The material presented
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What makes ME sad is this drinking and drugging is a CHOICE...They can drag themselves into recovery like the rest of us are and HELP themselves...
My eldist sister has cancer, over and over and she TRIES....Now I am not crazy about her, but My heart goes out to her...She does EVERYTHING to keep this disease from killing her...reg. doc. visits, eats right, takes her meds..does EVERYthing to help herself and it has hit her quite a few times...
To me?? she has no choice...alkies and narkies DO...
My narkie daughter is a prime example....just GET INTO RECOVERY!!! No its NOT easy...Its HARD to get under the issues that are causing these folks to escape in alcohol and drugs, but they CAN get help....What about my sister who most likely will die from her cancer....WHAT meeting and step work can SHE do to give herself a chance at life...She is sick more than she is not.....What program can she get into to save her life?????
yea, its sad for a human being to drink/drug themselves into the grave
My daughter will predecease me...She was sooo cute b4 the drugs began to eat away at her beauty...she is more white than me...1/4 indian rather than my 1/2...her eyes are a gorgeous blue with fluffy tow head blonde hair in contrast to my brown/green eyes and deep strawberry blonde hair...She has my face and body.....she was a total cutie...and would light up your heart when she grinned and laughed....
I had to give her over to God and let go...She kept hurting my heart over and over...stealing, lying, swearing at me when *high*...going for months w/o calling me...and LIES...Nasty remarks...disrespect to the max....brilliant but doing nothing about it...gifted in school adn what is she doing now??? drugging with her friends...Just one thing after another...I even let her sit in jail, hoping that would force her into recovery...Nope she got mad at me for not bailing her out AGAIN and she told me to @#$% off, out of her life.....Lost her phone and changed her cell w/o letting me have it....
I had to cut her off to take care of me...At one point I thought I "had her" for a brief time...She asked me for literature and said "mom will YOU sponsor me???"
I said I would do anything to help her help herself....then "poof" No interest in meets and steps.....
So, sadly I had to detach....She is out of my will...I provided that my executor and benificiary, niece that IF she gets into recovery and stays clean for FIVE YEARS that she share with my beloved and CLEAN niece....Otherwise??? my niece gets it all....
yea, she has a CHOICE....she chooses this over LIFE.....NOTHING is easy re: recovery....
Look at me...5 YEARS working through the most horrific of pain (wots worse than incest AND verbal/physical abuse from my own bio father).....But I wanted LIFE...I wanted to NOT let the evil win....So I drug me here and I worked through the worst pain one could feel and yea, it was gawd awful....But I felt I was worth it....
so I stuck it out...kept the course...was it easy??? Lord no!!! Did it hurt??? Heavens yes!!!! I would cry sometimes until I was literally dehydrated, the pain was sooo bad... But I did it...For me...For my maker and to a lesser albeit important degree, for my loved ones....
Sorry, it just makes me mad when we have CHOICES and what we do??? OK!! If they dont' give a s**t about themselves, WHAT about the ones who suffer the *fall out* over their actions???? WHAT ABOUT US???? That is how much we matter to them......
For all intents and purposes I am childless....I have to go on with my life....I have to take care of me....I have to trust in my God to care for her....I am powerless!!!! God is waiting for her to reach out!!! I pray that she can/will!!!!!
For years I wondered "wot did I do to maybe cause this????" I was good to her...Maybe the one thing I did right was caring for her....She got in w/this guy and that was the beginning of her end....She was over 18 and I was totally powerless to stop it...She was 20 years old when she moved out and hooked up with him, then her druggie husband who ended up leaving her b/c he was only on pot...crystal meth was too much for him....WHAT a mess!!!!!
I don't call what she is doing a disease....I call it willful suicide.....a CHOICE
Thanks for letting me vent some stuff......
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Tuesday 2nd of June 2009 01:46:58 PM
When I look at the life an active addict has, I know it is a disease. NO one in their right mind would choose to live like that. Not when there is a real, true life available to them. They do not choose to be addicted, it is a disease.
Took me a very long time to understand that. And I still work on the compassion for the still suffering....
I understand the anger. For me, it is with my mother. And she isn't an A. She has been greatly effected by this disease, just as I have yet she refuses to see what this disease and her denile have done to her life (and in turn mine and my kids) She just outright refuses. And that causes me MUCH resentment. I mean, I got into this program, I use these tools, I am changing....she has NO excuse!!!! But, she is sick and I can't control anyone including those who I love and simply want the best for.
I hate this disease. I really do. It rips more families apart than any natural disaster or man made war. It is hell. But this program taught me 3 C's: I can Cope, I can Contribute and I can Care.....Glad you're here Rosie.
Rosie, I can totally relate to your post. I too wonder where I went wrong with my daughter. I have 2 daughters; they are as different as night and day.
My daughter in Houston(not the alcholic) has her life together. She has a masters degree in physocology(wonder why??), is the mother of my 2 precious twin granddaughters, has a wonderful husband and a great career. They have a beautiful house, their daughters are a joy to be around. But none of this came easy. They both went to college, then married and before they decided to have children, they had a house and their wonderful jobs. The daughter in Houston does not speak to my adaughter. This breaks my heart, but the Houston daughter is "schooled" in her sister's life choices.
My adaughter is so jealous of her sister. What she does not realize is that Houston daughter planned out her life and made the right choices. I talk on the phone to my daughter in Houston every Friday night. We sometimes talk for 2 hours. We discuss everything from books we are reading, politics, what happened at her job, and of course my wonderful granddaughters. I do not bring up Jenn's problems unless Houston daughter brings it up. I do not want her to think that is all I can talk about(which sometimes it is)
I am learning how to put distance between Jenn's problems. I realize she is grown(37 years old), with a degree and yet she keeps making bad life choices. I keep coming back here to this site and you and the others here make me strong in my will. Sometimes, I stumble, like I did the other day in paying her rent.
It breaks my heart to read about you not seeing your daughter; and I am a fine one to say, you had no choice. They will drag you down both emotionally and financially. I will add your daughter to my prayer list along with my daughter.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
It breaks my heart to read about you not seeing your daughter; and I am a fine one to say, you had no choice. They will drag you down both emotionally and financially. I will add your daughter to my prayer list along with my daughter.
Hey all, thanks for the ESH....Clara, yea, she just blew me off...Like to heck with me and she "dogged me out"...I don't even know where she is or her cell #...NOTHING
When I got into recovery, I think it was a threat to her..Like I am getting healthy and she felt threatened or something b/c we got along as good as we could, considering, and then mom gets into recovery to get healthy and I wasn't buying her "BS" anymore.....So yea I appreciate your prayers.....I had to just LET GO.....I felt myself circling the drain being around her and her crazy stuff......Thanks,
Hey how is Bonnie Lou???? I feel like I am a "part" of her...I felt so bad about that sweet little doggie...My big labs are doin fine as far as I know (I am at work now)....They are my kids now.........
I hate this disease. I really do. It rips more families apart than any natural disaster or man made war. It is hell. But this program taught me 3 C's: I can Cope, I can Contribute and I can Care.....Glad you're here Rosie.
Isn't THAT the truth...It does wreck more lives than anything I know.....I don't want it with miles of me with my experiences??? husbands, kid, mother, I have had a belly full...I can pray for them, but NO WAY do I want to be around it anymore....I am just "up to here" with it.....I can care about them, but I gotta keep my distance....With ptsd, I cannot afford stress!!!!! thanks , I am glad I am here too
Rosie, Bonnie Lou is doing some better. Every now and then she gets one of her coughing spells, but on the whole I think she is better.
I appreciate you asking. Everyone here was so concerned and worried about my little doggie when she was so sick. But thanks for asking; she is doing good.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I am so sorry for your pain, and I know you handed it to HP, but it still weighs on your mind... I too only have one child, and I think I focus sometimes to much on trying to make him understand that I overwhelm him with Info, about the disease... I just fear that if in his blood... Which I am sure it is, I hope that his brain over rides his Curiosity...
I beleive that everything happens for a reason, and if/when your daughter is ready, she will know were to come. I know I have been beating my head on a brick wall for YEARS trying to make my Abrother see that he is screwing up his life, he will loose his children in about 2 weeks, half way across the US. And he has only seen them 2 times, since they have been home 7 weeks, and he lives 2 miles from were they are staying... Makes me Sick, but none of my business... Thats the part that sucks for me... None Of My Business...
Hard to Eat, but so grateful I have all of you and AL-Anon to see me thru... You are a blessing to this board and many people here, You keep coming back and Veny anytime you want...
Love & Prayers to you and your Sister, and Daughter... For this too will pass... One Day At A Time :) Jozie
"If I can choose life WHY can't she??" Dangerous question for me at first because I knew so little. After I sat down for a while and listened and read and went to college I came to understand that in true addiction the alcoholic and addict loose the ability to choose. The chemical does it for them and what about us? What road do we take in regard to these who do not meet our expectations and our false value system (false because naturally we also violate it). I use to take the high road...better than road until I started working the steps and the program.
I came to understand that the HP I wanted to accept, forgive and shelter me unconditionally is doing that for all the others I am detaching my self from...hey maybe that is why my HP is doing it...because I no longer will!! Gotta meditate on that.
I learned unconditional love and acceptance in Al-Anon. I learned compassion period. I learned to allow my alcoholic and addicts the responsibility to work for what was best for them without trying to judge what was best or what was right for anyone but myself. I rarely followed the norm regarding my life and did one thing best for myself. I got into Al-Anon and then AA and now for all the attendance and following suggestions and practicing and serving I have a life that a person of material things cannot measure but a person of spiritual things can nod their head to. I have not "arrived" only gotten closer to a life as I believe is lived as it should. Al-Anon I believe gave my mom the son she tried to invent herself and never could and I became a person who could understand that my mothers was a person just like me...a little bet older and different gender...two small differences from where HP sees it.
I can't begin to list all the things the disease takes away from us. I also can not imagine the pain the alocholic must deal with every day. I am on one side of the fence and the A in my life is on the other side of the fence. Sometimes it is hard not to have resentments and feel like it is me against the disease. It is also hard not to feel empathy for the alcholics who have had their mind, body, and spirit torn apart by the disease. I agree everyone has choices, life is full of choices. But, it is my opinion that at some point the alocholic does not have a choice after the disease has taken a strong hold. The disease will continue to progress and the alocholic will hit bottom and seek help, or the disease gets a stronger and stronger hold and they die from its affects.
Rosie, your life has been affected by this disease more than most. I know there has to be times when you get mad as hell at the disease. If you don't you are a better person than me. I can't begin to walk in your shoes, but I am walking in the same direction as you, with my HP and this program leading the way. Sometimes it is so hard to separate the person from the disease. Sometime for short periods of time I may feel sorry for myself, and have a 5 or 10 minute pity party with only me in attendance. All that is O.K., because I have the program to fall back on and get my mind right again. Practice, practice, practice. The program will always kick in.
I still have to look back in my rear view mirror every now and then, not to harbor resentments, or dwell on the past, but to see how far this program has brought me. Jerry F had a quote recently in a post. "It is O.K. to turn around and look back, as long as you don't stare" There is a lot of truth to that.
For SURE, I am lookin back at the *moment* but I am NOT going to stare!!!
I cannot...I have worked too danged hard on MY recovery to let anyone take me down.....
yea, I get mad as hell at times, then I give it over!!! Just give it over!!!! Which is what I am doing right now...Vent...Feel....then give it over....I am going to a graduation party on Sat. night and I think of how MY kid graduated and was clean...full of hope and potential and I guess I am feeling sorry for me....I pray these kids I'll be seeing Sat. night will not do what my girl did...
thanks, you guys....I am OK...I will be OK....Today is just a SUCKY day!!! Thinking of my DD and also the glass co. gave me a VERY steep quote on doing my windows....It SUCKS being poor, so TODAY has not been a good day...Fax machine is not working good....Day started OK...Ending Crappy.....I'll get out my steps book and work the first 3 big ones tonight with God and just GIVE THIS ALL over and I mean ALL of it....
thanks..this board is great....I come here all the time to be fortified and to give what esh I am capable of, LOL......
Thanks for such an inspiring post Rosie, yes I can relate, and I know what you mean, I think any aspects with a's create challenge and its how we deal with this that allows us to vent and move on, or stay with or just plain survive intact, this is why this board is so great, thinking of you, and thanks for all,
I'm glad you have been able to work through those issues. I think that is really admirable. I have had a lot of anger towards my two sisters who choose not to. Not everyone is able to. Some people do indeed die of the disease. I know I almost did.
I can't really imagine anymore what it is to live as someone else. I can try to but sometimes people's behavior is all too baffling for me.
This is my first day on this forum -- and yours was the first post that caught my attention. Because I want to know also... why, why can't my mother choose life.
I'm not new to alcoholism. I'm not mis-informed. I'm not lacking in sympathy... and I don't believe for one moment that my mother has no choices. While I do fully accept alcoholism as a disease -- like any other disease -- it is treatable. Unlike some other diseases, with treatment it does not have to be a death sentence.
No, she didn't choose to be an alcoholic. She does, however, choose to drink.
And now... more than 20 years into her alcoholism, I can say with certainty that I have accepted that she is chained to this disease. She will not be taking steps to help herself. I stopped long, long ago trying to save her. I long ago forgave the "things" she did and forgave her as a person FOR those things.
However, I have yet to learn how to "decide" not to feel anger, fear, and resentment... I know those things are mine to own and my responsibility. My feelings are not her fault any moreso than her drinking/alcoholism is my fault.
At this point... the only thing I've got any control whatsoever over -- are my own choices. And since I have yet to master being able to just "let go" of all the emotions I have -- which I feel are validated -- I have to instead focus on my actions and reactions. And its sad -- because there is an ever growing portion of me that believes the only way for me to truly be healthy emotionally -- is to remove that which is unhealthy from my life. And that is her.
That was a GREAT post...and yea, I 100% agree... you said " because there is an ever growing portion of me that believes the only way for me to truly be healthy emotionally -- is to remove that which is unhealthy from my life. And that is her."
that is exactly what I did...Removed all the folks who are unhealthy forme...Its hard, but I had to do it....I can only save me and even THEN I need my HP to help me......Thanks for your story....I hope you stick around here..Its a pretty nice place to be if you want to know you are NOT alone...
