The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So much has been going on lately and there has just been so little time for me to come and post. I've missed it, and my MIP family so very much:) So much going on in all your lives.
My mother has been ill, worse than I have seen her in years and that has been a lot to deal with. I don't know HP's plan for her but I know that physically she can't keep going on in such poor health and that looms over my head daily as she has always been my best friend. I Thank HP for my son.....he watches her while I work and is such a HUGE blessing to both her and I. I am blessed to have such a good kid but worry that it is to much responsibility for a 12year old to have on him. I don't want him to fall into the "caretaker" codie role he has already learned from me. But for today I am doing the best I can with what I have.
Work has been insanely busy, and with trying to get ready for some time off in the next two months, I find myself working harder to "stay ahead of the game".
Had some contact with EXABF this past weekend via internet and it was actually a good thing. I am learning that he is not the person I thought he was for so long as he is doing things that I know the man I knew would not have. The anger and nastiness I feel and express towards him so often has taken an emotional toll on us both. I actually ran into him last night at our local WalMart. Of course as soon as my son spoted him talking to some people, I cut down an isle-then made a b line for the check out counter-wasn't up for seeing him in person just yet. So while we are in line checking out EXABF comes down behind us and gets in line and of course I hear this "Hi Shelly". We exchanged FEW small pleasantries and again I was goneeeee. I went home and really felt like a good cry but couldn't get there:) I also realized that when I saw him my heart DIDN'T skip a beat, as a matter of fact there was NO reaction at all.....no anger, no love, NO NOTHING. It kinda worries me a bit, I thought there would be something-anything, but I couldn't even look him in the eye, I just wanted away from him. Sad part was he didn't even speak to my son after playing the part of the devoted BF all last Summer and being at every Soccer game, etc.
Guess HP put me there for a reason, ESPECIALLY when I went LAST NIGHT because I thought EXABF went weekly on Thursdays after work. He is a VERY routine kind of man and can NOT go off the beaten schedule.
So that brings me to today.......Just today:)....Last week something happened and I can't explain what or how, but I started seeing things differently and realized for the first time that perhaps my original intent in joining AlAnon F2F was for everyone and everything BUT me. I fought that idea for months but having made it the whole way back to Step One again-things are differernt this time around. My thought process is different and I am feeling different about the program as a whole and feel that now I am working it just for me.
I'm living one day at a time, I have a newfound desire to make HP the center of my life and not just an outside observer to the mess I make of things. I am still struggling with giving up that control-that is a HUGE thing for me, and for now am content to just hang here at Step One, and soak up as much information as I can before moving on.......I am truly powerless......and starting over...... Thanks for letting me share Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Good for you for not allowing him to steal your serenity to the point of craziness... I am sure it took alot out of you, but you handled it well... Just goes to show that your program & HP are Both working for YOU...You Survived something that you thought you couldn't a while back, and handled it with Grace... Good for you :)
I have been prayin for Mom and that will continue... She is a tough ol' gal, and in being so, she has tought you the same. Her HP will indeed take care of her, and you just as it has always been... You are doing a great job doing your part, and I am sure she feels blessed to have you there... YOu know if you need me I am not far away... ALWAYS...
Hang in there girl and good for you for working your program... You are doing great, and for that I am sure your rewards will be well worth your struggles...
So sorry to hear about your mom ((((((((((Shelly)))))))))))))). And taking care of a loved one who is sick is not the same as co-dependent/enabling behaviors. It is love and responsibility and it is perfectly wonderful that your son gets the opportunity to show his love to his grandma. That will serve him well thru out his life.
Good for you for not engaging with ex. And great that the FOG is lifting so that you can see clearly.
And I came to meetings for 18 months with the idea that everyone else in my life would benefit from it. I stopped comming and hit my bottom. I knew right where I needed to be after that. It all started making sense!!
I also realized that when I saw him my heart DIDN'T skip a beat, as a matter of fact there was NO reaction at all.....no anger, no love, NO NOTHING. It kinda worries me a bit, I thought there would be something-anything, but I couldn't even look him in the eye, I just wanted away from him. Sad part was he didn't even speak to my son after playing the part of the devoted BF all last Summer and being at every Soccer game, etc.
Guess HP put me there for a reason, ESPECIALLY when I went LAST NIGHT because I thought EXABF went weekly on Thursdays after work. He is a VERY routine kind of man and can NOT go off the beaten schedule.
#########ROSIE_____I know it is over when there is NO hate...NO resentment...NO reaction......its OVER!!! I am FREE!!!!
Good work...and I agree HP had this happen to SHOW you how far you have come along in your healing...........I am glad for you
