The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm going to make this as short as possible but I'm guessing that's not going to mean much.
I kicked my husband out of the house last week.
He's a black-out drunk and an egomaniac.
I've been so incredibly angry for four years, pretty much since the day our first daughter was born. I've spent those years taking the brunt of parenthood (we've got two kids, aged 2 and 4) and not being able to put my finger on why he inspired such rage.
Well, last week he sexually assaulted a friend while he was in a black out. Now I can put my finger on it.
He's still saying it was consensual. She's having an affair with a married man! She's a whore! Of course she wouldn't turn him down!
I just. The rage is so great. So very, very large and hot and horrible.
I do not blame myself. I've been to a lot of AA meetings in the past -- all my friends in college were in AA. I went to a lot of meetings with them to keep the fun going. I am not an alcoholic. I am not taking any responsibility for him. He is no longer my problem. I am drawing a line in the sand and the folks who agree with him ("She's having an affair with a married man! She's a whore! It takes two to tango!") are dead to me.
He'd be dead to me too, except we have kids.
Yesterday he came into the house while he knew we were gone and he got on my laptop. Went through all my bookmarks. Email, forums, anywhere I post. That's not the first time he's done that.
I can already see I'm going to have a hard time making it to al-anon meetings as the local ones are right in the middle of my kids' bedtime. I know I'm going to need support. Rage and adrenaline is only going to get me so far. The rage might get me pretty far, though, because when it comes to him, I am full up. Overflowing.
So. Putting this out there. Give me what you've got.
I wish I had words of advice. All I can say is you're not alone. My husband had very questionable behavior when he drank, and he slept with someone else.
We're still together, although, some days I wonder why. We do have a 5,5, and 4 year old, although, I don't feel they are the reason I should stay.
If this was about cheating, I'd have understood. We were not happy. I sure as hell wasn't sleeping with him enough. This was not sex. THIS WAS SEXUAL ASSAULT.
Wow, that's a lot First off, anyone needs a sponsor to work this program successfully. But what I'm concerned about here is that, well, rape is rape. It doesn't matter who she is, what she's doing, etc, that it happend says alot. I'm also seeing that you're so angry because this is a new low in hurt. It's ok that you're hurt. But I think the person that needs to be held accountable needs to be your husband (which you're doing).
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, glad you found us.
We have meetings online here twice a day in the chat room, click in the yellow box in the upper left to get into the chat room. There are usually people there most of the day you can visit with outside of meeting times too.
Keep looking, maybe you can find a face to face meeting that will fit into your schedule somehow, some even have baby sitting during the meeting.
WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY.... You have come to the right place
This is a wonderful program, and there are so many dealing with what you are that you will be amazed.. I know I was.. The support here is wonderful, and if you work your program at your own pace you rage will change into something more fullfillling... It did for me anyway..
The thing with this program I have learned, is about the time you think it isn't for you...WELL... You find out it truly is what you need to keep a possitive outlook not only for you but for your kids, they are the ones that NEED you more then anything... Not the angry you but their Mom...
I hope that you take Davids post, and really do try out the On-line meetings, they do help... And maybe once you try a couple of those you will find a way to work on some F2F meetings (Face to face)...They are AWESOME... The support is wonderful... We had a new lady last night at our F2F meeting and she just sat there and cried the hole time but in the end she said, I'll see you next week... So that is always good news...
You keep coming back, posted, venting, and sharing, and sooner or later, you will see good come back in to your life... Just give it time... It truly Works if You work it...
Go Easy on your self, and try to do things that help you relax, he is out of your house now, and things I am sure are alot differant... It may not hurt to change the locks in your house, may help with him just popping in any time he sees fit...
Take what you like and leave the rest.. Love & Prayers to you Jozie
i feel your rage. keep strong, take care of yourself, however you can. rage is incredibly strength-giving at first, but the rage is going to go away and you're going to have to call up inner reserves of strength. i know you have them.
i've felt a lifting of my own rage from my AH's destructive, manipulative and cheating behavior by attending Al-Anon FTF and even being on these boards.
and see a lawyer. know your rights. protect yourself and your kids legally.
Hi atomic and welcome to MIP. I understand your rage so very well. I have an A who binges and blacks out. He has no recollection of what he did or said. What makes me so angry about that is that he sobers himself up, goes on with life as if nothing happened, and because he is so gentle, kind, and loving when sober, he does not believe the things he said and did while he was not. That being so, I am the one who is left with the memories of his behavior..he goes on his merry way.
Who is being damaged here? US!!!
Sexual assault, of course, is another matter altogether..a reason for even more rage. Please do get yourself to AlAnon and come here often too. you will find understanding people here who really, really do care. As David told you, there are online meetings here that you can attend if you wish.
Please take care of yourself. You and your precious children are what's important, and as it falls to you to see to their care, please be up to the task.
I send you all my positive thoughts and energy. With great caring and concern,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One way you might be able to protect yourself is to password protect your laptop. Change the locks on the doors. And look into getting a restraining order. You fear for your safety, and you can say why, right? This is grounds.
I haven't read the other replies so, please forgive me if I am repeating what has already been said. Have you thought about getting a restraining order against him? He has commited a violent crime, he broken into your home and stolen your property. Are you scared of him?
I understand your anger, your rage. My ex was a violent abuser and rapist. Today, I do what I have to to keep myself and my kids safe. He is their father, but the day he commited rape and violently assulted yet another woman was the day I understood he is not the man I believed he was and was not safe for my kids to be around unsupervised (and by a professional third party).
Take your anger and use it to keep yourself safe, your kids safe and your stuff safe. In my opinion, violent crimes such as rape has nothing to do with drinking, drugs or blacking out.
Thanks everyone. I've been reading around in here. Sorry I've been so silent. This month is kind of kicking my butt. The rage is turning into crying, so that's progress.
And now the four-year-old is up, so I'm out. Thanks for the responses, all. Truly.
