressing and investigating and to get quiet. Attend meetings and listen and learn so that my understanding would increase and in time I could see better to do better for myself. Surely one of the emotional and mental consequences of being in a relationship with an addict and/or alcoholic is lonliness. It's a killer spiritually.
I'm here to fix me after all everyone of my relationships licensed or not have been with alcoholic/addicted women. That became my most important WHY!!
Stick around; keep coming back and take the suggestions or follow thru on them. Get to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. Get and read as much literature from the meetings as you can on alcoholism and... Listen to the stories in side of the meetings. Learn the steps, traditions and slogans and then after 90 days if you still feel that Al-Anon is not for you...you can go anywhere else for help including your own old habits. You get your miseries back!!
I pray you stick around and learn that what is offered here works and is real. We know it is from our own experiences.
