The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been here much lately but my MIP family is never far from my thoughts:) I realized something the other day, it seems like when things are going well and calm-there's not really as much to write about-lol, and I am trying my best to keep my life drama free these days. I've been struggling the past few days with motivation, just tired all the time but have also been feeling physically ill, and figure part of that is just being emotionally beat down, and forever tired. The past six months were quite the roller coaster ride before I returned back to Step one all over again. I also realized this week that my biggest struggle is trusting my HP and letting go of the need to control. I struggle so hard when it comes to His will for me-always thinking someone that I know better. I got to thinking about things and realized that my constant What If's and Whys are proof that I am not trusting HP to know what is best for me, and am still struggling to control, thinking that I know better than Him.......sad but oh so true.... I've always believed in "signs" and yesterday when I was coming to terms with the above, and really letting it sink in that my not trusting my HP was a BIG issue for me, and by not trusting Him I was fighting tooth and nail still for some form of control, I started opening up the rent payments where I work. Now at the beginning of the month close to 400 payments come in the mail and I go through and issue receipts for each. While I was doing this, and trying to figure out how to quit stepping on my own toes in my recovery, I looked down and on back of one of the envelopes, in someone's handwriting were the words "In God we trust". What an eye opener-like He was sending a sign to let me know He sees my struggle and it is ok. It's those moments that I know things will be as they are meant to be and I will be fine. It's hard to trust when we are hurting that we are right where we are supposed to be, but trying to force my will had been even more heartbreaking in the long run. It's a journey, and when I focus solely on the destination, and try to force my recovery to happen faster, then I loose site of the journey and fail to enjoy right where I am today. Today physically I feel like crap:), but mentally I feel better daily, thanks to this program and the love and support of my MIP family and my F2F family, and sponsor. So many good things to be grateful for......every step that got me here. Thanks for letting me share. shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I'm sorry you're not feeling great today. Still, that is a wonderful share!
When I struggle with trusting HP's will, and when I resist what is happening, I suffer. It's as simple as that. I find that when I believe, "this should not have happened," I am discounting God's control of all things. Indeed, it SHOULD have happened, for divine reasons which I may not understand yet. It certainly did have to happen exactly this way and I know this is true, because it did! Great thing is, I have a program today!!! The steps teach me to see my part in my suffering, so that I can be free.
Shelly, I hope you continue to take the time to rest. Accept what your body is telling you. Be where you are, and flow with it. Some days, rest is exactly we need, nothing else.
It makes me happy that you got a sign. I asked for signs too, like, " I could really use a burning bush please!!!!"
I am told, as faith continues to grow, signs no longer become necessary. With simple and firm trust, we accept HP's presence in every moment. Life becomes a miracle, with things happening just as they are.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 3rd of June 2009 11:06:00 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sorry you aren't feeling so good today....I have been kinda down these past few days too...I appreciate the love and support I get from those who can relate to me...The support helps me know that I am not alone
Hi, glad to hear that your improving daily. I thought I would just say that I think the tiredness is just a result of all the emotion..i went from not sleeping to feeling tired and wanting to sleep all the time..its part of the healing I think so if you can, just go with it. Its good to be drama free isnt it, things are much calmer here and apart from a further attempt by AH to get in touch via my sister, which as always, upset me, Im generally feeling better myself. Your body will probably start to adjust and you will feel like you are living again...its not all the time, but it gradually starts to feel as if you have a life again. Ive been to my friends tonight and walked in the fields with my dog, it was just a lovely pleasurable evening and felt right..things do begin to feel right, like you fit the life your in rather than just going along in a bubble outside of everything else. Im not one for HP in a religious sense, but I do feel as if there have been some good things happening for me, even though they are insignificant. Someone did say that I was just being tested, well if that is true, dare I say, that I think although I know its not plain sailing yet, I might have passed!! Best wishes and take it slow - hugs from Lilly
