I think we all do, we all suffer/struggle with negative self talk.  I have come really far but when I first moved here (to be w/ b/f) & we were meeting his friends for the first time, my b/f pointed out that when I drink, I tend to go into negative self talk. I didn't realize I was doing this but when I drink, it's like truth serum on me.  I dont need to tell people what i've been through or about my past. 

I think it is so hard b/c it did come from childhood.   We were little aware, absorbing receptors that took in our environments.  We know as adults we have choices & can choose to act differently.

I would say, be gentle with yourself.  Beating yourself up wont make it different, in fact it only emphasizes what you no longer want.  The truth is you caught yourself speaking negatively to YOU.  Sure, u gave thanks to god/hp but u deserve some credit too, you are working to change. 

I def inetely understand that you felt brainwashed (i felt that way too) we do brainwash ourselves by how we speak to us, every minute of everyday.  We are either building ourselves up or tearing ourselves down.

I know that this is for life but maybe it would help you to only think about today/now.  I mean to paraphrase E.Tolle... we live in the now, now is a continually renewing process.

When I found MIP 4 yrs ago... I thought everything was my fault, I constantly apologized & kicked myself (trying to beat u to it) and members very patiently said, 'ur beating urself up, nothing to apologize for' once I got my head around the fact that I didnt have to berate me & no one else was going to, I worked to stop.  So the awareness was there... I could simply catch myself & redirect my mind.

I've recently realized some of the character "defects" I had, weren't necessarily "bad".  Like being critical... maybe that means I have a very good observant eye - it's not all bad, as long as I'm not raking myself over the coals.

I also had to use logic to get anywhere with me mentally... like telling yourself, you are a child of god, therefore you deserve grace, forgiveness.  You know you are not stupid... turn it over/let it go - old tapes - when u hear yourself being not gentle or kind to you/r inner child of god, once u catch it, say a positive affirmation or whatever works, a mantra, forgive yourself for being human & "slipping".

I took Silva Mind Control at 16 y/o.  One of the techniques, is to say "cancel, cancel" if you think/perceive something you dont agree with or want to mainfest.  When I slip or hear a negative comment, I say "cancel, cancel" & replace it with something positive & empowering.

This recovery work, the self talk, I see it as reprogramming.  I might use phrases like a mantra.  Sometimes I put signs on the wall or at my pc, so I can be reminded of something healing.

I have a hard time sometimes taking credit for things.  You are  a spark of the divine & you deserve some credit for your hard work too.  HP may give us the awareness but we have to do the footwork.  I want to be gracious & not in my ego... I know that means receiving sometimes too.

In the past I have used a tape recorder to make up my own positive affirmation tapes (I used to buy ones for stress, u know like meditation tapes) so I would read some mantras/affirmations that I thought I needed to hear.  This way I could "brainwash" or reprogram myself with my own voice.  I'd listen to it upon going to sleep.

YANA, anyway, I'm working on it too... to be more postive for me & to be healthier to be around for everyone else.  I think bumps/slips in the road give us resolve to work more diligently & make us stronger.