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I have only posted once before, but have been reading for a while. My boyfriend is a recovering A. He is often kind and loving. However, sometimes it's like dealing with another person. He's sober, but it doesn't feel that way sometimes. When I disagree with him, he often gets furious and says that I'm invalidating him. He twists my words around and accuses me of saying things that I never thought, much less said. Yesterday we were on the phone and I was asking him to look at something from my point of view. He screamed at me in a way that I had not heard before. It seemed to come out of nowhere. And it was not just a raised voice, but screaming.
Later I said to him that I can't accept that kind of treatment. It's a deal-breaker for me. His answer was a full day of hurtful, blaming, dismissing emails. I responded by saying I was sorry for the things I was sorry for and restating my limit. I'm not sure what he wanted from me, but the blaming and accusations continued. Finally he told me never to contact him again. (not the first time he's done that)
I let him know I was surprised he felt that way. I didn't understand the "cut and run" attitude. I also said that I was going to get out of the house and distract myself because it'd been a bad day. I sent him a text letting him know when I was home and didn't really know what to say to him. I didn't hear back from him last night.
However, this morning, he texted me demanding to know where I'd been - followed by more hurtful, angry txts after that. I wrote him back saying that I was working and couldn't deal with the stress of it.
I think I need some perspective. I am at a total loss for how to deal with him. I am at that terrible place where I've set boundaries, he's ignoring them and blaming me for that. It's up to me to enforce them, but it seems my only option is to walk away.
I think I need some perspective. I am at a total loss for how to deal with him. I am at that terrible place where I've set boundaries, he's ignoring them and blaming me for that. It's up to me to enforce them, but it seems my only option is to walk away.
Any other ideas?
LfO
I would "deal with" me and what my needs are...What is best for me and hey, I have been in your shoes....It gets WORSE as relationship progresses b/c I take it he is not in recovery???? I am a 2 time loser....I hope you have a good sponsor, they have meets here ea. night and also books, and work books on the steps..
I would be asking me WHY am I settling for THIS????? WHY do I not love me enough to be living with this drama/chaos??????
I would be working on ME...Let him fend for himself....I would be taking care of and working on ME.....Please keep coming back...This works if you reach for it and work.....good luck, Rosie
You are correct in that you are at a place where it's time to enforce your boundaries AND the consequences. You've made them totally clear and he continues to cross them. The next step is your decision. Not enforcing leaves you vulnerable for more.
The only other option is to mentally detach. Do nothing, say nothing, no responses or reactions. Of course you'll still be hearing it and true detachment isn't easy. It doesn't appear that he is about to take even a tiny bit of responsibility, which is typical alcoholic behavior. Has he ever been in treatment for his alcoholism or behavior?
I guess the big questions are.. would you allow anyone else to verbally abuse you this way? Are you not worthy of respect and love from a mate? What would be your thoughts if you saw this happening to your best friend or sister?
Sober doesn't necessarily mean rational or sane.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I guess the big questions are.. would you allow anyone else to verbally abuse you this way? Are you not worthy of respect and love from a mate? What would be your thoughts if you saw this happening to your best friend or sister?
Sober doesn't necessarily mean rational or sane.
Christy
VERY well said.......I love this program....it has taught me that I AM WORTHY!!!!!!
and YES.......What would you say if your daughter told you this was happening to HER???????
Christy's last sentence is so true.....Sober don't mean anything if they are NOT in ACTIVE...INTENSE recovery......without which the relationship is doomed
When I was with my exAH, I would often feel like, he wanted to see how much abuse I would put up with & still continue to come back for more & love him anyway. The problem with me, was I took things into my soul & allowed them to scar & hurt me. It took me a few years in al-anon to feel & realize I could be "ok" even if other people weren't.
I do know this is a progressive disease & it will continue to get worse. If the behavior is intolerable now, it wont get better.
You set boundaries & I hope you follow through on them. The A will try to manipulate you at every turn, if u dont stand your ground, they will continue to think they can walk all over you. Most of think (prior to al-anon) that their not using is all it will take. They are still the same dry -- maybe even a little worse (for you) b/c dry A's are very angry & it is no idication of recovery in sobriety.
In the last year of my marriage, my exAH was telling me that I was the cuase of things in his life b4 we even met. He also told me that I never achieved the accomplishemnts I had made - like he was trying to re-write history. Everything was my fault & in the end he was telling me how to kill myself.
Well, he didnt get over on me & I didnt die for him -- I began to find a life without him & I worked on discovering self love. That is when everything radically changed in my life. We have an expression here, that we teach people how to treat us by what we're willing to tolerate.
Early on when I was engaged & was sitting w/ my mother & aunt one day, we were at lunch for three hours, just chatting. Well he couldnt believe it & I even showed him the receipt so he could see what time I was there. My mom said it was a red flag & of course I didnt listen to her - I thought he was being protective! ugh what an idiot I was but I learned a lot about what I can tolerate, I learned how to fight & I learned what I absolutely will not tolerate. I think I was very stubborn (I was in denial) and didnt want to believe he was that bad... well, I got my lesson!
Stick to your boundaries. If u feel like u need a few days to yourself & to take time away from him, to clear your head - do that. I wish I had done it in the past. I was a lil scared but it was exciting at the time. It def was not a happy marraige - he bullied me & did so until the day I left. He threatened me when I left (to kill me) so I reported him to the cops.
I wouldnt wish this insanity on anyone. I made so many mistakes & continually allowed myself to be manipulated. He hated me to go anywhere without him & it was pretty fast that I had lost most of my friends b/c he was intimidating & controlling.
Take your time, focus on you. As long as u focus on him, you will feel helpless. Know you can control and change you & you're worth more than this abuse.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Personally I no longer have any use for someone who treats me like that. I spent far too much of my life cowering down and sucking it up for the sake of having a man in my life.
I'm grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I deserve to be treated with respect, and don't settle for less.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Personally I no longer have any use for someone who treats me like that. I spent far too much of my life cowering down and sucking it up for the sake of having a man in my life.
I'm grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I deserve to be treated with respect, and don't settle for less.
Oh "T/heart" me TOO...sucking it up b/c I did not think I could make it alone...ugh!!!!!! I am so grateful for recovery....I CAN make it....I DESERVE to be treated with respect and I will not settle for less......AMEN!!!!
Abuse in any form, be it verbal of physical is unacceptable reguardless of the situation. There is absolutely no reason anyone deserves to be talked down to, cussed, or screamed at for no apparent reason. Life is way to short. Everyone has a right to be treated with respect. You are certainly no different.
My opinion and my opinion only, is it possible you are dealing with someone with more problems than just alocholism? If you think you are, or if the situation worsens it could go from verbal abuse to physical abuse. I am not a professional, but I have a daughter and if she asked, I would tell her the tone and escalation in his messages would give me concern. Again, just my opinion.
I have been where you are. We hope when they are sober,that they are a good person.
An A who treats another like this is not in recovery. A person in recovery would be horrified by how they are treating another and call their sponsor, or get themselves to meetings and more meetings, every day if that is what it takes.
A recovery program is a very personal thing. It is basically a map for our A's to follow to help them to stay sober and learn how to be the person they want to be. The A makes it themselves, and or possibly with their sponsor.
The others are right. We can only take care of us. Myself I feel if I feel bad with someone then I need to work on detaching, ignoring the behaviors of another or not be around them.
I feel if we cannot accept someone as is, and we have no control over them, then what would make us want to be around them?
This decision takes time, and maybe many times of leaving and coming back. I would ask me, what don't I like about me to put up with ANY ill treatment?
I tell ya I don't. The first time my AH said something weird, I said immediately,hey thats abuse, knock it off.
So he did,for awhile. He felt bad as he had had years of recovery. However he was too brain damaged at that point.
Anyway here is a skill, sit down, breath three deep breaths, drop your elbows. Then pretend your life is a sitcom. and make a tape in your head.
What do you believe that lady needs to do?
Hugs and you keep coming back!! NO matter what! love,debilyn
I've learned in this program you can take away the alcohol from an alcoholic, but it won't change their behavior. Another term I've heard many times is "the drinking is just a symptom of the disease". In a nutshell, A's will still act like A's even if they're not drinking... AND even if they ARE in recovery there is no guarantee they're going to behave in the way "we" would expect them to.
I can recall having a similar explosion from my AH (who is not in recovery) when I, too, tried to force my point of view on him. I learned a big lesson there... which is DON'T try to force my point of view. I can respectfully agree to disagree with him. I can state my truth once, and if it's not accepted, then that's fine. He has his own truth, too, and it's not always in harmony with mine. He is a different human being, after all.
I'm not here to tell you "hey, what he did is unacceptable! don't put up with that!" Nor am I here to suggest you just sit there "take it".
What is your truth in this? What part did you play in the "dance" that occurred? What could you have done differently? Where boundaries are concerned, are you okay with having others upset because you stuck to your guns? Can you practice detachment?
I find when I have a lot of confusing questions going on in my mind, I like to take out one (or all!) of my daily readers and sit and think about what I'm feeling at the time. When I can identify the feeling or emotion, I'll go to the back index page, look it up, and read some of the literature on it. It can help put things into perspective for me.
Looking for oz made me smile - it's a fantacy ! trust me . hehe I had to get rid of the fantacy in my head of what my life should be and start accepting things exactly the way they were. or NOT. You speak of his program , do u have one of your own ? are u attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , in my opinion if u want a relationship with this guy your gonna need one . Sobreity does not solve all of lifes problems as your finding out . His behaivor is unexceptable , but I have learned going to a alcoholic * drinking or not * looking for emotional support is like going to a hard ware store for aloaf of bread . it ain't happnin . If I want to be heard and validated i go to a meeting and my sponsor they *get* me and understand how i am feeling . As long as he is blamming you he is not accepting responsibility for his behavior , but again his problem nothing u can do about him . I heard somewhere if u take the me out of BLAME your left with bla bla bla !! works for me .
