The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I'm new to the board and new to this experience. I've been dating my BF for a little over 9 months. At the time that I met him, he was very open and honest about is issues with alcohol, but had been sober for 2 years, and before that 6 years. He is retired military, and his last slip came when he was recalled for active duty to Iraq. He said something in him snapped when he was called.
For the first 7 months, things have been fine. In the past 2 months he has had 2 slips -- one for about 5 days, and the other for 1 day. Lately he has been under a lot of stress with his job -- he doesn't like it, and only took it to get his foot back in the door of his old company. He's been trying to post out, but has not been able to . His job is manual labor and is taking a toll on his body. The longer he stays in that position and gets rejection after rejection when he attempts to post out, the more I see the light and passion leave him. He is a very proud man, who tries to be a positive role model to others. He participates in helping Vets that have lost their way -- sometimes I think he spends so much energy helping others, that he forgets about himself.
I love this man deeply and we have talked about having a future. I'm afraid that every time something bad happens, he is going to turn to the bottle. I don't want to live that sort of life that I need to constantly worry and second guess him. I don't want to judge someone for potential future acts that may never happen, but I also don't want to end up with someone that can't control his drinking issues.
I'm not sure what to do or how to explain to him my concerns. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Many can relate to you. We will not tell you what to do; we will share our experiences and you take what you like and leave the rest.
Most say that you should not make any major decisions for 6 months after attending alanon meetings unless you are in an unsafe place.
I was always told when I don't know what to do then do nothing at all. I am still taking action by this, but I am letting myself THINK and not make rash decisions.
You should find out if there are any face to face meetings in your area. They would be of great help!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
i'm afraid that i don't have any advice (because i've got my own confusion and crazy issues ;) ) but everyone on the boards here is great and can probably give you some. i just started posting and reading here after getting back into meetings and the people here are wonderful and here to support you.
the one thing that i would tell you is that you should focus first and foremost on what makes you happy. TRULY happy. the life you want? be honest with yourself and go for it.
Welcome and the suggestions that worked for me might work for you. When I first got to the rooms of the face to face Al-Anon Family Groups I was told to do as many meetings as I could over the next 90 days which would have been 90 except that the problem of alcoholism was and is so prevalent that I could get to over 100 in that period of time without breaking a sweat. It was suggested that I get as much information as I could about alcoholism at the meetings and to read all of it. It was suggested that I learn the12 steps and 12 traditions and the slogans, get phone numbers of other members, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice what I learned and after 90 days if I decided the program was not for me I could get a refund on my miseries and try something else. (Scary!!)
I did all of that and also the last suggestion was keep coming back!! I did that also.
I didn't have the early smarts you seem to have about discision making. I didn't know my wife was alcoholic or even what alcoholic was. I knew something was very wrong and that I shouldn't marry her but then if I found out what was wrong it would have been everything to do with me and less with her. I was choosing to be with and consider marrying someone who was not living the same values I had and there was alot of personal concern however I thought that she would change if I was involved in her life...Where did that one come from?! It didn't take more than 3 years 8 months and we had gone thru 2 houses (I provided) and 30 thousand dollars (I also provided) and every bit of sanity and serenity that might have existed at the start. We surfed storm waves...periods of no alcohol because of the need for rehabilitation from consequences and then periods of missing in action, police, hospitals, ambulances, infidelity and major certifiable mental chaos. I was too busy to ask myself "what the hell are you doing?" so I compulsively ran around trying to corral her and stop her than hold her while she mended and then try to teach her "how" to drink and then go on a buying spree to find the best marijuana in town and smoke with her and this and that and drink myself. Geeez Louise...by the time I got stopped and found myself in the program for real there wasn't anything left and I was ready to call life quits. All my switches were in the "off" position and I was afraid to turn them on for fear of a major short.
Went I got "into" Al-Anon and got busy with the program I got better and then I got off on my own to decide how I really wanted my life to work. Little did I know that took changing myself from an idea to a career. I was and still am to some degree a "fixer". Alcoholism loves fixers. Fixers allow the disease to grow and get out of control because fixers become the responsible ones necessary to give the alcoholic room and time to run wide open.
I got the gift of program from my Higher Power (God as I understand God) so that I could get out of the way between God and my alcoholic and so that I could find, see and experience the peace of mind and serenity HP wanted for me. I got mine and later on the alcoholic who was my wife found her own sobriety. HP got us both...hows that for a win?!!
You have good awareness. If the past becomes the present the future is guaranteed. The alcoholic also has options other than drinking for any reason. If the alcoholic consistently makes the choice to drink as a solution the drink will than make the decision for him as if no time of sobriety ever existed. Alcoholics don't go back to the first drink...they go back to where they left off and often it is worse. Regarding your decisions in it all; you can see the consequences already. If he continues to drink and you continue to be there align your expectations accordingly and take responsibility for your choices. Roses do have thorns.
What ever you decided try the 90 day journey anyway. It will change your life and maybe even save it.
(((((hugs)))))
PS...scroll down on the shares to Jean4444 last post also. Read that powerful piece of recovery and hang on. she says it better than I think it.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 7th of June 2009 11:14:23 PM
QUOTE_______I love this man deeply and we have talked about having a future. I'm afraid that every time something bad happens, he is going to turn to the bottle. I don't want to live that sort of life that I need to constantly worry and second guess him. I don't want to judge someone for potential future acts that may never happen, but I also don't want to end up with someone that can't control his drinking issues.
I'm not sure what to do or how to explain to him my concerns. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
ROSIE______to me?? love is not enough...There has to be trust, mutual goals, pulling the "same plow, so to speak...and *evenly yoked*.....If 2 oxen are yoked up together and they don't "pull the same way" they will literally tear each other apart....yea, its good to be separate spirits, but evenly yoked is very important....stress will happen, challenges, just LIFE will happen...so each time LIFE happens do I want to worry about my partner getting drunk??? and making life MORE dificult for me??? been there...done that......the answer is NO......I cannot control him....I did not cause him to drink....I cannot cure his drinking.....Only HE can drag himself into a recovery program...meets nearly every nite...strong sponsor work, and the steps...... I say my concerns up front.......The next guy I hook up with is going to be on *probation* for a very long time......I am not goin through the chaos, drama, worrying, stress, crying ANY more.......Life is too short to "purchase" more pain
leave or stay??? Noone can tell you that....I am reading that you already know that this is a "time bomb" situation.....I follow my heart and my HP prompting me...If I don't feel peace about a decision then I BACK off.....If I am peaceful about it after prayer, writing down the pros and cons and I have turned it over to my HP and I feel peaceful??? Then I still make sure it is God and not me talking, LOL...Still not sure of my self so good that I will jump just b/c it feels good...I really surrender it and wait for HP to guide me......Good luck...He sounds like a decent sort, but LOADS of potential pain if he is not in SERIOUS and INTENSE recovery.....
just my take....please use what you can and leave the rest....
There will always be an excuse as to why he had a drink , truth is he has a problem period . It is possible to have a relationship with an alcoholic , Iwould suggest u find an Al-Anon meeting and attend for a few months before making any life altering decissions , learn all u can about this disease and how it affects you if u choose to stay in this relationship . Al-Anon is for you and about you after a few months u can make an informed decission not one based on emotion alone . There are no guarantees in our program it does not promise to save marriages or relationships but it does promise to return some sanity to our lives . Louise
Thanks so much for the encouraging words and suggestions. I truly appreciate them. I do plan on looking for a local meeting, but also plan to join some of the online meetings as well.
"I'm afraid that every time something bad happens, he is going to turn to the bottle. I don't want to live that sort of life..."
The quote above is from your post. If you do not want "that sort of life", and who does really, you would be wise not to make a committed future with this man. He has shown you that he has a tendency to fall, and though you might not realize it now, you WILL begin to fall with him. On the other hand, if you are set upon being with him, remember it will be on his terms. That said, you will be wise to sink yourself into AlAnon where you can learn the principles of living with an alcoholic and keeping yourself above it all...focusing on yourself, and leading a serene life despite his behavior.
I am not passing any advice on to you. I can only say that if I were in your situation - unmarried with no particular commitment for the future, I would weigh all the evidence, for and against, and likely move on.
I wish you all good things,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
