The material presented
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So I did the weighted pro and con list which came out a tie, I did the soul searching, talking to him on the phone all day about what he was thinking, reading my horroscope (which said to set boundaries), etc. etc. etc. When I told my coworker that I had a tie on the list she said ok that means you do nothing (she doesn't know the situation just that there's an issue). She said when you don't know what to do, do nothing. And I remembered that worked well for me with my AH in the past. So I made a decision on what I was going to do. I decided to give him one chance, and there are several other things that will be changing.
1 He gets tested at a local health department and gives me the results. 2 We use a condom every time from now on (until further notice) 3 I meet his family and there are no more lies/secrets with anyone. 4 He stands up for me and our relationship if it becomes an issue with his family as he expects it will.
I still don't know if he actually did meet or not and I am still trying to decide if he is being honest with me about this being a one time thing or it being a long held ongoing secret. I'm really not sure if I can let it go or not or if I will always be thinking he's sneaking around behind my back and just covering his tracks better now. For now I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and I made it very clear that if anything even remotely in the ballpark of being unfaithful ever happens again (and I WILL find out) we are through - no discussion.
As for me I got my annual labs done today at work and added the HIV test and I spoke with a coworker to do my pap in a couple weeks to get checked for std's it's been a couple of years but he is the only one that I have had unprotected sex with. The only two I am worried about are HIV and herpes, the rest are treatable so the major concern will be reported back next week and hopefully I'll have some relief and closure on this.
Good for you... For making it with Boundrys... Only thing I didn't see in your boundrys was a time scale of WHEN you meet the parents, WHEN he gets tested...No since dragging it out, when you can take care of those things right away :) I am sure we are all curios to see if his parents are as "Unwilling" as he makes them out to be.. Hopefully you will have a Good Greeting and something that will give you are better feel of how your relationship is or will be going... Cross my fingers for ya :)
Good for you for getting tested right away... I am never a fan of blood work but I also schedule me some this week in my attempt to take care of ME again...
You hang in there, and I will be pray'n for good results on your test... Keep Coming back.. It works if you work it :)
If I had to add an HIV test to my routine annual blood work and ask for specific STD tests during my routine pap smear, well...there wouldn't be any second chances. Period.
If you feel you can trust his word that *nothing happened* since he was only *thinking* about it, then why do the testing on yourself? Because you don't trust him. That's why.
From reading your previous posts about this relationship, I would have the opinion that he's keeping secrets for a reason and there are probably alot more hidden away.
All I know is that I certainly would not want to live that way in any committed relationship. Without trust, there is no serenity or peace of mind. Only wondering and then looking for something that he may be hiding from you. If he's lying and keeping secrets about you to his parents and family and he doesn't seem to be bothered or feel guilty about it, then he certainly won't think twice about keeping secrets and lying to you. If his parents have no idea about YOU, then he's pretty good at the lying game.
You also mentioned that your daughter doesn't like this guy. Perhaps she is better tuned into his character. It sounds like she's got some instinct /gut feeling about him and it isn't good.
I hope for the best for you with whatever you decide to do.
If I had to add an HIV test to my routine annual blood work and ask for specific STD tests during my routine pap smear, well...there wouldn't be any second chances. Period.
If you feel you can trust his word that *nothing happened* since he was only *thinking* about it, then why do the testing on yourself? Because you don't trust him. That's why.
From reading your previous posts about this relationship, I would have the opinion that he's keeping secrets for a reason and there are probably alot more hidden away.
All I know is that I certainly would not want to live that way in any committed relationship. Without trust, there is no serenity or peace of mind. Only wondering and then looking for something that he may be hiding from you. If he's lying and keeping secrets about you to his parents and family and he doesn't seem to be bothered or feel guilty about it, then he certainly won't think twice about keeping secrets and lying to you. If his parents have no idea about YOU, then he's pretty good at the lying game.
You also mentioned that your daughter doesn't like this guy. Perhaps she is better tuned into his character. It sounds like she's got some instinct /gut feeling about him and it isn't good.
I hope for the best for you with whatever you decide to do.
Dee Dee..I wasn't going to say anything, but you are SAYING what I am THINKING.....Great post, Dee Dee..."w/out trust, there is NO peace"......My eldist sister had to learn the hard way w/ my ex bro-in-law..We kept telling her he was unhealthy.. Finally she "got something" from him and that was the end!!!!
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Thursday 4th of June 2009 11:26:03 AM
Personally, I would rather beat my head against the wall than spend one more minute with someone like you are describing. I would get myself to the nearest meeting before I would do anything else involving such a "xxxx".
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 4th of June 2009 01:48:55 PM
FACT - we can not set boundaries for other people only for ourselves.
FACT - we are as sick as they are, otherwise why would we be with them? We need to work on ourselves, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps.
WHO MADE US GOD? that is part of our disease.
Just my Experience, Strength and Hope
Oh and I forgot, we have no control over others, only ourselves.
__________________ robin
WOW!!!! Powerful reminders that I am emotionally sober TODAY b/c I worked my program today!!!!! ALL of it...spoke with one of my co-sponsors (have 2 trusted recovery mates I work program with)....Doing step 4 now....AND went to meet last night........AMEN Robin!!!
11 years ago, I dated a man who would not introduce me to his parents or children, HE WAS MARRIED !!!!
Holy Cow!!! WAY back in my late teens, I met this really "fine" guy....Couldn't understand WHY he wouldn't intro me to his family.....Me and this high school friend I ended up dating and had GREAT times with, followed the scumbag one nite after he got off work.......We saw him pull up to his house and OUT comes a young wife with a BABY...They hugged him, et al...
Next time I saw him was at this local dairy queen we all hung out at and I says in front of EVERYONE...."So hows the wife and that ADORABLE little boy you have???"...he crapped his pants and left....We never saw him again....Found out some other gals there told me he was hittng up on THEM too....Thank God, I "smelled something wrong" with him and followed him.......WOW!!!!! yea, they lie???? they are *GONE*....cheat???? they are *GONE*
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Thursday 4th of June 2009 01:29:58 PM
I absolutely know for me when I was checking the ex A's messages I was in a bad bad way. I would really hope you are not going to do that again. I know I never found out what I wanted to hear when I did that. I also know it was a huge sign of insecurity and fear in me.
I know also that I knew for years and years that the ex A was using drugs. These days if I meet someone who uses in any shape or form I set huge barriers around them. I have no need to go back to the guessing, wondering and obsessing.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I have an idea how much you depend on him. I really do hope you will be able to refrain from obsessing and looking for information, its there when we want to see it.
I know also that I knew for years and years that the ex A was using drugs. These days if I meet someone who uses in any shape or form I set huge barriers around them. I have no need to go back to the guessing, wondering and obsessing.
Hey maresie, My youngest, using, brother had a sweetheart of a gal, and he fooled around on her and got herpes on his genitals and his eye...he went to secret doc. appointment b/c he had a breakout and shared his fears with my grand neice.......We told his g.f. b/c we all loved her and we were scared for her.....she kicked him to the curb.. Thank God, she never had any breakouts, but she went through hell for MONTHS worrying and like you say "wondering and obsessing" whether or not she was gonna have a "break out"...Herpes is deceptive...you can get it and not even know it for MONTHS, I hear.....
I met this guy a couple of weeks ago and we "hit if off".. (friend's oldest brother) and you can bet your buns on it....He is gonna be on *probation* for a LONG time B4 I put my love/trust in him....IF we even date!!!! I am seeing him on Sat. night at my friend's nieces grad. party.....ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!! And I am gonna be watching with PROGRAM eyes....Not my old sicky eyes....And working my program to keep my balance and my eyes OPEN.......
When you say you WILL find out, just remember that all hidden things come to light. You don't have to be investigating and snooping cause that is not healthy. Still, I think it is your decision if you take him back or not, and I think its very wise of you to wear a condom ALWAYS.
Take care.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
maresie wrote:I know also that I knew for years and years that the ex A was using drugs. These days if I meet someone who uses in any shape or form I set huge barriers around them. I have no need to go back to the guessing, wondering and obsessing.
its there when we want to see it.
Maresie.
One of my old sponsors answered another persons post on this other site....she said "when the pain gets bad enough, we wake up and get into recovery and WORK it....meetings....steps...sponsor work.....the WHOLE thing".....
My threshold for pain is WAAAY down, thanks to her esh to this other poster....She was a "tough old gal" and sometimes I would get "pinched" at her esh, but she was RIGHT!!!! ......"its there WHEN we want to see it".....Yep!!! So true!!!
If I had to add an HIV test to my routine annual blood work and ask for specific STD tests during my routine pap smear, well...there wouldn't be any second chances. Period.
Ditto that sentiment for me too. Also, with all the unhealthy 'strings' he has attached to his parents, I hope you're not blindsided when you come out on the losing end of those boundaries involving his family.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
