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I need everyones advise on this. I have been apart from my EXABF for 2 months. It did not end pretty at all. He lived with me and my 2 children for 6 months. I was hard dealing with all his drinking, binges, anger. When he had to leave it was not pretty. One big problem is that I work with him at the same company. For 2 months now I have had to see him and not speak a word. This has been sooooo hard. Cause even after all the pain he brought to me I still love him so much. I miss the good times we had. ANYWAY here is my problem. I got an email from him yesterday. Here it is.... Barb, When you are ready, I would like to talk to you. I really care deeply for you, and know that we both made mistakes in our relationship. I want to see if there is a chance that we can build a strong friendship at this point. I you are not willing, please let me know and I will not ask again. I told you once before that when I love someone and never stop loving them, and I hope that we can be mature enough to continue being friends.
I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I responed with this... I want to say that I am ready. What I do know is that I am still very much in love with you. I thought that I would be over it by now. Yesterday it hit me very hard out of the blue. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this but I want to be honest. I think about you all the time. When I am home alone I wished that you were there with me. The kids talk about you all the time. They miss you soooo much! I go to sleep each night wondering if you ever think about me.
It's just like the Rhianna song "I hate how much I love you". Having to work, be in a meeting, and walk by someone that you are still very much in love with is very very hard.
You will probably never believe me but this is so much harder than my divorce was.
This was the last email I got from him... Barb,
I really just want to meet with you. Kiss your beautiful lips and tell you I'm so sorry for anything I might have done wrong to you in your eyes. And will you forgive me and be my friend. I want to be there for you personally and professionally. I hope you see that I care about you and only want good things for your life.Thanks
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so confused!!!! What to do!!!!!!
I would ask WHAT meeting are you going to??? Do you have a SPONSOR??? what STEPS books do you have to work on
FACT----There is NO indication of he has "gotten help" b/c he messed up being a drunk
FACT-----NOTHING changes if NOTHING changes....
FACT-----We cannot change another
FACT-----People don't change UNLESS they want to and are in RECOVERY
AND THIS FACT-----I will repeat same old patterns until I work on ME and get to the root of WHY, WHAT in my past causes me to not want better for my life
If I break up with someone , yea, it hurts, but WHY did I break up w/them in the 1st place......IT DID NOT WORK............WHat is different now that this will work NOW????? What steps has he taken to rectify his wrongs.......
He is offering to be "friends".....If you absolutely must have this guy....I would put him on probation, arms length, friends, distance until he PROVED to me that he has "turned from his sin"....and has taken appropriate steps NOT to repeat..
to me?? Appropriate steps is getting a sponsor....getting into meetings for AA.....Getting to work on the steps......There is NO mention of this..........w/o intense and regular recovery work, there is NO hope......
WHAT would you say to your daughter if SHE had broken up with an Alkie, who is NOT in recovery, NO mention of it and he wants her back.....What would you tell her?????? And if it is diferent than what you are doing for your self.......I would get into myself and find out WHY I want better for someone else than I do for me.
You wanted esh....I am giving it....As you see by my posts, I "cut to the chase"....Life is too short to not be totally honest
please use what you can and leave the rest.....I never give advise....Only MY experience and strength and hope
I wish you luck and believe me, I may sound like a broken record about steps, meets, sponsor, but it is the ONLY way that I am going to break free of MY wounds and MY issues and MY problems so I don't keep repeating the UNwanted patterns of the past......I will keep repeating UNTIL I FACE me and all my shortcomings and DEAL!!!! DEAL with me, get healthy with ME...THEN and only then can I make healthy decisions re: relationships......
For all my life , I looked outside of me for love, security, validation and for approval...cure for lonliness...and yea, it would be *nice* to have a HEALTHY partner, but if there is none for me??? I would rather be alone than keep on living the way I used to....I may as well bang my head against the wall, b/c emotionally that is what I will do if I don't put to rest my sick patterns and get on with good HEALTH and it **begins with me***
well, I have to agree with RLS... this program works whne u work it & the preogram is meetings & steps. A sponsor will mentor you through the process.
I had to learn that my love for someone didn't change just b/c I may need to boundary them out of my life. Love by itself isn't enough. I was told a good relationship is one that brings the best out in you. In the past, I martyred myself through love - I loved them & neglected loving me.
It's ok to be "friends" but that is a slippery & dangerous slope if u dont have boundaries & the ability to follow through on them.
You say how hard it's been to avoid/detach from him - what makes you think getting back involved would make anything easier/better? Sure we dont want to be alone but being in a negative/toxic relationship isn't an improvement.
I had to learn to love others at a distance, compassionately. I also had to learn to love myself first & pay attention to what was benefical in my life.
Focus on you, love you & mind your own business. WE cant change or fix others. If he isnt making any changes... after a short time of "good behavior" he'll be back to the same old stuff. Sometimes we gloss over how bad things really were & go back for more.
I got to where I was telling msyelf, "if I never meet a non-A I'll just be alone forever" & after what I went through, being alone was much more acceptable then being abused by a tyrannical bullying A. Granted it wasn't phsyical abuse... but it always gets progressively worse. I personally would not expose my kids to an A on any regular basis.
You can distract yourself & your kids with positive endeavors. Plus they are learning how to *be* by watching you.
Once you leave an A they usually will jump through hoops to try to win you back... enablers take a lot of work & they want to keep the status quo. I'd set some boundaries if he was going to be around your kids, like being sober around them- period.
I left my exAH ten years ago... I used to write lil notes like a journal & the stuff & pain I went through was gut wrenching. I had to decide I wouldnt stand for that treatment & that I deserved more b4 I could change.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Uhhhm.."might" have in "your" eyes? He has taken 0 responsibility.
Where is the I am seeking help with my drinking? I am attending anger management therapy? I know I have a problem. I was wrong. Where is one admission to wrong doing on his part?
IMO, he just gave you an invitation to open the door to the rollercoaster, so you may continue to ride. We aren't supposed to judge or advise but girlfriend, the first bone he threw you, you responded how much you thought of him, loved him, missed him, think of him before sleep, kids miss him...What reason does he have to change?? You just told him no matter what he does to you, it's OK, you will still obsess over him and accept it with no question...before you even talked.
You know, I think many of us have been in love with the dream of what could be. We hang on to the dream and to the A's good qualities. We are in denial of "what is". But we see "what is" eventually and it shatters us and those dreams and that is when we come to Alanon for help. We learn we are whole and wonderful all by ourselves. We learn we are worth much more then what we have put up with and tolerated in our pasts. We require more of a mate and realize that love isn't supposed to cause hurt and suffering. We stand our ground, we place uncrossable boundaries and we learn to live the way life should be lived.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Uhhhm.."might" have in "your" eyes? He has taken 0 responsibility.
Where is the I am seeking help with my drinking? I am attending anger management therapy? I know I have a problem. I was wrong. Where is one admission to wrong doing on his part?
###### Rosie....I was going to mention this too...also like Christy says I see him seeing an open door to start all the 'bs" all over again.........like I said....ZERO taking responsibility on his part........
my pervert father would do this to my mother...she would get up the guts to leave or kick him out and he would say almost the exact same stuff to her......NO offer of what he was doing to turn from his evil......NO taking responsibility for his beating her senseless and assaulting his children......NOTHING....he would play at her emotions just like this BOYfriend has done.....
thank God he is only Boyfriend and not husband whom you had children with....but even still.....NO program??? Kids will be in recovery 20 years later....
Also this is a FACT---- Why would I spend time on a *BOY friend* who treats me this way, when relationship cannot work in a marriage where he gets WORSE.....legalities and commitment..oooh they love to use that when they play their guilt trips.....i know....i messed up with my 1st AH.........the 2nd one had quit and was in navy.....i was lonely and got fooled by that one and he was soo unbelievably sweet to me, he was tough to break up with b/c he was loyal and nice..........
i left b/c I loved him too much to watch him die........1st AH....I married him b/c I did not think I deserved better.........if they cannot meet my needs as a boyfriend, how in the heck are they going to be a decent husband where the "gloves are off" as to putting best foot forward.......and why waste my time on a unacceptable potential husband????
You need to do some soul searching here on this one.
Why did you seperate from him? Has he changed? Is he still drinking? Have you changed? Has the quality of your life gotten better with him gone. Has the quality of your children's life gotten better? If you decide to take him back and it does not work out(if he is still drinking, it won't work out), will you be able to go through all of this heartache of sperating again?
I do not think there has been enough time of seperation for him to get better. Also, he is not taking any responsibility in the marriage of things that went wrong.
But these are just my thougths on the subject. Take what you want; leave the rest.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Thank you all for your thoughs. I hear and feel what you all are saying. I do not want to take him back! I agree that he is playing with my emotions. I need to put the bounderies up!! I just don't understand why he is doing this. After all the crap he put me through with his drinking. Why does he want to try and be friends? Again my situation is different cause I have to work with him. I would love to be able to leave my job but I can't afford it. Plus if I do he wins!!! I have worked long and hard to get this job. I would like to hear what he has to say for closure. But I don't know if that is a good idea. I guess what I need to know if anyone has been in the position with and EX. Have they tried to contact you the same why he is? How did you handle it? Trust me on the RED FLAG. I was that too. He does need to take responsiblitiy for what he has done. Doesn't look like he does. If I didn't have to work with him I would not even talk to him ever again.
Why did you seperate from him?- because of his drinking/he was a very angry person when he drank. Has he changed?-I have no idea Is he still drinking?-I have no idea Have you changed?-Yes!!! Has the quality of your life gotten better with him gone.-better cause I don't have to deal with the binges and anger. I can sleep better at night. Has the quality of your children's life gotten better?-He never did anything bad or wrong to the children. They loved him and still do. If you decide to take him back and it does not work out(if he is still drinking, it won't work out), will you be able to go through all of this heartache of sperating again? -I don't want to take him back. I will not take him back if he is still drinking. I made that clear to him.
By the way......This is a letter that I gave him back when he moved out. Just to give you a better understanding about me.......
My Dearest Jack,
This may not come out right but I want to try and say right.
I love you. Period.
I have missed you very much.I have weighed many things, thinking what would I be willing to accept and what would be a deal breaker.I cannot be with a man who has a problem with some sort of addiction that endangers his life and which he is unwilling to work on.I cannot wholly give myself and attempt to improve myself while my counterpart has destructive habits.I am nowhere near perfect.I accept that about myself.I mess up on a lot of things. I know that.I also know I have worked too hard in my life to get where Im at to not seek the same in a long-term partner.If I were to do that, I would resent the person, I dont want that. I do not want to remain friends and see you slowly destroying yourself.I would NEVER want to hang out with you and see you get very, very, very, drunk.I want you to be my boyfriend, my lover, my confidant, my friend, my intelligent, sensual and comforting man who can cook his butt off! I have been reading about alcoholism, everyday weve been apart, trying to understand better. Doing that I have come to a painful but honest discussion.
If you work on being sober, I want to be with you and your friend.
If you continue drinking, I wont be hanging out with you nor do I want any contact with you. I would not be a true and loving person if I did.I would just be enabling you and the situation.So I need to take the steps to make sure I am not doing that.I need to feel safe.I will not fight your addiction and demons anymore.That is your battle. I apologize now for what I have to do to move on with my life and recover from this illness that you have.
Im sure you feel bad, I know I have. I think about you all the time.We had such wonderful memories.But then the bad ones come in.The hurt is unbearable.
Maybe Im hoping I will find the magic phrase to snap you out of it.I wish we could be together but I love myself too much to be with someone who is unwilling to working on a problem that is affecting their life and health.
I love you with all my heart and hope that you will start to love yourself enough to get help and treatment for your addictions.
you ask why he is doing this... A's pick their enablers carefully & they work at getting you to feed into their disease... they don't like change, all that's in their little minds is their next fix. When we change, they dont like it & will manipulate even harder to get things back to how it was. Once they feel "safe" they go back to the same old behaviors.
Seems like A's always realize things a little too late -- and we all have said things & not followed through, so they just assume we wont ever change - b/c they don't. It's part of the nature of the disease.
Focus on you, it's all u control or change.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
