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I think Canadian guy was wondering what happened to people who came here then disappeared. I expect most like myself have continued to read the posts and draw tremendous strength, but my grief and loss are less harsh after 5 months, still have bad days which i work to overcome, I managed to get through our wedding anniversary day without too much upset in fact its been the working towards it that was awful and all my own doing..letting it become bigger than it was. My Ah has tried to get in touch with me again by emailing my sister again to ask her help in getting in contact with me...he still says that "i will have to talk to him sometime" Im not sure why he thinks this, but i notice he didnt send a letter home with his sister whose been in the west indies with him for 5 weeks, so hes not that desperate, anyway a letter wouldnt necessarily get him a reaction which is probably what he wants..ive learned that much by now. Still having no contact has given me some control back and it helps. Im also working on the "illusion" as Toby Drew talks about and boy my friends and family are working hard on me regarding that too...but I do still miss something. Im getting a lodger at the end of the month and I dont want one, but have to for financial reasons, I hate my AH for this, I was married this was my marital home and now i have to share it with a stranger...so yes, Ive got lots of anger in there, but dont intend to direct it at him, I dont want him to ever know i care or am upset. To that end Ive cut off contact with my sister in law too, who had obviously told him stuff that was going on for me, as he mentioned it in previous email to my sister...I dont want him to know anything about me, its not his business. Im glad I dont know what hes doing, anyway I have to remember he wasnt the man I married after 7 years, a different person, mixing cocaine with alcohol and telling people not to tell me.
Does anyone know anything about this, drug use with alcohol. I was shocked to find out that not only was his alcoholism running away with him, but he was taking cocaine too. Is this why his personality seemed to change, he was never mean and unkind before and became so, even with strangers. I would be interested to know of others experience and if this is common?
Amongst the many deeply hurtful deceitful, disloyal things Ive found out, most recently is his school yard attitude to me, apparantly, he used to say to our friends, if I was coming to the pub, "oh kill joy is on her way". How horrible, how juevenile, how very disloyal to the person you are married to, never indicating to me this is how he felt, why should I ever want to talk to him..ever again. That can be the solicitors job when I divorce him, all I need is an address. Thank you for listening, I am starting to feel like I am living a life again, not just in a bubble, its just not the life I wanted yet, but Im working on it....Lillyx
I think getting a lodger can be a wonderful thing! I have found that living alone can deepen my tendencies to isolate and that when I live in a household or with others, its really actually quite fun and lightens the atmosphere tremendously. Of course this is not the case when the lodgers are not a good fit but if they are a wonderful fit, it can be a really great enhancement with many benefits! I would encourage you to wait and see and keep an open mind about the lodger and not look at it in such a nasty way. It might be the best thing that happened, you never know. hugs, J.
Cocaine is a very serious drug, as if alcohol isn't bad enough in how it can change one's personality, cocaine certainly does seem to make people that take it regularly very irritable, hostile, even angry, defensive, paranoid. It can/will give the delusions of grandeur too & a feeling of absolute power.
Put it this way, I like to dabble, but that is a very dangerous & expensive drug, you couldnt pay me to use. I really think it quickly will turn anyone into a monster. I keep it & those that are on it away from me.
Good for you for moving on & doing what u have to. As Jean writes, maybe the lodger wont be so bad.
Good for you for working on ur feelings & not directing them towards ur AH, so u dont feed him any energy. It took me a long time b4 I could do this successfully... you deserve your own best attention & energy.
If u want to work through your anger faster, get to the source of ur pain about it. Make sure you forgive yourself (for being human or whatever) too.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. Maybe you are right, In fact, I know your right, my potential lodger is a lovely woman with whom I am sure I will get along, I just feel angry with my AH for giving no thought whatsover to how he left me...no money and then expects that I should talk to him...like I owe him anything whatsoever, I love my home and essentially chose to share it with my husband, Ive lived here for nearly 14 years and apart from him, its been just me, i find it difficult thats all, i dont mean to view it in a nasty way, i just feel heartbroken that this is what im having to do, through no fault of my own, my home became his home (including on the deeds but lets not go there!!!). I do realise that it will shake me out of my isolation and also my current habits, which need a shake up really.... change - its hard to deal with. Im 49 and thought at 43 when I married for the first time, that this was really for life, although I suppose I should be grateful at this point it wasnt!!! Its very interesting and sad (roselightshines) to hear about cocaine, its seems maybe its just too easy to abuse one thing then another! Im lucky also, I can ignore my AH because hes nowhere near, I feel so sorry for those still in the same town, working together, children, the strength needed then is so overwhelming to me...good job were stronger than we know. Hugs Lillyxx
Lilly is that avatar your dog? What kind? Sooo cute.
I should be renting out my room too Lil. Don't want to either. So far I have not had to. Well I mean I don't buy new cloths or? uno.
Hope it goes ok. I know for me, I would make my bedroom more my sitting room so I had privacy.
One day at a time. You are still a raw open wound. A is only thinking of him. No you do not ever have to talk to him. What is in it for you?
I hope you figure out what gives you comfort and give it to you. That is what makes me drag home feather comforters and have a nice feather bed. My home is comfortable.
Cocaine does not give a very long high so they have to keep doing it over and over to stay high. So they drink too, to keep that buzz. Can you imagine the body taking all that crap in?
I know when the AH mixed things he was insane. Totally insane. That is what made me run outside and climb into two of my pigs house and sleep in there once. NO way would he think to look there.
Of course next day I kicked him out again.
When I found out what A said about me to others it about killed me. Came here just like you. I NEVER knew he did that. I thought my reputation was safe with him.
Remember it is the disease talking. It means nothing. But it still hurts.
I have done all I could to keep my home. It has been hard but worth it.
Can you get the government help offered now to do a loan mod to help you have a lower payment?
Listen, a house of 30's-40's-50's aged single women is a total HOOT! I am living in one now, lived in one in Honolulu and I pretty much love it- there is always a light on when you get home, good food cooking (or the wonderful smells of one and leftovers in the fridge), smart and wise conversation, sometimes a charming little dinner party and total peace and quiet when needed! I know it may be difficult to transition to where you THOUGHT you were heading but it can also be super fun and quite pleasant- I had a single girlfriend in her 60's pass through and stay here at the house for a couple of nights and we sat and made wonderful dinners and drank a little wine and told stories and laughed and had a wonderful time as a household. It was totally priceless! Nothing compares to sitting around a table of women from all ages and walks of life telling stories and laughing!!!!! Love that... Your home can become a different kind of heaven, perhaps a better one than the one you had originally imagined thanks to HP- acceptance is the answer to all our problems today! hugs, J.
Thank you again, Jean you make it sound wonderful..I will keep you posted on how my new household progresses.
Debilyn, that is my best boy "Harvey", hes a lurcher, just 18 months old and a whippet/bedlington terrier cross. That dog has been my saviour, kept me going and is always making me laugh, hes a proper joker but also very kind by nature and I love him sooo much.
