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Daughter's divorce will be final in just a few weeks; probably 2 weeks. She keeps calling me, telling me how much she loves her husband and cannot believe he is divorcing her.
She is the one who had a stroke and is left mostly blind in her left eye. She should be concentrating on her health and not why this horrible husband would divorce when she is going through all these health problems. He is kicking her to the curb, like I would not do to a dog!!! She says she loves him and he loves her. She is living in a fantasty world and I do not know what to tell her anymore.
I want to tell her to call her sponsor!!! And I do not think that would be curel and would probably be the wise thing to do, but I know she would get mad at me.
To tell the truth, I do not want to hear it anymore. She needs to concentrate on her health right now; concentrate on getting a job, and number one, stay sober!!!! I feel I would be cruel to her if I told her to get a hold on reality and face the facts. She called me while I was in the waiting room to see the dentist today. She was crying and crying. I wanted to tell her that this was not a good time, but I do not want to just kick her aside. I am getting to the point that I will not answer when I see her number on called ID. But I am really all she has left. Everyone has abandoned her; you know when you have no one else, ther is always Mom.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
clara, hello and hugs! you know what? the best thing my mom ever told me was "nothing". she just listened open heartedly. that was the best thing i could ask for. she didn't give advice or opinions. she constantly told me she loved me. sincerely, tonya
Yup, exactly waht sincerely said. I WISH I had a mom who loved me enough to just listen and tell me she loved me. I have a mother who would critize me and make me feel as if it is all my fault. She sided with my crack addicted abusive ex more times than not (even when he broke into HER home and stole from her).
I know it must be so hard to lsiten to and not jump in and save her. My mother would also throw money at me as if she did then she wouldn't have to listen to me. As if money would solve the problem.
The very best thing you can do for your daughter is keep coming to alanon. That is what will save you and possibly your relationship with your daughter.
CLARA " I want to tell her to call her sponsor!!! And I do not think that would be curel and would probably be the wise thing to do, but I know she would get mad at me.
To tell the truth, I do not want to hear it anymore. She needs to concentrate on her health right now; concentrate on getting a job, and number one, stay sober!!!! I feel I would be cruel to her if I told her to get a hold on reality and face the facts.
ROSIE....Dear Clara....I see you as a loving and kind woman and I feel for ya being in this situation......the ex husband, i am sure, just could not "take it anymore".....I dont' know who said/ did what, but living with an A like I did was sheer misery....yea, its sad, he dumped her right b4 her stroke...i am sure he did not see it coming......the guy may be a jerk...he may not be....all i know is i was on the "receiving" end of being with an A and my life was torture....i just SICK of it and LEFT....
i agree w/your telling her to get w/her sponsor....your trying to work your own program....the more i enabled my daughter, the worse she got....she called me all the time just to "sound off" on me...when i would mention recovery, "oh no!!"...and when I got into recovery she dumped ME, b/c i was not buying into her "bs" anymore.....
it is not your fault she lost her marriage....its not your fault she had a stroke......you cannot help her....if she isn't going to help her self you got two choices.......
A---let her learn her lessons and MAYBE that will drive her into recovery.....
B---OR enable her...do things that SHE can do for herself.....and let this go on and on and suck you DRY!!!!! b/c that is what A's do....They can be spiritual vampires......
.i am taking care of ME....yea, i am there if they want to help themselves....i will cheer them on...give esh....encourage them, assist them w/parts of the program they may not understand.....i'll even work the steps with them, but NONE of them is in recovery....only my middle sister and my favorite cousin and we work the program together.....they WANT to help themselves....thats diferent....we support each OTHER....
It is not kicking her to the curb by making her take responsibility for her own life...it is not kicking her to the curb by being encouraging, but making THEM take care of their own stuff.....
and yea, i can relate to not wanting to hear it anymore....."same ole war stories".....as long as she can dump the problem on you, WHY should she focus on any solution??? that is too much work and she has "mama" to dump her stuff on.....i know....been in your shoes...its hard, but your only hope of her ever getting into recovery is to BACK OFF.......LET GO......let HER face her consequences.......let HER deal with her life.....
I am soo sorry this is in your face like this....Please take care of you...this stuff can bring ya down REAL fast......I don't do my meds as much as I used to when i was letting my alkies and narkies dump their garbage on MY emotional door....i will listen ONCE....give my esh and encouragment....THATS it!!!! DEAL or suffer the consequences.....
when my brother called today, he sorta started to complain about his roommate again and i said "hey we talked about this and your options....you either take care of you, or stay enmeshed with this guy and his problems, but your not makin it my problem....i gave you my esh....now its YOUR move"....he said "ok, i wont dump it on you anymore".....I thanked him and changed the subject....it worked.....set boundary and keep it...we had a fun conversation, b/c i had set the boundaries and kept them....he makes his bed...or daughter makes her bed...they LAY in it....
BIG hugs and friends in recovery......
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Thursday 11th of June 2009 08:38:24 PM
I am fortunate to have a mom who listens too - she does not give advice and that's exactly what I want and need from her. I feel so horrible for your daughter right now. I will pray that she gets the strnegth she needs to focus on herself and her health right now, because that is most important.
I don't think you are cruel for suggesting she call her sponsor, just as long as you say it in a loving way.
I agree it's important to listen but it is also important for you to (perhaps) take some time when needed or set a boundary... as simple as if I'm not in the mood to listen, I wont answer the phone. It's great u can be there for her but make sure it isn't taxing or draining you. We can support but we can't fix our loved ones.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
There is nothing wrong with telling her to talk to her sponsor. If she gets mad, so be it. When my Tim when back to detox for a week we met with a councelor. I asked Tim to leave the room so I could talk to him alone. Tim kept saying to me that I "triggered" him in his drinking. Well needless to say I felt like . It was my fault he was drinking again?!! I sat there numb and confused. I was really new to Alanon. I didn't get that.
The councelor made a couple of really good points. One was that I could very well be one of his triggers. But most importantly that he was responsible on how he responded to those triggers. He could drink, he could go to a meeting or do whatever. THE CHOICE WAS HIS. As an adult we have to allow them the dignity of how they respond to any situation.
If you want to tell your daughter that she's upsetting you, then go for it. If you want to tell her that she needs to get her act in gear, do so. At some point we end up harming the A more than helping them. I'm guilty of that more times than I can count. If you need to set a couple of boundaries, then by all means do so.
Recovery is about taking back our life and living the life we so richly deserve. We can't live our lives for our As. That hurts them as well as us. Clara needs to take care of Clara first - bottom line. Otherwise you'll end up in a worse place than she is. So often codependents end up being just as sick if not sicker than the addicts. Do what you have to to take care of you. Everyone (including your daughter) will be better off for it. It's called detaching with love. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sorry you are having such a go with this, and I understand her having no one else, however, if you don't take care of you... Well... You know that answer... I agree that Boundry's would be a wonderful place to start, and if you can't talk, you can't talk...For me Admitting it is too much, is usually a good place to start...
I know for me... I have had my Cell phone on Vibrate for over a month.. It don't Jump Every time it goes off, and if it isn't in my pocket then I just check it thru out the day "AS I See Fix"...That keeps me Out of the line of fire...I have noticed that they don't leave COMPLAINTS on the my Voice mail either.. So when I am ready and see "Missed Call", I call them on my terms...
Also, I have learned to just Listen... And when they are done, and get it all out, I simple say, "Sorry you are having a rough time, glad you called and got it out tho, I better go tho, I have alot to do, I love you " and hang up... It helps them get it out, and with my response, they have to THINK about their next action.. Instead of ME telling them.. This is what I would do!!! It has helped me... :)
Take what you like and leave the rest.. F2F meetings are wonderful in times like this :) Let Go & Let God Love & Prayers Jozie
. It was my fault he was drinking again?!! 
I sat there numb and confused. I was really new to Alanon. I didn't get that. 
