The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realize that this is a journey and its going to be a looooong one, a life long one and I've spent hours today reading this board and learning soooo much and I'm thankful for every single letter, word, sentence and post that you all have taken your time to write and to help others! I am wondering if there are people on this board who are way beyond me and are living in that place where their A is in long term, good recovery and doing well and they don't have to deal with the drama on a day to day basis???? Is there such a thing as a "success story", or is it just constantly evolving? Amy
I'm a newbie, so technically, I personally am saying not yet, but in my f2f meetings I have amazing people who seem to really have it together. I'm assuming that they are there for themselves and I think all their A's are "in program" but they still go.
I love hearing them speak because there is so much insight and wisdom. Last week one of our long term members spoke an she said, "You cant live in the what if, " and that hit home for me, because that's exactly what I've been doing.
I think some people really absorb this program easy and then there are people like me who know they need to be here, but hit a brick wall getting here.
the only "success story" is WITHIN our own hearts...and it manefests in our lives in that we feel peace...freedom...in charge of our choices...we are owning our selves........we are not in charge of, in control of, responsible for another's failure or "sucess" as you put it...
I see lots of sucess stories where the non drinker, in recovery , has learned that they are ONLY responsible for their OWN lives....its like "ok, i know where I end and you begin in this".....
its called learning of proper boundaries.......not enabling another, helping when it is out of the heart, not forced, and it is productive, assisting one who is helpless at that particular time, not *enabling* one who CAN take responsibility for their life
if the drinker gets into recovery and stays there, yea, it could be b/c non drinker let him/her suffer the consequences of their deeds and non drinker removed themselves from abusive/dangerous behaviour and left the drinker with knowledge that "you want to drink??? fine, but you make your bed...you lay in it".....
so the sucess stories , in my take, for me is MY owning ME...MY feelings...MY choices....MY attitudes....MY behaviours and coming to know what I WILL accept and what I WONT accept....and standing to it.....
yea, i think I am "making it" slowly, and this is a journey, never a destination.....i am "making it" b/c I am here....working on the only thing I can change and that is ME.....I am making it b/c I allow the other to own their own life/lives and suffer their own consequences and make their own choices.....its up to me whether or not I want them inside my fences or outside.......fences have gates and they swing both ways.....i see that now....I see that I am beginning to OWN me and my life.....
so yea, everyone here who is seriously "taking care of their own hearts/lives" is a sucess story.....the ones who are not quitting/giving up on THEMSELVES....the ones who know what is their job and what is not.....the ones who are allowing the other to make their own choices b/c if we try to control/change/enable another??? we render them powerless and there is NO hope for them to take responsibility for their actions b/c they are not being allowed to "reap what they sow".........
yea, I see a lot of success stories when I read posts of how a woman or man took care of themselves....
owned their feelings but didn't let those feelings take charge
accepted when it was time to remove themselves from harm (physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritual) , permanently or for a while and DID IT!!!!
accepted that they cannot cause one to drink/misbehave...they cannot control another and they cannot change another and thus they detached and let the other sink or swim on their OWN steam....
began to become more self aware and to love that self---assets and liabilities..
stopped giving their mind over to another and stood up for their values/ needs etc.
so yea, i see a lot of "sucess stories" here on this board
Just my take, please use what you can and leave the rest....
"You cant live in the what if, " and that hit home for me, because that's exactly what I've been doing.
I think some people really absorb this program easy and then there are people like me who know they need to be here, but hit a brick wall getting here.
oh yea, I "what if" me to DEATH...I am glad i am not alone in this....i think it goes back to the horrible "concentration camp" atmosphere in my childhood home....we never knew who was gonna survive through the day.....really, peace even was uneasy, b/c all of a sudden things could explode into violence....with a drunk for a mom and a sociopath for a father, yea, i learned the "what if" b/c in those days, i had to "prepare" for the worst b/c it usually happened...
don't worry about the brick wall...some stuff I am a coconut head...other stuff, i get on pretty quick...this is not a race...not a competition....what may be easy for you may be hard for me and vice versa.....we are all different and unique in our recovery....God made us wonderfully different so we could LEARN with and from each other....
I think the "what if" I am struggling with the most is "what if I say or do the wrong thing and that sparks and undesired outcome". Which I already know is the wrong thinking because as you all have already told me, I am not powerful enough to do that, LOL....
Welcome and have you read the "progress not perfection part"? When I loss the fear of being human and making mistakes even in relationship in the disease of alcoholism I shut my eyes and put my hands over my ears and when I reopened my eyes and uncovered my ears there was no smoke and all rocks and buildings were still standing and I had not heard the explosion.
I have the ability to make mistakes but will never make one if I don't make a choice. I have to and want to make choices for myself without fearing other peoples judgement. So it's fear that has to go replaced with the grace of knowing that I am doing the very best I can at the time with what I have. I am not alone ever. There are others here with me all doing the best they can with what they have. We do good, we celebrate it. Not as good we learn that maybe given the exact same event with our newer hingsight we will do better...and then maybe not.
Here is an acronym I learned for the word fear (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. Most of what I fear or feared was based upon false evidence only fearful thoughts, it wasn't real. I've made mistakes and at times no one noticed or if they did; didn't care or blame or made excuses for me. Wow!!
You are here now...welcome to family. You are not alone and you are among your peers; probably why you felt comfortable enough to open the door and come in...huh?
If you are here because someone else's drink is having a bad affect on your life; let us know and the suggestions will become a great big, cooling, cleansing waterfall. You get to choose what part you want and save the rest for later.
I think success depends on how you personally define it. My beloved Tim passed away almost a year ago. His sobriety was up and down. But I consider myself a success story because I was able to handle things when he was drinking and when he was sober. Yes, there are plenty of success stories where there is long term sobriety. But there are also plenty of success stories where the isn't sobriety. Just because there is sobriety doesn't mean the situation is perfect. There can still be plenty of "isms" that stay with that person.
So for me, I define success by working my program. What am I doing here a year later with no A directly in my life? Well I find that I still need this program and the tools it has given me. My brother-in-law is an A and my sister is in denial. So I find that if I can be a role model for my nieces and show them the benefit of having a program in place that's important. There's a reason to stay right there. However, I find I use my tools all the time: at work, in stressful times at home and just in everyday life. It certainly has been a lifesaver when it comes to mourning the loss of my husband. I couldn't have made it through this year without the loving support of my family here.
Recovery is about taking back our life and living the life we so richly deserve. It's about living strong, regardless if the A chooses sobriety or not. Therefore I consider myself a success story because I am taking care of me. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When I first got here, I would have thought a success story was one in which the A got sobriety, serentiy, personal growth & didn't ever use again - but that is fairly naieve thinking. I sat in many AA/NA open meetings with my bff when she got clean. For them it is a struggle everyday to choose not to use, they have a compuslion they need to face & to fight... .
For us, it would be a success if we able to detach from our A's in love & not be obsessed with them anymore. To focus on you & have your own life emotionally autonomously & independently - to recovery from being enmeshed anymore.
In the past, I could telepathically know what my mom's mood was... if she was in a crisis, I was too, it seemed to happen automatically.
I used to wish my family would change, I mean I obsessively wished they would change, get their lives together & be happy. But I was completely focused on others & I wasnt happy either.
Based on my growth, I'd call myself a success story... today I have my own life that doesnt revolve around the A's in my life & that right there is an absolute miracle. I'm not insane anymore over what they are or are not doing.
Focus on YOU. It's all u can control or change.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Interesting that you define recovery as your A being in treatment...
Alanon is about US, the only way we can judge if we are "there" is if WE feel we are "recovered". I put that in parenthesis since recovery is different for many alanoners.
For some, recovery is leaving their A and getting out of the craziness and MOVING ON to a balanced healthy life.
For others, it is learning to live with their A using their alanon tools to have peace and serenity despite the A's craziy drama.
I once heard a sermon about how it is human nature to always think of what OTHERS can do to better themselves. This is wasted energy...since we can't control other people (of course referring to other adults, responsible paretns care for and control minor children).
If we hear of a new diet or exercise program, we can become motivated to want to be healthier and try it. We diligently try to make healthy changes a part of our everyday life. Sadly, these changes seldom last...
So, if we see how HARD it is to change ourselves, despite having full control and motivation...how hard to you think it will be to change someone else, when we have NO control?
Think about it...that is how much sense it makes to define our recovery as whether or not our A stops drinking.
Is there a point that we are "recovered"? Yes, I think so. If we stay "sick" (in fact some say "sicker" than out A's!) forever, where would the hope be for newcomers? What would the purpose be to come to alanon? We can stay sick on our own, with no effort.
Eventually, with concerted effort, alanon tools become ingrained and second nature. That is how it is for me...
I actually use alanon tools in EVERY relationship I have. They are really tools for living a peaceful, content life, not just for A's. Lots of people have problems, and thrive on attention and drama, and alanon tools help me to deal with all of them, just like my A.
So, yes, there IS hope for recovery, but it will take time and much effort...
"For some, recovery is leaving their A and getting out of the craziness and MOVING ON to a balanced healthy life.
For others, it is learning to live with their A using their alanon tools to have peace and serenity despite the A's craziy drama."
I guess what I'm really asking and wanting to hear,lol, is neither of these scenerios but that I can have a great, mutually satisfying marraige without the day to day drama that comes with loving a "recovering" alcoholic. Even though he will always be a recovering alcoholic, if he stays in his program and works on himself and I work on myself, do I get to the point where his addiction is not the focal point of our marraige? and I apologize be being so thickheaded but I am having a hard time focusing on "me". Maybe because this has not been a way of life for me, I've only been dealing with this for the past year and while I agree that this has GREATLY affected my life, I think I was in a very good, healthy place before that so I guess thats why this has taken my so by surprise.
Also, what are the al anon tools? I plan to order some books on pay day and until then I've been reading on the INET and I have signed up for the 12 step program associated with this site (even though I had no Idea that the 12 steps were for US TOO) put I'm just wondering if there is a list of al anon tools or if this is just a general reference. thanks for all of your patience.
AL, I hope you are attending face to face meetings weekly if not a couple times a week. Alcoholism is a family illness and manifests in a million different (horrendous) ways. You will learn al anon tools by attending meetings as much as you possibly can, getting a sponsor and really working the program, one day at a time.
If you work YOUR program, HIS alcoholism will no longer be the focal point of your life. YOU will be the focal point of your life (as it is meant to be, IMO).
Our disease is the incredible difficulty we have focussing on ourselves. We are addicted to the alcoholics in our life. They are addicted to the alcohol/drugs. We have a disease which is why we need a recovery program. We may not have a drinking problem but we sure do have a thinking problem. hugs, J.
" ...do I get to the point where his addiction is not the focal point of our marraige? and I apologize be being so thickheaded but I am having a hard time focusing on "me". " -amylynn
Yes, you will get to that point but you have to do the work and practise focusing on you & only you. It is so hard for you to do probably b/c you've not done it before. I was 36 when I got back to al-anon & began to try to focus on me & it was really hard b/c I was so focused on everyone else in my life. I virtually ignored myself.
It is vital for success that you both work your individual programs diligently. All you can really concern yourself is you though - so get focused on you. As long as you focus on another person, you will feel & be out of control/crazy.
Learning how to detach little by litte will end up giving you your life back. You will & can be "ok" no matter what. I am no longer living in a crisis mode & that happened through my change of persepctive/attitude.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
First off you are NOT being thickheaded...you are asking questions and trying to learn! Thank you for asking them.
To answer the question you "really" wanted answered, for me it did not work that way. My ex wife got into recovery before me, I followed with al-anon 6 months later, but she still decided to leave the marriage a short time after that.
However, I personally have two older couples that I know very well in recovery. One pair have been going to AA/Al-Anon meetings for 40 years the others 20+ years.
They are both excellent role models for me. They have survived the ugliness of their untreated diseases, to find their way into recovery. They now have loving, caring relationships. After 20 & 40 years of both partners having programs I would say the focal point of their lives is not "living with the drama" but living their lives the best they can every day.
Their lives are not perfect, because life happens. They have had awful things happen to them since coming into recovery, (loss of children, children with addiction issues themselves, etc) in other words the same problems that any couple have. Yet they do it with the loving help of their recovery families. And they treat each other with love and respect...even when they don't agree on everything.
Drama happens in all our lives. What is great about 12 step programs is they teach us a much better way than I ever knew how to live through drama without letting the drama take over my life.
So yes .... folks in recovery "get there".
My story is a success story too. I believe I am "getting there". The "there" isn't the place I envisioned for my life years ago...but I can tell you my current "there" is so much fuller and better than I could have ever imagined when I was stuck deep in the depths of my own untreated illness of living with the family disease of alcoholism.
Thanks for posting.....try to find a face to face meeting to go to....and keep coming back!
Sometimes we get close to there but we don't ever fully recover. Actually we never are recovered like some people think they will be or actually are! Even when the A is in recovery, we still have to be in recovery too. I am dealing with both. I hope you keep reading--posts, literature & everything program you can get your hands on! Remember especially in my case, take what you like & leave the rest. Lots of love, Kathleen
If you go into the archives you can read many many success stories on this board. i don't define success any more by someone else's behavior. My own is what I have to look at and there are definitely days that are trying. Nevertheless I'd have to say my life is infinitely better in so many ways than when I got here. i don't strive as much anymore. I can relax sometimes and I am goal orientated. I wouldn't say my life is a picture book by any means. I do know that I enjoy days in ways I did not before.
