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My AA husband moved out last Friday. This has been in the making for a few months. At first we were looking for a home together in my hometown. Then, it was looking for a home where we could have some time apart, but visit each other and my family, help my 83-year-old mom some, too.
Now, that he's there, within three days it turned into a "don't call me" situation; "I need peace;" when you call it's like I'm still living with you. Nevermind, he called me, too.
Monday night I made the error of saying, "...please, if you need to go into long winded explanations, rehashing information I already know, please call your sponsor. I have lots of things go wrong, too. It seems as if everyone who calls me or whom I call launches into a long complaint about everything that's going wrong for them. I get tired of being everyone's sounding board, especially when almost no one even asks why I called or what's on my mind." I had called because I had news about a bank deposit he had been waiting for. I almost did not get to tell him about it, because he launched into a lengthy, repetitive complaint about Cable Internet service. Well, obviously, my comments were not well received.
Today he sent me an e-mail (haven't talked on phone since Monday) reaming me over the coals because I had told two family members about the house in my hometown. He knew I had told these two, but without details about what was going on between him and me. The "telling" happened back when I still thought this was an amicable separation, even though I wasn't sure I liked it. He has told two other family members...? They are my family, his in-laws. ...?
But, he has forgotten he knew I had told my brother and my daughter that we had leased a home. Now, he tells me in an e-mail that my telling two family members "feels like scheming, pushing and manipulation and I don't like it."
I have been afraid for my marriage for quite some time now. I am beginning to become afraid for him and of him. Am I "catching" his paranoia?
This man has been an active member of AA for over 30-years. He had let his spiritual condition slide; he knew it but had not really tried to do anything about it until recently. It seems as if he is making me Public Enemy No. 1, and it is hurtful as well as scary.
Does anyone have a good story to tell about the aftermath of a marital separation from an alcoholic? I need to hear some good stories, please.
My only aftermaths are when its OVER...its OVER....I was the one who "walked" and when I did, I did not look back...papers signed separately on both ex's.....
My first ex was an easy one to leave...one night he grabbed me by the hair and shoved me up against the sink and bent me backwards and would not let me up....I packed my stuff and was GONE....i saw the lawyer the next day....i was dumb to take him back but b4 he hadn't gotten physical...this time he had and it was over!!!!!
its hard to go into all the details b/c its a case to case thing....for me??? abuse...adultery.....substance abuse......broken trust I am outta there....no 2nd chance......with my 2nd ex, he won me back b/c i wanted to believe in his promises to do better....i learned....w/o recovery its doomed....
2nd ex, like i have always said and will say till i die was a real tragedy....i miss him a lot....i pray for him....the only reason why i left him was b/c he did not want recovery and i finally gave up trying.....i came out and told him i was not gonna see him die.....he said he did not want to quit.....i had to give him his choices......i had to allow him to do what he wanted to do.....whether i agreed or not...that was his choice, so one sunny day in may, i got up....he was on base and he called me later that day and i told him "i give up.....i want a divorce.....i do not want to bury you".....he cried....i cried, he didn't want this to happen....i did not want it to happen....we split...end of AH #2.......
since then, i have dated very sparingly....i have kinda "given up" on guys.....if God has one for me, he is going to have to *throw* him at me b/c i am not looking.....AND , if i did find one, he would be on probation this time for a while.....
i am just too pained out from my childhood and the resultant life i lived b/c of my injuries and the hurts and wounds from MEN!!! I am surprised i am not gay, the way i have been messed over by guys......my male parent.....my oldest brother.....my younger brothers to a lesser degree......2 AH's......bad relationships......date rape.......i was kidnapped by a guy who was obsessed with me....thank God he was gentle he just would not let me GO...I had to drug him in his house to make my escape in his car......oh yea, i could go on and on....bully bosses....sex harrassment on the job.......yea, i have experienced a lot of misery b/c of men....soooo, i have ZERO tolerence for their bad behaviour.....with ptsd, i am too tired and too compromised with the ptsd to put up with misery....life has enough pain w/o my going out and purchasing MORE>..
anyway, I am sorry i rambled on your post.....i see a lot of pain on these boards and i pray that we all can focus on US...OUR recovery...... "keep the focus on me"......"accept the things we cannot change and ask for strength to change what we can anc realize that the only thing I can change is ME"...This program is designed to help me focus on me.....self awareness and self acceptance...self love after working the steps , so then , I can SHARE my healthy love with others.....SHARING....not becoming ENMESHED......
I hope your situation turns out ok......if you are afraid of him, that is not a good sign.....i would examine those fears and be real careful , in the meantime, with my dealings with anyone who caused me to feel fear of them.....You ask "am i catching his paranoia"??? that is where I would get with my sponsor....talk this all out, work my program and let my HP guide my steps......a lot of times we blame US for THEIR stuff......a lot of abused women stay b/c they think it is thier problem , not the abuser......I would do a lot of thinking, meets and sponsor work on this one.....i hope you get a lot of esh from here to help you
Hi Dickeybird, I so know about this awful way they blame us and seem to hate us. My AH moved thousands of miles away nearly 5 months ago but If my AH was in the vicinity I think I would get the same, I refuse all contact so I dont get his recriminations from a distance, but unbeknown to me before he left, the things he was saying about me, the nasty snide comments; "oh killjoy will be here in a minute"..to our very good friends, all sorts of stuff. He obviously had turned me into public enemy no1, the alcohol is what does it..its the disease, it almost always happen, they nearly all do this. Can I recommend that you google this;
Everything you need to know about chemical dependence By Vernon E. Johnson
There is a large amount of info as a "book extract" and it really helped me, it even has a chart showing how the Alcoholic projects his self hatred onto guess who...the spouse. I found it very very helpful in understanding that it is something there is no point in taking personally, no matter what you do, you wont be right as Im sure you already know, so we just have to block it from our minds and not let them demoralise us which is what they want.
I do hope you find this of value...good reading and keep strong, were all in the same rocky boat. Hugs Lillyxx
My experience is he would say awful things about me to others so they would pity him and feel bad and do ANYTHING to help him. drugs, cigarettes, money etc.
If the marriage falls apart it sure is not his fault. Seems they want us to believe that too, it is our fault about this or that.
They don't have the courage to admit maybe it was them or their disease.
Does not matter how long they were in AA, the fact is they are not working their program. Sadly they are heading towards relapse.
What was he like before? Was he abusive? You say you are afraid. I ask this becuz my A is and was a wus.
When I would kick him out again, people would be afraid for me. I wasn't because I knew he was and is a big chicken, always was.
Now if he was living here and lost it, yes then he would be abusive,it was convenient, if he was at his mommies, he would abuse her. In other words, he never come out here to hurt me.
Where is your fear coming from? Is it you have never seen him like this before? I sure relate.
For me I refused to communicate with him at all.
As far as who you tell what, I feel I am an adult and will do and say what I do.
It is like they want us gone yet they want control. Forget it.
Addiction is so complicated. Addicts don't think like non addicts. We cannot relate to them at all. NO matter how hard we try.
For me db I just don't care what they say as it is the disease talking anyway.
So what can you do for you? Did you get a new home? How are YOU. hugs,debilyn
