The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my A boyfriend for 7 yrs now. We have 2 boys 5 yrs and 1 yr and I have a 14 yr old boy from a prior marriage. To make a long story short my A thinks that just because he financially supports us he doesn't beat us (never done) or act like a raving lunatic (which he has done on occasion with me) that it is fine that he drinks every weekend (not like he used to, he used to drink way more) and that it is still OK on occasion when he decides to stop at a friends and get too drunk to drive (which he still does drive once in a while) that it is OK that he has to spend the night there and yet again leave me responsible for it all. I have so much anger and resentment that now every little pesky thing he does bothers me! I hate it! I try to follow what the literature says and sometimes I do really well. I am reading "How to get them sober" vol. 1 right now and what a book it is! I go back and forth with do I want to be with him and do I want him here. I love him but I love myself and my kids more. I don't work I am home with the kids so part of me also feels stuck in this situation. I depend on him financially. I don't know how to let go of these feelings. Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Some things that I have heard on anger and resentment,
"Anger is a defense emotion covering up frustrations, hurts, and fears. The person I'm really angry at isn't another person, it's me - do an inventory and figure out what I did to get in that state of mind." from Anger Management for Women.
1) control is a product of resentment.
2) Expectations are premeditated resentments.
That being said, take a look at yourself and what you can do for you, because you can't change him or his behavior. The 3 C's: Can't change them, can't cure them, can't control them.
I know what your going through is hard, but you can figure it out One Day at a Time. Take care of yourself and your kids first and detach from him and his acting out. Another acryomn for you to hold onto: DETACH
D - Don't
E - Even
T- Think
A - About
C- Changing
H - him/her
Best of luck to you on your recovery journey. Java
I know for me... anger always comes after a perceived hurt/pain... u can work thru the anger faster by going to it's source & dealing with the pain directly.
In reading this post... I thought 'at least he doesnt attempt to drink & drive' but it is crappy to be left alone with all of the responsibility. A's arent very dependanble for us... they will do most anything (seemingly) to avoid their responsibilities.
Keeping learning & going to meetings & sharing. As u learn to set & keep boundaries, rely on yourself & detach from his behavior - u will become free. Focus on you & what you need & want. Over time you will see you have more choice options & gain more clarity.
I know for me, I was uber reactionary & had to face what was triggering my anger & irritability & learn to stop giving my energy away on pointless matters (being mad at everything all the time). I also had to forgive myself for being in my situation & giving myself a break there - being gentle & kind to me. I had to forgive myself a lot for my perceived mistakes & contribution -- all of which was liberating too. We makes mistake, we learn, it's ok.
Focus on you & what you can do that will help you feel better... even if it's simple stuff at home, like good music, healthy food, whatever helps u to feel well/better.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I just want to add that if I deep inside *expect* ANYthing another is incapable of giving to me, then I am angry and resentful......
like Java said, "expectations are pre-meditated resentments"....
case in point.....I had a BAD father...I mean EVIL bad...
now as a child i had the RIGHT to *expect* him to love and honor and cherish this beautiful child that God had given him....yes, I had the RIGHT, BUT----HOW do ya *expect* a sociopathic personality to be a good ANYTHING????? so my "unrealistic" *expectations* caused me a great deal of RAGE and GRIEF and ANGER.....oh yea, I had to rage 22 months b4 I could even get to the crying/grief part...
Nothing changes if nothing changes.....The only one whom you can change here is YOU....NOONE else......Its a waste to *expect* this man to change unless he is in ACTIVE, intense recovery.......
You want him??? better take care of you...drop expectations on him.....learn to live and take care of you by yourself, w/minimal or no help because drinking is progressive....Its gonna get worse if he does not get into recovery.......Whatever you do, you owe it to those little ones to keep YOUR sanity, by getting a sponsor, getting into meetings and working the 12 steps.....i would drag out step 4 and find out WHY i want to live and "settle" for this guy I am not even married to who drinks and leaves me to my own devices....I would be doign some deep soul searching and find out WHY I am willing to accept this way of life.....
just my take...use what you can and leave the rest....
I work the program daily, focus on myself, gain self confidence, learn more about myself, forgive my past, practice setting boundaries - and suddenly what I will accept in my life becomes crystal clear and the choices seem easy to make.
Rosie____its like if I stay in "learn mode" re: my self and self awareness goes with self acceptance it becomes REAL clear what is acceptable to me and what I do NOT accept......AMEN.....when I didn't know who i was or what i wanted, how could i take care of me??? i could not and did not.........getting into recovery has changed that....i always pray to stay in learn mode about me b/c my HP can teach me about me better than the *know* mode....*learn* mode keeps me open to new information...teachable..reachable with my HP....then i can as i learn about me, set proper boundaries....break off the useless relationships and take better care of me....i am doing step 4 again......
I am working on my resentment as well. Have your read How Alanon Works? What spoke to me is that we have choices even if they are not obvious or small. Sometimes I just hang up the phone. Sometimes I move to another chair (small but it is a choices). Can you put a little money under the bed - even if it is $5). And they tell us in Getting Them Cober that we can make a decision to stay or go for just a day. We can change our mind if we want.
I am currently reading Getting Them Sober, it is a wonderful book! Detachment on the other hand is difficult for me. His drinking is not the only problem right now, he has also said he thinks he's depressed and is having anger outbursts when he is sober. He is a mess right now and though he has always drank since I've know him the rest of the changes are more recent since his mom pasted away January 2008. I see it progressively getting worse in time and have told him he needs to go see a therapist. Not sure how much more I can live with Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Holly