The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Again last night I passed out at 7pm, can not seem to get it together this week. Just sooooooo very tired and beaten down. My mom has been sick, my son was finishing out his last week of school and this is the busiest week of the month for me at work.
I am betting the "trip down memory lane" last night also didn't help me any. Why I do that to myself is beyond me, maybe I need the pain and hurt to keep me going. I know Canadian Guy, you are right, he is an EX and I am hurting me, and I KNOW this, and KNOW that I do great when I stay away, but as you can see I do slip.......The slips though are getting farther apart and I did email my GF this am and told her to please not share with me anything else about EXABF or his new woman as it is just hurting my progress. I know she meant well but I can't keep going there. My sponsor reminds me gently that I am also dating now and moving on, as I am, and he is just doing the same thing. It just hurts is all. I thought it would take him longer, that he would hurt more, that we meant more than that. But again it is none of my business.
All I can control is me, and what I am doing, or not doing. I can't change EXABF and the fact that he is moving on. I can't change how, when, where or why he moves on or with who. I can change my snooper and work more on getting myself back into shape physically_I'm also now gaining weight. I was running 5 miles a week, biking, etc and really taking care of me, but that went out the window with my obsession with EXABF. The saddest part is that I don't really want him back, I don't trust him at all now, and haven't after what he has done. I just miss what I thought we had between us, I miss that friendship and knowing someone that well and being able to confide in and count on someone like I did him. See that was all a HUGE first for me, the first in 11 years. Since my son was born I was a major Love Avoidant, and that was just the way it was, when I met EXABF I let him in, loved and trusted him with all my heart and soul and then all that changed for me, and I am having a hard time finding a happy medium between Love Addict and Love Avoidant.
Trying to feel it, and move through it.......just a bit sad still shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
What a great post! I am certainly one who withdraws a lot after a relationship. I left the ex A 2 years ago and have dated very very briefly since then. I am glad it was brief since I found issues with most of the people I hooked up with. For once I did not overinvest day one or rather should I say minute one. I think for me the aim these days is to have a good enough life with or without a relationship. Even as a "love avoidant" I secretly had huge fantasies of rescue and pretty much overnight romance with any potential mate I encountered. I don't have much against fantasies but mine pretty much took over my life. Now when I meet anyone I am pretty cautious but I don't deny the interest. At the same time I'd have to say I don't actually go out of my way anymore to meet people who I might have a relationship with. One of the reasons why is I am trying to get my life to a better place before I date in order to not be in a place where I want to be rescued.
I know absolutely for me much of my connection particularly with A's is about what I craved in a relationship rather than what I had.
"Since my son was born I was a major Love Avoidant, and that was just the way it was, when I met EXABF I let him in, loved and trusted him with all my heart and soul and then all that changed for me, and I am having a hard time finding a happy medium between Love Addict and Love Avoidant."
I don't like this love addict thing some therapists are dealing out.
I would call it being obsessive about someone but not the love.
Shelly I felt like it was me writing this above.
And I still very much love that man I married. I am so sure he was taken out when they took out the tumor in his bean head.
It is ok to still love him. Very ok. I know for me, I put it in a place in me that is different. I don't want to live with him or want him in my life,but I do love and care about him.
And when I really found out he was with another well he was with another female. I refuse to call her a woman or a lady...
OMG it killed me. Even though I did not want him. I wanted what we used to have.
I let go just allowed myself to feel what I did and not pick it apart. In time my feelings worked into something healthy.
Came her a zillion times being so torn, missing him so much, he died but his body was still walking around. I tried so many times bringing him home, so many times. But as he got worse Shelly, the time he could be here got less and less becuz of the abuse.
Then nothing.
I sure know where you are. And it will get better, it is all temporary. It is part of the journey. You are right,feel it then take breaths and go on.
Him being with another does not negate all that you guys had honey. You know for me too, I let go of what was behind me and though how I can do whatever I want to do, make my life and focus what I need and want it to be.
I think one of the issues for me in love avoidance is that I become pretty numb. Eventually the numbness breaks down into impulsive acts. That is one of my patterns and they all involve either isolating or being impulsive in choosing partners or should I say jailors (;) ). I have little sense of good judgment in picking people. Indeed I often found more wholesome people a little difficult because it was so unfamiliar to be around them. I've found I need to be very creative and goal orientated to move out of old patterns.
I've also needed people to check in with who have some sense of detachment from dysfunctionality. For me checking with those who are equally dysfunctional was just permission to act out in some way.
