The material presented
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level.
I'm having a very hard time lately. My husband, cheated on me in last year. I found out in December - 3 weeks before our 10 year anniversary. From that point I kicked him out and we have 3 small children 5,5, and 4. I worked part time, but would never have been able to pay our bills. He begged to come home and change. I put some boundaries in place, No porn, No other women and No drinking, and absolute transparency. So far, he's been doing well, but the No drinking has been a challenge for him. He is NOT in active AA recovery. He has gone to AA but feels he doesn't "fit in"
We've gone to retrouvaille (marriage encounter) which was fabulous at helping us communicate in ways, we never have. We have really made changes in our marriage.
We still have major issues.
Last night, he said he felt he agreed to things too quickly in order to come home. I know that one was the "No drinking" - He CLAIMS he would never hurt me again. Unfortunately the wounds are too deep for me. I explained the drinking is a direct result of trust. I can't trust him when he drinks, therefore, I set it as a boundary. If he drinks, I cannot be here because I've gone through 10 years of shaky boundaries, accepting much less than what I was worth and I'm REALLY trying to value myself. It's not easy.
So, here I am today, shaken by this conversation. I don't want to be here in this marriage if the other shoe drops. I would much rather leave now at 40 years old and have a chance at a healthy life with my 3 small kids even though it would kill all of us. After the conversation last night, I was so shaken, I read my ODAT book for 20 minutes. That book is God sent and it really helped calm me down and not REACT to the conversation. It really gave me peace.
I guess there are two options 1) If I stay, my husband "feels" I'm controlling him. Saying, he can't drink because of me. (this is 1/2 true. He could drink this instant if he wanted, so I really can't control that, but I can let him know I'll be leaving if he does) so I stay and "potentially" wait for a shoe to drop - it may never drop 2) or I leave, and my entire world as I know it is gone. My financial security, (I leave my elderly parents who live next door - and I'm an only child), my life will be forever different.
He's been a dry drunk for 6 months and sees an addiction counselor every so often. He can be a wonderful man, but if he drinks, the trust we are rebuilding will be gone.
Sorry you are having such hard dicissions to make... I can only imagine that pain... All I can offer is this... First up it will not "Kill" you or your kids to make a better life for yourselves that does not resolve around an "A", this I know because my mom did it with three kids, and yes she had to work "VERY" hard, and had to give up ALOT to get us away from my father, but once you see what you line up, and were you are going, things will get easier, after of course you get over the hump.
No one know if your "A" will drink again but him, his choices are just that... He knows that boundry's and what will happen if he breaks them...You will leave... It never hurts to start putting money back, and preparing yourself "Just Incase" the Shoe Drops... At least then you would be more prepared to handle things if you had some what of a nest egg to get you started if need be... And if you never need it, well then next year take a nice vacation and enjoy your children...
No one can tell you what to do, but we are here for your support system... I will keep you and your kids in my prayers...And keep taking it One Day At A Time... Be easy on You, and see what HP lines up for you...
Take what you like and leave the rest Friends in Recovery Jozie
I think I'm in the whole flight or fight dilemna. I'm just tired and want to "flight" I can't do this anymore. I'm TIRED of feeling AXIOUS because of him.
Until we divorce though, and probably after, I will still feel anxious, so I feel I have very few options. I'm trying very hard to focus on me, but his decisions affect me and my children.
We have a marriage counseling appointment tomorrow. I'm looking forward to and dreading it all at once.
He has this amazing way to guilt and shame me. Granted, no one can MAKE me feel guilty, but he's an expert at it.
Oh, I love you so much I would never do anything to hurt you again...blah blah and I get sucked right in, but then he wants to battle about having a drink and really THAT would hurt me. THAT would kill me because every time he drank, the trust slowly was killed. I found him on MORE than one occassion being overly flirtatious with women...that kills trust. It kills intimacy, and the best part is he barely remembered his actions.
LOL...sigh, so "I love you and would never do anything to hurt you" is really wearing on me lately.
Talk about family of origin. I MARRIED my father. A dry resentful drunk. I don't want that life any more. I want healthy and I've only had a small taste of it.
My AH thinks he is better than everyone in AA and that he shouldn't be there. It's so sad he just can't see.
-- Edited by Inpain on Monday 8th of June 2009 09:28:12 AM
i want to reiterate what Jozie said; it will not kill you and your children to leave. right now the thought of leaving is making your anxiety soar through the roof. and that's okay because it's a scary thought! but it's not a reality. IF you leave, you will land on your feet. you will work hard and scrimp and save and be clever with your money (are you reading financial help books too?) and you will have enough to take good care of yourself and your kids.
I agree w/exter....Its not fatal if you leave.......
I would do some serious work on me..whatever it took so I can make healthy decisions for ME.........
not serious working on program cheating "bs" head games and verbal , i call it abuse, what he is doing... ANY form of abuse...adultery.....substance abuse....they are GONE
ALL deal breakers to me.........
I got rid of both of my A's b/c NO program......I wanted recovery...They did not...End of story......yea, it was tough but its toughter living w/someone I cannot trust and cannot relate to b/c he is drinking...........
It may not physically kill me although, that too has taken it's toll, but mentally, I'm spent.
It's bad enough to try to recover from an affair and I will say, he did everything right and made amazing changes, but the drinking is the elephant in the room. We still have issues, but I can't do this any more. I can't be here. I'm exhausted and it's taking it's toll.
I'm tired of all the "I want to do what's right and make things better." Which I actually believe to a point, but making things better means getting active in recovery. Not just blameshifting and facing your issues.
You can't say you don't have a drinking problem on one hand and then say, you need to have a drink to socialize. It's contradictory.
THanks for letting me talk this out.
We have a marriage counseling appointment tomorrow, and I fear things aren't going to go so well. I would like to ask him for a separation tonight. LOL...I'm cracking up though because I don't want to miss my al-anon meeting and I know THIS conversation, will take all night.
I'll be thinking of you :) (also, you may want to talk to a lawyer before you ask for a separation. i know from my own experience and the experience of friends that it is very important to have your legal bases covered before you make a move like that. maybe i'm paranoid, but for what it's worth, you can even get a consult on the phone).
I'll be thinking of you :) (also, you may want to talk to a lawyer before you ask for a separation. i know from my own experience and the experience of friends that it is very important to have your legal bases covered before you make a move like that. maybe i'm paranoid, but for what it's worth, you can even get a consult on the phone).
-xter
DITTO on the lawyer.....this program is about taking care of US
Why do you have to leave if things don't work, would it be possible for you to stay and him to leave, I think you are very courageous and whatever your decision, you are thinking about yourself in a clear coherent way, of course it is painful, you invested a lot in this, and having three smallies, is work in itself. This business of you controlling him is rubbish in my opinion and is probably because he is unable to control himself, thats his call, I wish you well tomorrow and you take care of you.
Just a couple thoughts... 1st, IMO, what he is saying is pretty typical for those who are not willing to give up drinking. True, AA is not for everyone. My A felt the same but there are many types of recovery groups and even different types of AA groups.. There is no such thing as social drinking for an alcoholic...ever I've never heard of an alcoholic that can pull it off for long.
The part about you controlling him..I'd call BS on that one. What do they always do? Turn it back on us to take the focus off of them, hoping you'll take on their guilt (which is what got us all here).. He's trying to control you by making you change your boundaries.
He agreed too quickly to come home? Then he can leave and pay you support and perhaps even alimony to maintain the same lifestyle..
Funny how a choice between a liquid vs. family can even be a question..but that's what it boils down to.
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support. It's hard to "act" caring and loving when you have this resentment. I was able to tell him I loved him tonight. I was able to give him a hug. He knows something is up.
He said "sorry" before bed, but of course when I ask what he's sorry for, he walks away. I just let it go.
I went to al-anon so I didn't have to face him tonight and I'm glad I did. I'll bring up a divorce in marriage counseling tomorrow so there is neutral turf.
I'm not going to leave the house. He will have to. I mean if push comes to shove, I'll leave but I'd have to take the kids, and I'm not sure where to go.
Our appointment is at 4:00 tomorrow, so say a prayer for me. Our MC is a specialist in addiction, so this will be helpful.
I think for me when I made a plan be I felt far less controlled by the ex A's behavior. Simply the act of making the plan be opened the options for me of what was ahead if I left.
